No resilience in 8yo DS

[Dooboodoo5]

Hoping someone can tell me if I need to parent better, if it is fairly normal or if there may be more at play here.

8 year old DS has always been a bit sensitive, possibly anxious, but lately he just really doesn't seem able to cope with much.

He is doing well at school, academically and socially but it seems to exhaust him a bit, once at home he can't seem to cope with any demands at all (even as simple as hanging his coat up instead of chucking it on the floor) .

When we're doing homework, if he gets something wrong he gets mad, scrunches up the paper, walks off angry and tearful. If he loses at a game, same thing.

We're trying to get him to be more independent and it's a real struggle. He will ask for help getting dressed, getting clothes out of his drawer, getting his toothbrush.... It is endless. We don't give in but you'd think we're asking him to climb Mount Everest.

His sister is 4 and wants to do everything herself, loves working things out for herself. Total opposite.

Basically if something doesn't come easy to him he shuts down and gets upset and gives up.

Is resilience teachable?

Honestly, I think it is teachable or at least encourageable but I also think it's innate to quite a significant degree- some people just seem to naturally have a lot and some don't. However, I think there's also a "younger sibling" element to it whereby the younger child always seems to be keeping to do the same things as the older one so they naturally push themselves.

I assume you've covered the basics of giving him a really hearty snack/very early tea as soon as he walks through the door? Mine is like this if not fed a decent amount immediately.

I recognise myself in DS a bit, I always wanted to be the best at school and would get so upset if I didn't understand something (still do now, I instantly get tearful at work if there's something I don't grasp or if I feel like a failure in some way) but I think it's more of a self esteem thing. And it made me try harder, not give up!

Equally with the independence thing, it could just be laziness but I am not sure.

Hopefully if we keep at it we will make at least some progress. We're probably guilty of having 'babied' him a bit too much.

I just got worried about the homework thing. He's never going to learn anything if he won't give himself a chance...

@Muckypig yes that maybe would help, he is constantly complaining of being hungry.

In that case definitely feed him immediately or you won't get anything positive out of him. Mine has a sandwich and a banana as soon as he gets home, and then dinner a couple of hours after.

I don’t think this is too worrying. He’s 8, not 14. My youngest is 8 and is definitely like this some of the time. I think what you are describing is a bit just being exhausted and a bit overwhelmed (Y3/4 is a lot different than Y1/2), and him recognising that he’s growing up and needing reassurance from you.

I think the best way to do it is not to push. Independence isn’t built by force. It’s built by creating opportunity. For example, I don’t like my ds using a public toilet alone. I’d prefer to accompany him. He knows this. He knows if he wants me to take him into the ladies or into a family toilet, I will, so lately he’s actually become quite assertive about going on his own. Similar with making himself a snack. I’m quite happy to do it and always make myself available, so he’s quite eager to do it himself. It’s a bit of reserve psychology in a way.

Tears and frustration with homework, I’m afraid that’s just a thing. You can have the most bold, independent teen (like my older one), but homework can still lead to tears and wanting to give up. I hate to say, it’s just how it is sometimes. Other things though are behavioural, like throwing your coat on the floor. That’s less about resilience and more about just not listening, so I think that is something you can be strict about.

Is he getting proper sleep? Does he play with screens a lot? Is he on screens too close to night time? School is a lot on them especially nowadays where they’re a lot less used to proper play and concentration isn’t as good as it was

Thanks @mindutopia that is actually reassuring, if fairly normal I'm happy to just keep supporting and hopefully we'll get there.

@Morepositivemum he does sleep well and we don't do any screens in the week at all, just some TV at the weekend. I am really glad about that as I imagine he may be worse otherwise. His concentration is generally good.

I do think there is an element of Year 3 being very different. He was 'greater depth' in all subjects until this year, without having to try and was always getting accolades from his teachers (star of the day etc). He's got a very strict teacher this year and I don't think they are gelling, he's not had any reward yet and finding it quite hard work in general.

When are you trying to do homework? Weirdly we found mornings better just before school rather than when they're tired after.

Have you tried rewarding the positive with him, especially over the things you really want to crack. For example tick every day he gets dressed, does his own teeth and after a week of success, he gets a small reward. (Choose the 2-3 things you're most bothered about first, or even one to get as run of success and change his habits).

The losing thing they do eventually grow out of. We had to do a LOT of modelling when we lost, narrating oir feelings "Oh I am disappointed I lost, ah well it was only a game and the joy is in playing the game" and before we played "remember there is a risk you might lose, do you still want to play".

8 is tiring!
Pick your battles and don’t fret about supporting him. He will get there in the end.

also get his eyes reviewed by an optician and perhaps consider a behavioural optometrist.

everyone I know with your fact pattern has later either been diagnosed with dyslexia or an eye issue which could not be diagnosed by a normal optician (eg Irlens). In every case it meant their child was so tired from visual processing that they were next to useless for anything else.

worth Considering.

“He is doing well at school, academically and socially but it seems to exhaust him a bit, once at home he can't seem to cope with any demands at all (even as simple as hanging his coat up instead of chucking it on the floor) .
When we're doing homework, if he gets something wrong he gets mad, scrunches up the paper, walks off angry and tearful. If he loses at a game, same thing. We're trying to get him to be more independent and it's a real struggle. He will ask for help getting dressed, getting clothes out of his drawer, getting his toothbrush.... It is endless. We don't give in but you'd think we're asking him to climb Mount Everest.”

When someone is exhausted the best thing is to help them out a bit more at home, not put more pressure on them to do more at home. Give him the help he is asking for. Just because he can dress himself, it doesn’t mean he has the energy to do it right then. He may also consider these bits of help acts of love that make him feel secure and loved at home. Refusing to help him when he is exhausted may be perceived as parental disappointment and withdrawal of affection.

I would not look at it as giving in, but giving him a bit of extra reassurance and support to offset a tough school year.

Agree with the pp that you can be strict about the coat on the floor- that to my mind is a different issue. Is he expecting you to pick it up?? Is there anything in that; ie him wanting you / mum to do things for him at his request. (Wondered if you do a lot for his dad?)

I think the resilience thing is something different. Maybe it’s the first thing, eg at school with new teacher, that he doesn’t have it really easy or that he’s not gotten easy reward. Is there something he has to work hard at to be good at- football or similar? That might help him learn that pattern of trying hard and succeeding. If he has done well without a lot of effort thus far it probably does seem like very hard work and therefore he is frustrated. In your shoes I would probably look to teach him that pattern by signing him up to a new hobby where he has to learn to be good; eg sport, games club or instrument. I would also probably start rewarding him at home for homework or other good behaviours that i felt were worthy and deserved a reward. Pocket money or similar reward; something that would help motivate him to try and complete a task at the very least. In the hope it would help him make that first bit of effort towards a bigger thing. Best of luck xo