What to do when 2yo says no?

[wanderingwillows]

Sorry if this is a ridiculous question but I’m seeking advice.
My 2yo is increasingly testing boundaries and yesterday, for example, flat out refused to hold my hand when crossing a road. She stomps and shouts “no” and that’s it, won’t do it.
What sort of discipline am I meant to be giving her in that moment, to show her that it isn’t ok to just ignore/disobey me? Particularly when it’s safety related?
So far, I always end up saying she can’t have a treat after her dinner, can’t have TV etc but that consequence is so delayed that I then later feel mean following through with it, because I think she’s forgotten by that point why it’s happening, so no lesson is learnt.
What am I meant to be doing ‘in the moment’? I’m worried I’m raising a kid that walks all over me.

In the moment instead of giving one option instead say: "crossing the road is dangerous. do you want to hold my hand or be picked up?". Just repeat that, and if refuses either a couple of times, just pick up. She wants to test boundaries and have control. Youre giving her control by letting her choose from two options, she'll get used to it.
If say no to coat on, again"do you want mummy to put coat on or do you want to put it on? "
Disciplining her hours later won't work and isn't fair. She won't remember what she did wrong.
If she throws a toy, take it her and then and say 'throwing hurts, if you can't play safely with toys you can't play with it'. Return it when they say sorry at your encouragement or when they've calmed down.

A few basic things you can do in advance:

• Prepare them for it ("in a minute we're going to be crossing a road")
• Turn it into a game ("the road is lava and we have to get across quickly!")
• Give them the illusion of choice ("you get to choose to hold my right hand or my left hand")

And, what Mumsnetters probably don't like to hear...crossing the road is a safety issue. There is no debate to be had. If all else fails, you either cancel the road crossing - perhaps meaning whatever you had planned doesn't happen - or you physically pick her up and carry her across the road. She will learn that road safety is not something you're not prepared to negotiate about, which is important because 2 year olds will want to negotiate EVERYTHING with you.

You hold her hand crossing the road. She doesn't get a choice. She can scream and shout all she likes, but you have hold of her hand/wrist. Carry her if you need to, but her "no" is irrelevant in a safety situation.

She needs to know that although she gets choices in some situations, ultimately you are in charge.

Discipline isnt required per se.

Down at eyelevel.
Mummy's job is to love you and keep you safe. I"m going to carry you, when you can walk nicely and hold hands let me know"

Under the arm and off you cross.
(Forced hand holding wasnt reliable. We carried her and she hated it which meant she learned to walk faster imo)

As their language got better "road coming up ! What do we do! Baby salmon tell everyone!"
Then she proceeds to boss us with instructions and hols hands nicely.

Its more showing this is how it will go.
I gove my kids a lot of choice with clothes / food and play.
If it cost nothing I let them pick.
If its important its mummy turn to be the boss.
She knows if I say it i mena and am inflexible so sort of resigns herself toit.

Refusal to wee or brush teeth at bed I say your choice. If you dont I will remove X toy from your room. She then "chooses" to wee ,/ brush teeth.

It’s not about consequences, it’s about ensuring she does what she’s told in that moment. So in your example she can hold your hand or be carried.

I tried to say yes to my DC whenever I could, eg if they wanted to do something that wasn't part of the plan for the day. That meant that when I said no, they knew I meant it. I didn't really bother with choices or consequences in this sort of situation. Just said "you have to hold my hand to cross the road" and did it.

Delayed consequences are totally pointless at that age.

At 2, the “discipline” is it happening, there is no need to punish them later. Crossing the road is an easy example - you hold their hand (by force, if necessary) or pick them up.

You just pick her up or grip her arm and cross the road. Buy reins and see how she likes that.

Yes give an option - hold hand or I have to pick you up.

Don’t ask her to do something - say ‘time to do this now’.

You just hold her hand? What do you mean what do you do if she says no?? You’re the parent, you decide what’s best for her and what’s best is obviously making sure she’s safe crossing the road.
She is walking all over you, who lets a toddler not hold their hand and says “yeah well you won’t watch tv later!” Instead?

