Is it normal for a 14-year-old to sit in the park for hours?

[James76]

Hello,

I'm actually a dad, hope that's OK.

My daughter, almost 14, is finishing school and then going and sitting in the park when her friend for hours upon hours. Well, until it gets dark.

I know she is vaping which annoys me but I'm more bothered about her safety.

Is it normal to just sit on a swing for 4+ hours per day.

I can see her on the tracker, and it's a very very tiny open park. Little more than a swing in the middle of some houses.

But... Still, it feels odd and I don't know if I should be stopping her.
I don't know the other kids parents either (although I know she is living in a children's home).

We've had a ton of issues with her over the past few years and she has a horrible attitude problem and so I'll have the battle if I have to but in theory there's nothing wrong with sitting in a park - except that it doesn't feel right.

Thanks in advance

Gosh I was a horror at 14. Luckily as I reached adulthood I grew out of it and realised what a nightmare I was for my parents and it’s likely she will too in time.
Sitting in the park- completely normal. The kids all knew eachother where I lived, we used to trek around park to park, or the local football field, even commandeered under a bridge for a while. We used to have a naughty smoke and now I’m older I think what a stupid idea but we were never up to any harm. Just gossiping and hanging out.
Then 17 comes along and we sat in cars in car parks instead. Doing nothing just sitting in cars chatting through the windows. Laughable really!

Yes, normal. I'd go as far as to say formative.

Err…realistic because it was our experience, and that of many other families we know! Conciously giving kids a routine of opportunities to do fun, constructive stuff they chose and really enjoyed - places to go, challenges, responsibilities, purpose, volunteering alongside school, down time and regular family stuff was a big part of parenting our teens. They tell us now they appreciate it all. Actually hasn’t done their careers any harm either.

How many hours a day? If it’s until dark it must be at least 3 hours, that’s a lot every day. Does she not have homework to do? As for the vaping well it’s highly addictive and not at all good for her health, where’s she getting the vapes from?
I would put a curfew in, if she goes straight from school then two hours max and then home for dinner and homework. I would also be encouraging a hobby or sport.

My DC had after school activities, and a home where they were welcome to bring friends, but hanging out in the park with mates was a rite of passage.

I would be very disappointed in the vaping though. Is there a part of your house or garden which could be a private space to see friends?

Realistic for a very small minority.

I would definitely approach the vaping, maybe reduce her curfew until it stops. It's hard to balance though, because you would like her (and her friend) to feel welcome at your house.

It's normal to hang about with friends, but her life does sound kind of dull, is there nothing she's interested in that you can encourage, rather than saying no to the one thing she does do. I have a 14yo and they tend to go out to the gym, or for hot chocolate/bubble tea/ice cream, then back to one of the houses rather than the park. I think they like the access to snacks, taking over the lounge pretending to do homework and watching tv. TBH until recently it was getting dark here really early, so that might be why.

So I would tackle how empty and boring her life sounds rather than taking anything else away from her. As her friend lives in a children's home, I would suggest things as a pair - paying for both to do anything they are interested in (any club, gym membership, art supplies etc) rather than just DD, try to make your home feel like a second home to the friend - enrich rather than punish.

Mine sits on a bench outside Tesco with her friends for hours, chatting and eating crisps…. There’s no youth club….. she’s socialising. I wouldn’t worry too much but have words about the vaping….

Do people become parents and then suddenly forget what it was like to be a teenager and what they used to do??

Yes. The location just happens to be where they can talk (and vape) out of their parents eye. My son used to go hang out on the beach wall with his mates. My DD not so much but now (at uni) will spend hours on a bench outside the student union chatting to her friend.

Sort the vaping out!

Yes it’s normal and I did it at that age. My own dd14 doesn’t but meeting her friends tends to be more doing things- shopping, going for food, cinema or going to someone’s house.

Thanks for everyone's replies.

Perhaps I'm being too sensative. Yes I used to sit in the park but I also got upto no good.

We have restricted her mobile phone use in the house but have to turn it on outside of the house so we can track her. I think she might be going out so she can use her phone.

Kids clubs for that age are just non existent any more. There used to be youth clubs when I was younger (I'm 50).

We've tried everything to monitor her phone use but ultimately she is a clever kid and has managed to disable parts of the apps and so have taken to turning off her data and WiFi to manage it.

The vaping - myself and my wife have repeatedly tried to address this with little success.
When I was young I would promise my parents I would stop smoking but in reality I was never going to stop whilst my friends and I thought it cool.

If we find vapes or oil then we are confiscating them. She is often grounded but as soon as she is out, I know she is vaping.

I could perminantly ground her but I'm actually thinking that if I keep taking and binning them and say nothing she won't get the negative dopamine and she will stop of her own accord.

Sometimes the best action is inaction.

Thanks for everyone's advice.

Completely normal, I used to do that minus the vape. 🤭

I honestly think as you age, kids seem younger and younger, and you forget how it feels at that age.

Sometimes when something is forbidden it seems more attractive!

I do hate these kids vaping. Id like to see them chuff on cigarettes the way they do with their vapes. They'd cough their lungs up and throw up.

Yes. We used to do this when I was a teenager and it also involved smoking, drinking cider and snogging boys.