5 year olds calm aggression

[Calendulan]

My 5 y/o DD has for some time now been quite aggressive in a very calm way. When we have a cuddle, she will often wrap her arms around my neck, squeeze and try to push my head as far back as possible with her shoulder. She knows not to do this as I tell her repeatedly she’s hurting me and that she should be careful with people. She will also often butt heads with me and push as hard as she can (like two rams having a fight). Again, this doesn’t happen in moments of rage or anger, she’s perfectly calm, but I can see on her face the intention is to hurt me.

It’s starting to get me down as I feel like it’s hard to show affection when I have to just tell her off instantly.

For wider life context, she’s a super bright, happy child. Has settled well into school and otherwise seems very content other than the expected age appropriate behavioural challenges. She has a 2 y/o brother who she is quite jealous of, but I try to ensure my attention is split evenly.

Not suggesting this is a related or that she necessarily has it, but my husband has recently been diagnosed with ADHD, so aware there’s a chance she may have it and DH has said he sees a lot of ADHD traits in her. Trying not to add labels at the moment, however, as aware it could all just be age appropriate boundary pushing (for eg, she displays behaviours of PDA and RSD).

i just don’t understand what could be causing her to act in such a way. It’s been going on for a very long time (way before she started school), and I’m just not sure how to respond to it anymore as nothing seems to work. it’s getting me down.

any help/advice would be appreciated.

Does she generally like firm cuddles or contact, tight clothing or bedding? Are you the only person that she does this too? Can she try to explain why she does it? If it’s a sensory thing have you tried squeeze type toys?

She does it to DH too occasionally but with me all the time. She also squeezes her brother a lot too (picks him up and squeezes). If I ask her why she does it she just says she doesn’t know. Can’t say I’ve noticed a preference for tight clothing or bedding but she does like a firm cuddle. Hadn’t considered that it might be sensory - will try her with a squeezy toy!

My 3 year old is suspected audhd, very very clever, more than she should be, very kind and caring, but like a Duracell bunny, can’t follow instructions etc… absolutely certain she’s the same as me (audhd) and she does this. She’s very rough and likes hard hugs, squeezing, pinching even, does the same to her younger brother. (2 months and 15lbs thank god so not exactly fragile) if you’re seeing other signs in her it may be worth speaking to hv if you still have one. How is she at school etc? Any concerning behaviours? Probably sensory seeking to be honest, squishy toys, weighted blanket, stepping stones etc are all useful in this house.

I agree that it's worth trying some other ways of getting this sensation for her, and then building that regularly into her routine, so you keep her 'topped up' on that feeling, essentially.

You can get body sock things, but rolling her up in a blanket or gently squishing her under sofa cushions or a big exercise ball might help. She might find pushing into the exercise ball and squeezing it helps as well.

For squeezing her brother, it's also possible that she's just trying to show affection – she likes a tight squeezy hug and probably doesn't yet understand that not everyone likes it that tight.

That’s interesting to hear - your DD sounds very similar to mine. No concerning behaviours as such, but definitely has issues with demand avoidance and gets upset very easily if she feels left out/rejected.

I will try a weighted blanket and squeezy toys - thanks for the suggestions!

Thank you for your suggestions - the blanket/soft cushions is a great shout! Will try it after school today and start to implement it into her routine and see if that helps.

Is this quite a common sensation for children to seek, or does it indicate maybe she does had ADHD?

I believe it's more common to see a sensory need to that level when a child has autism or ADHD, but it's not always that – it can just be a sensory need. Definitely worth keeping in mind though, as you said DH has ADHD.

If she likes one of the ways of being wrapped up/squished, we combine that with listening to stories/Yoto player when a bit of a longer reset is needed.