17 month old sleep help

[Hydrangea60]

My son has (up until now) been a brilliant sleeper, sleeping through consistently from 12 weeks apart from illnesses and teething. However he's been getting his canines in over the last couple of weeks and his sleep has gone haywire.

He'll generally settle fine but will wake at some point between 12 and 2.30 and we just can't get him back to sleep. It generally takes 2-3 hours before he finally gets too exhausted and upset and conks out. He'll then sleep until between 7 and 8.

We've tried:

Soothing him in the cot - makes him more distressed
Leaving him to cry for a few minutes to see if he can self settle - makes him more distressed
Cosleeping - he messes around, wriggles, clearly can't get comfortable and eventually starts to scream in frustration because he's tired and can't sleep
Nurofen/calpol - no difference
Teething gel - no difference
Cuddly toy - no difference
Night light - no difference

The only thing that seems to help at the moment is a bottle of milk, but he hasn't had milk at night since he was 3 months so I really don't want to get him in the habit of relying on this.

What can we do?! To avoid drip feeding, I'm currently having medical tests for a benign brain tumour and am already struggling with fatigue, brain fog and depression. I work 4 days a week and am completely broken by this to the point of not being able to properly function at work. I spend most of the day trying not to cry with tiredness.

On the days I spend with my son, I just lie on the sofa and can't interact with him at all. He's got a speech delay but I have no energy to do activities etc to help him with this.

We have no family support, my husband does what he can but he's broken by this as well. Splitting the nights between us doesn't help as our house is too small and the screaming wakes me up, and I'm then on edge so I can't sleep.

I don't think this is the teething anymore, I think he's just forgotten how to self settle and I don't know what we can do.

First thought is that he sounds undertired and like he's having a split night. Is he having one nap? How long? What time? What time is bedtime?

He might just need a shorter nap or later bedtime to fix it :)

Pls post his full routine. So sorry to hear things are tough for you.

Thanks for your replies. His routine is (roughly):

Wake 7.30-8
Breakfast 8-8.30
Lunch 11-11.30
Nap 12-2 (shorter at nursery, generally only about an hour)
Snack 3-4
Dinner 6.30
Bath 7.15
Bottle and book 7.45
Bed 8

He's clearly tired by 8 and I don't really want to push bedtime later if I can help it as we need those couple of hours to get things done around the house and actually get some time to ourselves. We also often have to wake him up for nursery.

We can wake him up early from his nap but I'm always reluctant to do this as that's when I nap too! Nursery won't cap his nap either. Length of nap doesn't seem to make a difference to night sleep.

I think you are trying to get him to have more sleep than he needs. Expecting a 12 hour night plus 2 hour nap is unrealistic, sleep needs reduce as they grow. You either need to cap the nap, later bedtime or wake earlier in the morning. Whatever seems to work best for you all. But you need to stick to whatever it is for at least a couple of weeks to see the difference. Mine is 16 months - she has 1 hour nap (usually less at nursery), bedtime at 7.30 and usually wakes at 6.30. Sometimes earlier bedtime when she only has a 20 min nap at nursery. She has slept far better at night since we capped her nap at 1 hour. I know it’s tough when you are not well, but you have to stop those awake hours during the night by removing them elsewhere. If he’s awake for 2-3 hours over night, hes telling you he needs 2-3 less sleep within 24 hours. It’s not about self settling, he simply isnt tired enough.

@Peonies12 thanks, that's helpful. I guess we can try capping the nap at home first. The naps at nursery tend to be shorter anyway and as I said I don't think they'll agree to cap it there, so we might need to do a later bedtime on those days.

He has always been fairly high sleep needs, and was doing 12 hours at night plus 2 in the day fine before his teeth came in. Could his needs have changed that quickly?

This has coincided with him starting walking, so I don't know whether it's developmental or if he now needs more exercise (difficult as he's not quite at the stage of being able to walk outside yet). I think we're in a vicious cycle where I don't have the energy to do things with him where he can burn off physical and mental energy but maybe he'd sleep better if I did.

I've had issues bonding with him since his birth, and I feel bad saying it but this is really making me resent him. I know it's not his fault, and he's a lovely happy chilled boy most of the time so I feel guilty for even thinking it.

Sorry, OP, the whole thing sounds horrendous. I guess your options are either just getting up with him in the night for a couple of hours (to minimise the screaming; that way you and your partner can take shifts/switch nights) and hoping it's a phase that passes OR trying tweak nap/bed time. Like you, I'm not so convinced about this one. Nothing I've ever tried has affected my baby's sleep, and I'm not sure I even buy into the idea of a set 'sleep need' - some days my kid is definitely more tired than others. Might be worth trying before throwing the baby in the bin, though.

Re walking - take him for a walk outside! My baby cannot walk independently, but she can stagger around holding onto my hand/s and loves nothing more than face planting onto the grass. If you've got a garden/park near you, it's such an easy way of keeping them entertained. Almost no effort (apart from periodically removing sticks from mouth), although it's murder on the back.

Also. Have you tried just holding him when he wakes at night? I do this when my baby can't get herself back to sleep. Try putting down once he's super calm (or after he's been asleep for a while).

I agree with PP.

My DS slept terribly at 17 months. By 19 months I'd figured out his naps were too long. I capped his nap, he started sleeping through and night weaned! Wake up time and bedtime also became a lot more consistent without the split nights. You might find your whole routine shifts earlier once they are no longer having lie ins to catch up on lost nighttime sleep too which means you'd have more time in the evening anyway.

Wake him up earlier. I have an 18 month old and that would be way too much sleep for him.

You've been extremely, unusually lucky so far. So it might help to adjust your mindset, acknowledge you've had it super easy and it's just a bump in the road. If he's been sleeping so well until now, he will get back to it soon enough. I don't say this to patronise you, my point is you have hope and just tell yourself you need to sail through a slightly tricky time.

Absolutely don't introduce bottles. Don't create another problem now. Bottle should not be an option. Cup of water, yes.

Thanks for the replies, we'll try capping the nap from Friday onwards (he's in nursery Tuesday to Thursday) and will see how it goes. My worry is that it will just make him grumpy and overtired for the rest of the day though.

I'll try and get him some more exercise as well. He is clearly tired when he wakes as I once tried to take him downstairs for some play when I'd given up and he just lay tossing and turning on his playmat. When he gets into a state he won't be held, cuddled, doesn't want to be in his cot or our bed. He just gets so frustrated when during the day he's normally so chilled.

I do think you need to acknowledge how lucky you’ve had it with his sleep so far. My 16 month old has never slept through the night. But the only bonus is were so used to it thst our ‘good’ nights are celebrated, eg onky 1 wake!! It’s normal to resent it but it’s temporary. Appreciate it’s hard if you’re not well but toddlers do need so much activity yo sleep well. Could you take him swimming? That tires mine out so much