DS (11) not finding his niche in secondary school: how to help

[ThatEdgyRobin]

Hello

DS started secondary school in September. He came from a small primary school where he was top of everything - academic, sports, music etc. Big fish in a small pond. I sort of knew secondary would be different for him (he has older siblings) but in hindsight didn’t really prep him for the leap to secondary.

He’s not feeling a bit down and out of sorts as he hasn’t really found anything to be good at. He’s in the top group for maths but consistently getting 60/70% in topic tests - lots of kids get it all correct. He wasn’t chosen for the rugby team, but still trains with them (few others in this position) - and hasn’t even been a sub yet. He joined chess club but gets thrashed most of the time.

He’s a fairly relaxed child but this realisation that he’s actually fairly average hits him hard (does that sound awful?).

Would you just let it play out? Part of growing up?
Or should I be actively helping him in some way?

Older siblings were different - middle of the pack at primary then found their thing early in secondary and ran with it.

Find him something outside of school. If he likes rugby look for a club especially one with multiple teams per age group as there will be one to fit his ability and he can enjoy playing regularly.

Also let him know you don't have to be excellent at something to enjoy it. The enjoyment should come from the activity not from being better at it than other people.

It is very early days for him and it is a huge transition.

Does he seem particularly unhappy at all these things or is he taking some of this in his stride? Does he have friends? - this is probably more important.

With mine I used to point out that everyone has areas of life where they are very skilled and others where they are not - I used to point out how hopeless I am at maths! - and how their dad could not cook for toffees!

I bigged them up on the things they were good at and emphasised that being a kind person is more important that collecting a string of exams.

You could encourage him to keep trying different things, and keep practising e.g. Chess to try to improve.

In some ways it's a good thing he's learning at this stage that he's not best at everything and sometimes you have to work hard at something to succeed. Some young people coast through until Sixth Form or even university finding everything comes easily and it's a nasty shock when they finally hit something that's hard and they haven't got the tools to cope because they've never needed to learn.

I could have written this. Same situation used to get picked for most sports in primary as a little school but getting passed over for everything in secondary. He is in sports clubs out of school so we try and big up his enjoyment and successes in those when they come about.

It is hard to know what to do in secondary. My experience is they seem to pick the same top 15 kids for everything and despite being told how he was good at every sport at parents evening, he is clearly not in that top 15. I actually think it’s pretty unfair they can’t give a bit more opportunity whilst balancing that with wanting to pick the top kids. Hopefully your kid will get his chance on the rugby team soon.

In answer to your question I don’t think there’s much we can do.

It's a good lesson to learn that no matter how good you are at something, there will always be somebody better.

Not saying that's an easy lesson for him to learn, but it is an important one unless you want him to live his life with an inferiority complex.

I am fairly certain this will be DD next year. But I've been trying to get her used to the idea that it might take a while to find her feet - and I've been able to point to her brother who made friends easiy in year 7, but, as it turned out, those weren't his forever friends and as he's continued through high school, he's met OTHER friends and those are his real friends.

I would agree with others - encourage him to try a few other things, both in and out of school. If he likes rugby and he's at the kind of school where eyou have to be a top player to get time, then frankly, a club is a better option for him anyway. I think it's ridiculous to be so strict on only the top players playing from Year 7 and to be honest, it doesn't speak well of the school. But in the meantime, find a solution by giving him options outside of school.

I'd also say with academics, his results being less strong than some of his peers is an opportunity to teach him about hard work and resilience. And arguably, the ones who find it so easy in year 7 might not be finding it so easy by year 11 and won't have learnt to put the effort in (I was, sadly, one of those children).

I would also have a conversation with this form teacher. Get a sense of what she thinks. See if she has ideas on what he could do at school to feel more included and part of things.

Thank you, there’s good advice here. His form tutor isn’t the most approachable (and he’s the rugby coach!) but it’s early days so I’ll see how the parents evening goes next term.

He does have friends and seems generally content with school - I think he just feels a bit of a gap and possibly a lack of praise cf primary…

Rugby outside school is a good shout. I’ll look into that.

The aim is for children to leave school with a sense of self worth coupled with a realistic understanding of their strengths and weaknesses.
Your son is just on the nursery slopes of all this and, with your support, he will get there.
The fact that he is not actively unhappy in school and that he has friends is really positive.

Ooops replied to wrong post