Backstory before I explain the situation.
I grew up in a really abusive household - I was beaten pretty much every day until I was 22 years old and cut off contact with my family. I was locked outside the house at night and told to sleep in the garden. I had 3 thousand pounds stolen from me. I also ran away from home to escape an arranged marriage.
I think I’ve turned out okay all things considering. I finished university and I have a stable job now and two children. I had pretty bad post natal depression after my first and it was Covid and I had no help so I spent a lot of time crying and shouting. Post partum rage was unreal. I was also really snappy at my daughter and told her off a lot. Never hit her, threatened her. Just shouted
I had therapy and gotten better. We since found out my first is neurodivergent and has a lot of sensory needs and really struggles to emotionally regulate but we were managing. I was still snappy but improved a lot.
We now have a 6 month old and I am exclusively breastfeeding. She wakes up hourly to two hourly overnight and only breast feeds to sleep. I sometimes run on two or three hours sleep. My husband is working so away 9-5. The shouting has started up again and I’m finding everything makes me angry and I don’t know how to help myself. I can’t really go to therapy in the day because I have the 6 month with me all the time. She only contact naps during the day. She is a super sensitive sleeper - only sleeps in a pitch black room with white noise or if I’m going for a long walk with her in a carrier. Her sleep pattern is still completely unpredictable. Even me coughing can wake her up and if she doesn’t get proper sleep, she has crying episodes which can last up to 45 minutes.
By the time my husband is back, my other daughter is home and I don’t want her hearing the stuff I discuss in therapy ( our apartment is very small) because the first time I went to therapy, a lot of heavy stuff came out. I don’t have anyone I can ask for help. I don’t have friends who are off during the week so I can rest. My husband is dealing with our oldest in the evenings. In just so tired all the time.
Today my husband said my oldest daughter was scared of me because of how angry I am all the time. I don’t want to become my parents and have my daughter think I’m an abusive parent. I don’t want to fail them - I feel awful because she’s just a child. It’s not her fault I’m so exhausted and burnt out.
im also really scared I’m like my parents.
Any advice would be helpful please