Please talk some sense into me - grieving my old life (FTM)

[babymamalove]

Hello ladies,

I am 28 years old and a FTM to a beautiful baby boy who is now 7 months. I had fertility struggles before this (stage III endometriosis) and feel very lucky I was able to have a baby. I found the newborn stage fine, however I am struggling more now.

I find the chores so hard to keep up with, the non-stop nature, I just can’t seem to get on top of things and the house is always a mess. I find it a bit dull and feel bad for saying this. I miss lying in bed reading with not a care in the world with no whining interrupting it. I see young people on the street and suddenly feel so old.

I’m not enjoying it and I really thought I would because I love babies and children. I always feel behind on my to-do list and find the endless chores so boring (he is fed, clean and happy - I push through despite feeling like this).

When I look on social media all the advice is to make the most of it, they grow up so fast - I then feel even worse about myself. Or others say that it’s just a phase and you’ll soon feel OK. But I want to enjoy him now and be better at this.

I’ve realised today I need to grieve my old life and accept my life now because those carefree lazy days are no more. How can I go about this? The grass is always greener on the other side and I don’t want to keep wishing my life away. I want to enjoy this and be a good mother. I have no clue if this makes sense so I’m just rambling. But if you’ve read up till now, thank you

Babies can be pretty boring!
Is there anything you do enjoy?
I’d suggest making doing something you enjoy a priority and not waste too much of your time on cleaning. Try to lean into the situation rather than fight the tide of dirty skirting boards.

Spend five minutes cleaning whatever room you're in. Get rid of stuff if you've got too much.

My solution to having no time to myself during the day is to stay up until midnight doing whatever I like. It does mean I don't get much sleep, but I feel like I've adapted to that now.

I think the best advice my mum ever gave me which I have applied to everything really, including motherhood, is that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it.

I have 2 under 2 currently and although it is hard at times (and chaotic) I try to fit something I love into every day where possible with kids. Think about what makes you happy, makes you feel like you, try to figure out how you can get that in. I like going for a coffee and a cake so we do a park/softplay/group and then go for a coffee once a week. I love running and exercise makes me feel like me so I have a double running buggy and get out for runs with the kids. I like to read so once my toddler is in bed and baby is settled I spend an hour reading in the evening. I know wearing a proper outfit makes me feel more like myself, so I try to actually get dressed in the morning rather than just shoving on whatever. I like to be outside, being in the house all day makes everything feel 10x harder so we spend a lot of days out and about, NT membership is great for this if you have a few locally. I love the cinema so we go to the baby/toddler cinema sessions at the Everyman every other week ish.

Is my house spotless? No. Is there always washing to do, skirting boards that could do with a clean, a cupboard that could do with a sort out- yes! But honestly it can wait. A happy mum = happy kids and a happy house, it’s not the same as pre-children, no, but try to find ways to make your life now fun for you.

Drop the chores (for the most part) during the day. Do you have a partner? Hand baby off to partner when he gets home and then you have 2 hours or so to do anything that needs doing and have time for yourself. Dh had ours from when he walked in the door until after they were dressed and ready for bed. I cooked (which I enjoy), laid down and rested, put the washing on, stared numbly at my phone, ate without a baby, until after he did their baths and got dressed. Same on weekends. You can still lie in bed and read. Hand baby off to partner. He can go to the playground, take a walk, visit family, etc.

Do things you enjoy during the day. Babies don’t need clean houses. They can wear yesterday’s clothes if necessary. What they do need is to experience the world and have a happy primary caregiver. Go do fun stuff. I’d take mine off to do whatever I wanted. No boring baby classes, no stuck at home folding washing. We went to the beach, to museums, to lunch solo, on long hikes, wandering about town. I did stuff that made me happy. Household chores can be done at the weekend when Dh is home.

You absolutely will have fun again. You will lie in bed for hours reading. You will have nights away and childfree travel. It really does all come back once the dust settles.

You wouldn't have your old life though. If you hadn't got pregnant, you'd be losing your mind with infertility worries. Travelling and all the exciting stuff you used to do would get older pretty fast. As to reading and lying in bed, well, you will get that soon. You and DH need to get into a habit of tag teaming at the weekend, so you each get a lie in and some uninterrupted time.

Toddlerhood is hard work but I found 12 months+ easier than 6-12 months, as they are so interactive and much more independent.

You do need to get over it and enjoy this time, accept this is the current chapter of your life.

If it wasn't hard, we'd all have 10 kids given how cute they are.

This is a good way to look at it. You’d always be grieving a life you didn’t have.
My daughter was stillborn, so my son born just over 2 years later was SO WANTED.. we were obsessed with having another baby, and then he came and I hated it for the first 6 months. I assumed I would find it easy after our loss, but I think I was in shock and like you hated the lack of lie ins and just being free. But I promise you it all comes back. Slowly but it does. Get the father to take baby out for a few hours, where you get in the bath, read a book. Anything except cleaning. My baby started sleeping over my ILs at 9 weeks, and that was nice for a break now and again.
Hes 7 now and I love him more than the world, and he goes over friends after school so I can just log off, nip to shops or gym or curl up and watch Netflix. It won’t be exactly the same but you get freedom back and it becomes a new normal.