DC (age 2 and 4) want mummy for everything

[notamorningpanda]

Hi, just wondering if anyone else went through this and found anything that helps. DC1 was happy with either me or DH as a baby. DC2 was always a mummy's boy and for the past year or so DC1 always wants me for everything too. I just don't understand why. DH tries so hard and we are pretty equal with how much time we spend with them. DH and I both work 4 days so have a day each with the children, we do alternate bedtimes, etc. Its understandably getting DH really down, especially when DC1 is saying "I don't want daddy day, I want mummy day", or having meltdowns because she wants me at bedtime (we don't give in, we are quite strict about alternating each night unless one of us has to go out but that's rare). I'm at wits end on what to do. People say it's a phase but it's been going on a year at least and it's getting worse not better. Any advice would be much appreciated! Thank you!

Hey 👋 yes all my children have gone through this at some point (2 yo is currently going through this) only advice i can give- which you are doing already- is don’t give in and try to think of what might be triggering it? I know with my 2 year old it is tiredness, as soon as she gets tired she will cry and scream if dad tries to cuddle her or do anything for her- even things she loves like going for bath or reading a book she will refuse to let dad do it and wants just mum, which is really hard because she used to be and still can be sometimes a daddy’s girl, they all grew out of it eventually, how old is your DC?

Thanks for your reply @Avie29 . They are 2 and 4. Good point, yes I think they are both worse when tired or poorly. For my eldest I think her younger brother always wanting mummy was the initial trigger - jealousy probably. DH getting increasingly frustrated by it is probably not helping either. He's not very good at hiding that it gets him down. Hope it passes for your 2 yo soon!

Yup I’m not sure it ever really changes! Just got to keep doing what you’re doing. I ended up doing the ‘final goodnight’ to both but my dh helped out with the rest of the routine.

You ignore their meltdowns and make the adult decisions that suit you. Bright and breezy “no darling, daddy is going to read you a lovely book so get your jammies on and get these teeth cleaned shall we? Show daddy what a big girl you are…” and then grey rock. Dad puts them to bed - similarly bright and breezy as if the meltdown and whining isn’t happening. If they get overwrought it’s lights out, silent cuddle, no words or negotiations.

The sooner you establish that adults are in charge, the sooner they get used to it and settle. If no one capitulates as a result of meltdowns they learn that it’s not going to get them what they want and tend to have fewer of them. If they’re genuinely upset, you don’t have to change tack, just soothe, keep calm and carry on.

Above all - don’t take it personally. Rejection is part of the boundary testing. But parental love is about boundaries and consistency over years and exhausting nights like that. Don’t let it get either of you down just keep going.

It’s basically gone on for 7 years here- of course they prefer me as I’m the main care giver but as we’re lucky enough to nearly always do bedtime together (both parents around) we’ve made it a rule to alternate bedtime stories/tooth brushing etc. and that helps I think- keeping it consistent and clear- nope daddy’s turn tonight as I’m with the other one and so on.

@notamorningpanda i found it was worse with my girls than my boys, my boys were generally mummy’s boys but never had that point blank refusal to let dad help like the girls, generally triggered around 3-4 same as your dc (2 yo is hitting it early but she was breastfed so i think thats why) you will be happy to know by about 5 it went as suddenly as it started and honestly am still none the wiser why 😂 just takes time, which is exhausting, yes my OH gets upset and frustrated when 2yo refuses him, i suppose being on either side of this phase is tough.