Should I do it alone?

[Aurelai]

Hello.

I lost my husband last May very suddenly at a young age, we were trying to have a child together ( I already have a son who is 12 from a previous relationship).
I am 42 and am wondering whether or not to use a sperm donor.
My main thought process is " now my son is 12 and we have this wonderful dynamic of more grown up time together, going out for lunch. Not being dictated by naps times ...etc etc....." do I really want to start all over again?

Has anyone had a 12 ( or would be 13) year age gap between siblings? Or did anyone decide to have another child at this stage on life.

I appreciate all walks of life chiming in on this , and I think you in advance for any thoughts or suggestions you think may be useful.

The immediate thing for me would be juggling the commitments of your soon to be teenager with a baby/toddler. Lifts in the evenings that clash with bedtime etc.

I find myself thinking how you have this lovely son already, the potential for this lovely dynamic as he gets older for holidays etc and how much this would be screwed up by bringing a baby into the mix.

I had ds at 45 and haven't regretted a single moment. My ex became abusive shortly after ds was born, so having spent a couple of years trying to persuade him to behave normally, I took ds and left.

All good after that, ds is now a happy confident 17yo, we have a great relationship.

What does your dc think? Have you chatted about the possibility? Are you fit & healthy? Financially can you offer another child a good childhood? Do you have family support?

No, don’t do that. It wouldn’t be good for your son.

How would you feel if your new baby was very high needs, or had a some kind of disability? These things become more likely when you have a baby in your 40s. How would that affect your older son?

I wouldn’t. I had both of mine in my late 30s but I didn’t have any other DC.

I think physically you would find a big difference in how you’d cope now compared to 12 years ago and having DFriends with such a big gap, it seems unlikely that the DC would ever be close.

I can see that it must be so hard losing not only your DH but the potential baby that you were trying for but I think you need to keep the lovely relationship you have with your DS.

What a difficult decision for you. I had my 2 DC at 37 & 40, with a partner. The DC are now 18 and 20 (home from uni this weekend). I think you need to consider your DS’s life over the next few years. As an example this has been our weekend:

Friday picked up DS from the pub at midnight and dropped his friend home.

Saturday dropped DS to friend at 4pm; 7pm DD held “Pre’s” for 8 and gave a lift to 4 of them to a party at 8.30; picked up DS at 12.40am and dropped his mate home.

This isn’t an unusal weekend. How would you manage those lifts with a toddler? Also, you would be 60+ doing the lifts for your new baby. My intention isn’t to put you off, just to consider the teenage years you have yet to encounter.

Yes our eldest had just announced that they’re home next weekend from Uni and will be bringing friends. Which is lovely but I can’t image hosting a house full and worrying about getting a young DC to sleep and waking up at god knows what time in the morning.

Also, you could potentially be 58 or 59, have the youngest doing GCSEs and yhe eldest could be still at home. Being that age myself I wouldn’t recommend it.

I was a completely lone parent @Aurelai and had a great relationship with DC -
Personally, I wouldn't start again with this age gap. Teenage years are hard - lifts, parties, potential of drugs, screen time, being present and engaged without interfering. It will be hard with a baby / toddler/ school starting... and easy to over look the teenager when it's such an important time in their life xx

You lost your husband less than a year ago...I don't think you should be making such a monumental decision so soon

Don't underestimate the potential difference between a twelve and 14 year old. The year 9 blip can be very real for some young people.

if I'd had a baby or toddler when ds was in year 9 I think it would have been awful. So my advice would be enjoy your boy.

I can't thank you all for your advice.

This year people have known me as a " widow" ( Christ I hate that I sound 109!) so it's great to have an outside female perspective.

I think it's mostly been , on reflection, the thought of my son going to uni and the life of freedom I thought I was going to have as a couple is now non existent and I'm looking to fill the gap.... Which is lunacy to do it with a baby.

Thank you all for writing with kindness and empathy.... This is why women should rule the world.

I shall look forward to midnight pub runs , cooking for entire squads of people and a house full of my son's friends.

I appreciate the time you've all taken .

Have a happy and healthy year xx

I have a 13 year old and no, I absolutely would not want a baby/toddler at this stage.

My 13 year old has activities til after 9pm 3 evenings a week. She wants to have friends over or be driven to a friend’s for a sleepover at 7pm on a Saturday. She has parents evenings that go til 7pm. She wants to do dinner out and cinema for birthday parties (and 13 year olds don’t want siblings dragged along to dinner with friends).

It’s challenging enough to balance with 2 parents and an 8 year old. It would be possible but annoying with one parent and an 8 year old. It would be really unfair and a nightmare with a baby. Obviously only you know what’s right for you, but no way would I do it without a partner to support me.