Favouritism

[JustSittinHereChillin]

My husband and I have a little boy who will soon turn 4. He's tiny, intelligent, independent and very precise. There is no coaxing him into anything - he is certain of his own mind.

I stopped breastfeeding at 10 months because he started biting and pulling away (to the point of drawing blood). Within a day of me finishing, he stopped asking for "mama" and it was all "dadda".

Fast-forward 3 years and nothing has changed. When my husband comes home, he gets love and cuddles. When I come home, I frequently get ignored. The little man asks for Daddy often. Occasionally, he will ask for me but, when I then go to him, he'll say he doesn't want me there.

It's brutal.

Whenever I've mentioned it to anyone they've always said "it's just a phase, you'll be his favourite again soon". I don't want to be his favourite but I don't want to be entirely disposable!

My husband and I are very fortunate that we parent relatively equally... Nursery drop-offs and pick-ups are shared (I do two drop-offs, one pick-up, he does one drop-off, two pick-ups), we both work four days and each have a day with our little man (he has Wednesdays, I have Fridays), and at the weekends we take turns in the mornings (I get up first on Saturdays, he gets up first on Sundays). Bedtimes are alternated. It's as balanced as we can make it.

Jobs-wise, we try to split those as well but, stereotypical woman here, I like to be in control of the house! I do all of the food shopping and cooking, as well as a good chunk of the cleaning (though my husband has actually picked up more of that, since we moved), he does all of the washing and ironing, I sort all of the bills and general life admin (which has been significant because of a house-move and project-managing the renovations), and he keeps on top of the garden and exterior.

I'm aware that my husband is more fun than I am but I still do lots with our little boy (I play lots of cricket with him, read with him, sing and dance with him (he loves music), take him out and talk with him constantly).

I appreciate he is a child and he doesn't owe me anything. It's not for him to make me feel good - I get that and believe it to my core. But it's just been a very long time of constant rejection and I wish it would change. I've spoken to him and asked him how he thinks it might make me feel when he says certain things and he recognises it will make me sad but then says something along the lines of "but I've actually just run out of cuddles so you can't have one" then he'll shuffle off with a kind of shrug of his shoulders. I hasten to add, that isn't how we speak to him so it's not learned behaviour from us, either, and he always sees my husband and I being loving towards each other and towards him.

I'm not sure what I'm after, here. I don't expect there's a problem, and therefore I doubt there's a "solution". He's entitled to be himself, I know, and I love his personality. But I'm finding it hard 😔 I just want to see my boy light up when he sees me and run to me for a cuddle, or take comfort from a cuddle with me when he's upset (rather than pushing me away).

If you've got this far, thanks for reading.

My daughter was like this for a longggg time as a toddler. Like your household DH and I are very equal parents. She’s 5 now and I would say she’s come out of it but I don’t think she’s ever really had a proper “mummy phase” but she now seems to enjoy us both equally and isn’t as daddy obsessed as she was. It really is brutal and I remember being very sad about it so I feel for you. On reflection, now that we are out of it, I can see it’s a good thing. I’m so Incredibly grateful that she has an amazing father and a strong male role figure who she knows is as capable as mummy in domesticated roles, child rearing, household tasks etc. that’s a really powerful thing for a child (particularly for boys!). Yous son will benefit hugely from this.

I’ve had this and although it’s less noticeable now. (Except when the youngest tells me he loves me. But adds on ‘but I love dad the most’ at the end 😆)

I also take it as a positive that it doesn’t mean I have to be the one to do everything. And I’m so grateful that on the rare occasions I do have to travel with work, I don’t have to fret that everything is falling apart.

I would say with my eldest (8) we’ve got a bond that has grown slowly and quietly and is now very strong but understated. So it does shift over time.

Thanks, both. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

It's actually reassuring to read your messages because I feel brushed off, if I ever raise it with someone.

Thankfully, my husband sees it and has always commented it must be really hard for me. For the first year or two, I was able to smile and shrug it off with a very genuine "so long as he's happy, I'm happy" but as he's getting older, and it goes on for longer, it's making me more and more sad.

I feel like the only time he wants cuddles and to be nice / loving towards me is when he thinks there's something in it for him (e.g. prolonging the nursery drop-off or bedtime, getting his own way with a treat etc). I don't reward that behaviour with treats, I hasten to add, but it doesn't stop him trying it on.

I feel sometimes the kids make their mind up depending how we make the feel, as well as what they can get from us in a way. I’ve had phases that my DS and DD want my husband more than me. One of the reasons I noticed was I do or did a lot more household chores and keeping up with the schedules, so I am the bad cop / the boring one. However, I’m usually more empathetic towards my children so they’d come to me when they feel down and more willing to talk to me. For my daughter, it’s mainly because she can get daddy to do anything for her while i don’t give in. I know it’s not easy to be the less favourite parent but it might worth to observe why your son prefers your husband and also perhaps handing over some of the more mundane tasks to your husband so you can be the more fun parent too. I feel children are driven by their feelings more than anything else. If you want to be the more favoured parents, it’s likely you’d be the less strict / more fun / gives treat parent.