Working at my children’s school and finding it so hard

[TDSR26]

This is a bit of a long winded post and unsure how to start so here goes …
I am a TA and last academic year I ended up working at my children’s school (not out of choice, I was moved from the feeder school) it has been a hard adjustment and I’ve stuck it out purely for convenience.
I have two daughters at this school one in yr 4 and one in yr 6. My eldest is thriving, great kid. hard working, lovely group of friends and just enjoying her last year of primary.
My daughter in yr 4 on the other hand is really struggling and I’m finding it so hard to deal with. She’s a great kid, kind, friendly, helpful always does the right thing, and I have nothing but praise from other members of staff. Basically when she moved into yr 3 the two classes were mixed as the children move over from the feeder school. She was split from her two best friends and was so upset, I voiced my concerns and worries at the time but was told “she will be fine”. But in reality she really hasn’t been, she has really struggled with friendships (her closest friends seem to have got closer to others they knew outside of school), her one friend she did have in her class has been really unkind and turned others against her (although this friend has been to our house quite a few times and no play dates ever reciprocated). Last year she was relentlessly bullied by the class bully, this really knocked her confidence to the point she didn’t want to go to school. I had little support through all of this and wasn’t taken seriously as a parent as i worked there and I quote “you know too much” and “you’re in it too much”. In the last two years she’s had only a few playmates but not one party invite which breaks my heart. I have tried to make the effort with play dates and she had a party last year with a few friends but nothing ever back. She joined a football team this last year so I’m hoping that helps with socialising (3 kids from her yr group are also in the team), she’s got closer to one of these girls.
I have tried with parents and kept on making the effort when all the changes happened last year but it almost felt like because their kid was alright mine didn’t have a second thought. I’m so out of the loop with parents now as never really there at drop off or pick up as I’m in school already working. When I do see parents I just find it so awkward now, a lot have got really close and socialise a lot and I just feel so out of place.
I’m just really struggling with it all and have recently had time off work and only just gone back after half term. It’s so hard just standing back and seeing it all happen in front of you and feeling helpless.
I’m not sure what I expect from this post but I just don’t know what to do. Well I do know what to do, I need to leave the school but feel stuck as need the term time hours.

It's so hard- I am sorry.

You seem a little unsure whether this is normal ups and downs and your sweet girl might just be finding her feet a little slowly, or whether actually the school does not have a strong kind and supportive ethos that supports children and deals with bullying well. My instinct is that you are being gaslit by the school, told 'you know too much and it's fine' when actually there should not be a 'class bully', and the children should be helped more to learn how to be good friends.

Of course I don't know, but to me you sound a little diffident and unsure, like you have been pushed around and not taken seriously. Is there another school your daughter could go to? Is there anyone in the school management team who might listen more thoughtfully to your concerns?

You are doing the right things with football and playdates! You might just need to persist. Try not to let your natural feelings of discomfort at the awkward situation you are in make you give up on being friendly to the other girls and mums in your daughter's class. Is there anything you can do to give a feeling of a fresh start? Any children in the class who get aa bit overlooked and don't have so many friends already, who might become friends?

It is hard because on the one hand kids need to learn how to fight their own battles: going through tricky times helps kids to learn resilience, (blah blah blah). On the other hand, big institutions like schools are very good at brushing individual children's misery under the carpet, and telling parents everything is fine, when it's really not.

Sorry not to be more helpful, but I do sympathise.

That sounds really hard.

Not the same but I used to work next door to my childs school so i could see all the goings on outside. My child was struggling, school kept saying it was fine efc but I could see the loneliness. I felt so deceived by the school and as PP said, totally gaslit.

i wish I’d trusted my gut. it is more intense when you know more of the goings on but dont let that over rule your own instincts.

Thank you so much for your reply and you’ve completely hit the nail on the head with everything you have said. It really is gaslighting and I can’t believe I didn’t see it before!
How a complete stranger online understands it all through one clear text yet people that are supposed to support haven’t or chose not too!

Luckily management has slightly changed this year and the new ones that have come in seem to be more supportive and listening and I think me being signed off made it clear how much it was all effecting me.
The Head that hasn’t listened is still there but luckily mostly at the feeder school so I hardly see her or avoid her best I can when she is at the main school.
I do get angry at myself sometimes as feel I should / could have done more in regards to the bullying last year but I just felt so helpless.

I will definitely keep on with play dates best I can, her class is rather small and very boy heavy so I think she’s kind of tried with most of the girls she can but maybe I could encourage play with others from the other class.
Just makes me sad friendships I thought were good can change so quickly, I’ve always been the type to persue with friendships as to not leave anyone out but I guess not everyone thinks like that.

Your reply has helped more than you realise, thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

Thanks for your reply.

it really is hard knowing all the ins and outs and I’d rather not know! I never wanted to work with my children and was so clear from day one but management seem to do what they want and don’t care about how we feel or what we want.

I try and see things both ways as a parent and a TA but lines get blurred and it becomes overwhelming at times.

I hope things improved for your child.

People who are meant to help and care- friends, teachers- can so often end up showing us that we really just have to be our own friends and teachers.

Your girls are very lucky to have such a loving and thoughtful mum; they can depend on you, and that is the most important thing.

It's good that the school is perhaps being a little more helpful. When you are able to feel more confident about this situation yourself, I think that will also help your daughter. My kids are grown now, but they still need me to tell them a combination of: 'that sounds so hard, and I see how painful it is', and 'I know you are strong and can cope with this yourself- I am not worried'. I fail at this often, and feel bad about it. It seems to get harder as they get older and the issues they face are so serious.

Thanks for your lovely words, I try my best but I think us Mums always doubt ourselves and never feel we’re doing enough.
I also have an older child and I agree it does get harder, it’s a whole different level of stress and worry.

I definitely need to work on myself a bit and built up my confidence again, just need to try and be a bit more positive and hopefully things will work out in the end 🤞🏻

thanks again 😊