At two I'd just grip their wrist firmly. Safety in a potentially dangerous moment has to come before any modern parenting theories. Don't make things sound like an option if they aren't.

You need an alternative safe option with you for crossing roads so either hold hands or it's reigns on/picked up/back in the pushchair. I used reigns with mine at that age because neither DD would hold my hand across roads. Delayed punishments don't work at all on toddlers, I'm not sure they work on anyone. You have to hold the purpose of the consequence in mind, you're not punishing her for saying No to you, you're making sure she crosses the road safely so the consequence needs to fit with that.

Don’t ask if it’s a non-negotiable, tell her she needs to take your hand and then take her hand. If she starts messing about a sharp “stop that now” and continue in your way. The more you explain, ask or give in the more power she has. Yes take time to explain choices where you don’t care what the outcome is but decide your non-negotiables and stick to them.

Pushing boundaries for kids is about safety - as in do these rules hold all the time. It’s natural she’s going to push and it’s important you hold a line.

Reins, picking up (even if she's thrashing around) or buggy.
She is too young to understand the risk. No point in getting into negotiations or consequences about it.

For things like road crossing you hold her hand or carry her.
Coat either accept she doesn’t want to wear it and take it incase or put it on regardless.
Giving choice can help - red dress or blue dress? Etc

Mine is a bit younger, but for anything safety related around cars, I say "There are cars, you have to hold my hand or I will carry you like a sack of potatoes." If that doesn't do it, then over my shoulder the toddler will go, safe, not uncomfortable but with no dignity. We had one week off persistently trying to run off around cars and used this technique, and now we are getting much better hand-holding out and about. We've asked the grandparents to do the same thing.

I try not to have hills I will die on with the toddler most of the time, I compromise where I can, but teeth brushing, car safety etc - they aren't negotiable and so I am really firm. Then I try to give choices for other things.

Non negotiable. Either hold her hand or carry her. I agree she’s too young to understand the risks, but safety first always. Be firm and tell her this is what we’re doing.

We are in the middle of this - generally our daughter is very chilled but she continuously tests boundaries, and wants independence, which is great on one hand but also I am her parent and I am in control. I found this really hard to start with but now, when we do not have a time restriction, I wait it out until she does what i says. So for example we have had a couple of occasions where she refuses to walk any further or hold my hand etc. If I'm not in a rush to get somewhere I have taken the time to remain calm, give her two options like people have said, and not moved until she chooses one or the other. If we are in more of a rush e.g. on our way to nursery or an appointment etc I give her two options but say that she must choose or otherwise I will just pick her up or I will just put her shoes on. I also say after a bit if she is still testing, I'm going to count to 3 and you can walk up the stairs or if not mummy will just carry you. She is usually doing what I ask her by 2 🤣 she sometimes really cries afterwards but she has done what I have asked and I praise her. To begin with my husband didn't agree with the approach as he said she was running rings round us but I pointed out that she always does what I ask her in the end, and I don't let her do otherwise, so she is not getting what she wants she is doing what I have asked. It is definitely starting to pay off but at times it is very very very hard to keep my patience especially when we are in a rush and I just need her to do x y and z. Afterwards once she has calmed down we talk about it, why it is important to listen, how we say no sometimes to keep her safe etc and how proud we are of her making good choices. It all take effort and it might not be for everyone but I'm hoping it's for the greater good!

Also, I try and turn to humour to knock her out of the meltdown. If I want her to walk I ask her to march or sing a song or walk funny. If she won't go up the stairs we pretend to be an animal while we walk up. If she won't brush her teeth I pretend we are looking for treasure in her mouth 🤣 all defuses the situation but she is ultimately doing what we originally asked. And like other people have said it telling not asking sometimes - time to hold hands now rather than can you hold my hand. Time to put our shoes on rather than can you put on your shoes please. I forget that a lot but its a good one to remember 🤣