Partner says our sons a nightmare

[Suttonsas]

my 4 nearly 5 year old is a lovely little boy and I find him to be so good especially compared to my eldest son who was so full on at that age. When he started school in September they put him on the sen register because he was behind other peers and he did meltdown on occasions however a recent parents evening says how this has stopped and he’s really come on and is so lovely. He did like a routine but not so much now if things change he’s ok with it. The thing is my partner, his dad constantly compares him to other kids. We’ve just come back of holiday where he says it wasn’t enjoyable and that our son goes mental out of a routine. On holiday our son was so good, ok he was poorly when we first got there and didn’t want to eat much but his dad gets so worked up over it, he thinks he should be eating different things and cos my son laid on the sun bed with his iPad for a bit he says that’s not normal as other kids are in the pool constantly. He was constantly on at him about going down water slides which he didn’t want to do, he says shall I just chuck him down them. He moaned about him being in a buggy and not walking which I know is frustrating but our hotel was a 30 min walk from town so it’s either that or he wants picking up. He says that he isn’t normal and school will be ringing me up about his behaviour! He says I don’t see it cos I’m comparing him to my older son who was a nightmare and he says you only have to look at how my kids have turned out.
its really upsetting cos I honestly think he’s so good and he says I’m not backing him up but how do you back something up that you aren’t seeing?

I agree that a nearly five year old shouldn't be in a pushchair for a thirty min walk. And I wouldn't want them on an iPad indefinitely (but a bit of lounging is fine). But crucially, he sounds like he just doesn't really like his son very much. And your son will know this, and know that he can't make him proud and that his dad is ashamed of him, and that's horrendous for him. You need to make sure your DH understands the damage he is causing, and if he doesn't I would walk away from this relationship to protect my son.

Does your DP think that all boys should be sporty and athletic? What does he think about the quiet bookish types?

I think you have a DP problem but I’d also expect a 4yr old to be able to walk for 30mins without needing a buggy so I’d definitely investigate that a bit further.

My DS has severe dyspraxia so balance and co-ordination are rubbish and therefore, he’s not remotely sporty, but he wasn’t interested in staying in a buggy much beyond 18months. He’ll happily walk for miles.

Is your DS just a bit lazy and prefers riding in the buggy or is he genuinely struggling to walk very far? Have you tried not taking the buggy and seeing how he copes?

If you think he really can’t manage a 30 min walk, then I think he needs to see the GP.

Struggling being out of routine is normal for young kids. Not wanting to try new foods when you are unwell is normal for everyone as is it wanting to go on slides. He shouldn’t be on his iPad the whole time but a bit of time is ok particularly if he is under the weather. The walking he definitely shouldn’t be in a buggy at five unless there’s additional health issues.
your dp sounds like he’s not a nice person why does he think it’s ok to speak that way to his son and to you?

I can't understand why you even have a pushchair at 5 but it's reminded me of the time I was accused of having a child in a pushchair at 5. IT was my oldest son's social worker (disability) and she said she'd been told 'I was seen' with my youngest in a pushchair. He was 5 at the time and I was like..'I don't even have a pushchair.. you'r'e in my house, can you see one?' . lol.

But it must be some kind of flag for her to even bring it up to me, so be careful.

Does he normally spend much time with your ds? You say you compare with eldest, how is he now, do they interact well. Comparison may not be that helpful. Is p father of both?