Nearly four year old is so so fussy 😩

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

Hi eveeyone

ive posted about this before a few years ago and nothing much has changed. I have a preschooler (four in may) who is an incredibly fussy eater. She will eat porridge in the morning but I have to sit with her and read her stories while trying to eat my breakfast too (is this common? I know some children like it etc).

lunch is hit and miss and dinner is too - she will eat cheese sandwiches, cream cheese sandwiches and sometimes cheese on toast. She will have beans and hoops but leaves the bread. She eats no veg or meat with us at all and won’t eat scrambled eggs. Nursery tells us she does okay there but often she will just pick at the food eg burger she will eat the bun.

she has never eaten a proper “meal” with us iynwim eg a stew or things combined. It’s always all separate. She won’t have nuggets, chips - sometimes has oizza but only homemade. Won’t eat any of the typical food for kids - I know people dismiss it as junk but I pray for the day when she eats even that!

we’ve jus come back from a party and she refused the lunch (pizza, chicken tenders, chips) and only ate ice cream. She has an emotional reaction to things offered - it’s all “yuck!” Or physically recoils very dramatically 😂.

I had to leave the room at the party as I was so worried and had tears in my eyes. For the last few years it has dominated my life - we can’t go out to eat, and holidays (and weekends) fill me with dread. On holiday last year she barely ate - it was very upsetting and Makes me not want to go away.

we have resorted to using a screen as this sometimes seems to distract her and eat her dinner but that is not a sustainable solution.

she is on the slight side but I think a healthy bmi. All these insta posts and recipes for “fussy eaters” do not apply to my daughter. She doesn’t rly seem to look fwd to food and I look enviously at other children who just tuck in to food.

I have tried ignoring/ letting her not eat the main and then offering her dessert (yoghurt and dried mango/a little biscuit) as have read not to use dessert as a reward/ punishment. I also have done all the things you shouldn’t - bribe with a choc button, tell her she needs to eat it etc.

at weekends we don’t rly eat dinner together as she eats earlier than us. We do HelloFresh which she would refuse anyway. We are going to continue HelloFresh as we have a newborn, my partner has just started a new difficult job and it’s a lot easier. We’re also not very good cooks! Something to address when we have more time.

i just worry so much about her. I don’t know why I’m posting really - for solidarity? Horribly it makes me start to resent her - why can’t you eat normally?

honestly her limited food breaks my heart. I know she’s not doing it on purpose but it is so hard. She won’t eat when she’s hungry - she would rather starve.

is anyone in a similar position or has been? I feel so alone. My partner doesn’t think it’s as big a worry as me (he has a nephew who only ate pasta for years) but he is also a glass half full type.

sorry for the length - I’m just so worried.

I could have written this post, my daughter is 9 now and I find it so stressful when we go anywhere and she won't eat anything unless we bring it with us.

Have a look at ARFID, I believe this is what my daughter has. Solidarity!

I’d also look into ARFID a bit more. My son was diagnosed when he was 5 . It’s very very tough he’s now 7 and has been eating the same foods since he was 2 .
There’s also a parent support group on Facebook which light be helpful

Mine was a fussy little thing too. Ate very little and was basically uninterested in eating. He ate so slowly and not a lot at all for years. He got to about 12 and started growing and finally became hungry and now as an adult eats everything.

What would you do? Serve him new foods or just his safe foods? And would you just give him anything to fill him? Eg sweet things because calories are calories. I’m so worried about her and don’t know what to do as she seems beyond normal parenting techniques.

Read up on ARFID

my eldest was like this

once he got into his teens he has slowly increased the number of food he will eat

theres no point forcing it. We just gave the food he would eat and vitamin tablets.

My eldest was the same and still is to a certain degree, she’s 10 now. I just used to always have one of her safe foods on the plate and kept trying new things, sometimes she would try them and randomly like them for short periods. She also doesn’t like ‘wet’ food. I’ve always found that she eats best in the morning so try to pack in calories then x

I generally gave him what he would eat. Pitta, and houmous, smoked salmon, and yoghurt. Most other stuff went via his plate to the bin.

My oldest was / is the same. She’s 12 now and eats a few more foods but not a lot of variety at all really. I used to get very stressed about it but I gave up years ago now, it is what it is. I give vitamins and encourage new foods but she mostly survives on a few beige items and chocolate. She will have fruit smoothies at least these days. My second child eats anything and everything…. So that kind of showed me that it’s not my fault and it’s just how she is.

So hard isn’t it. Is your daughter ND by any chance?

Thank you for all your replies. Those whose children are similar / have arfid are your children ND? I know there is a link with ND and ARFID but is that a definite link? My nephew for example is ND and a good eater.

I ask because I’m worried about this - I have adhd but it hasn’t stopped me from
being a successful and well rounded adult. I.e if you met me I appear “normal” for want of a better word.

my daughter is bright as a button, sociable, silly and a good little talker. She doesn’t always love a cuddle - it has to be on her terms but we have good cuddles every day. She was a late walker (17 months) and shuffled on her bum for months instead of crawling. She is relatively good with change - I’ve just had a baby and she is doing really well. She still has a dummy but I’m letting that go atm as I think she needs it for security due to new addition of sister. She is very cuddly with sister and loves her. Nursery haven’t mentioned anything but I might ask their Sendco. She can sometimes be shy and a bit grumpy with new people but can’t they all? Some of the behaviour I worry I’m assigning something to it when it’s simple child behaviours.

No I don't think she is ND, she's shy but that's about it.

I know it's really hard, I had one similar but the foods they would eat were cucumber, ham, and breadsticks. Please take heart that no matter how many holidays you cancel, or meals you don't go out for to cope with this, it's really unlikely that all she will eat by the time 18th birthday are cheese sandwiches.

Try and eat together, that's one thing you can try to do that would be beneficial. But otherwise, try to take the heat off this. She will be very very aware that this is causing you distress, picking up on every tiny facial expression, and any tension present over her eating. It's the one thing they can control while small, what they put in their mouth and swallow.

Do whatever you can to let go of the outcome on a daily basis, and commit to seeing where you are at the end of this year, rather than on a micro level.

My almost 5 year old daughter has been like this since around 18 months. Quite soul destroying isn't it? Especially because I'm so food-centred!

She'll only eat fruit, bread, houmous and plain pasta (plus pastries, sweet things, crisps of course) so we can't even hide other stuff in her food because it's all so plain. Getting blood tests done for her soon.

Also I have a 10 month old and although she eats well now I'm worried she's going to follow suit 😔

So, she eats:

Cheese sandwiches
Cream cheese sandwiches
Beans
Hoops
Porridge
Dried mango
Little biscuits
Burger buns

It's about the calories not control or what you want her to eat. Stop leaving parties for a cry and focus on what your dd does eat rather than turning what she doesn't eat into a battlefield.

10-15 mins for a meal and then clear away. No snacks. She'll be hungry at the next meal where you will offer the things she eats. Offer a little ham, some halved grapes, a few hula hoops, pitta bread, a tiny bit of fresh chicken. Let her have a tiny white fillet of plaice - it's easy and plain and she might eat it. Will she eat pasta bows?

Stop the fussing and stop making eating a melodramatic battle ground. She's sensing our stress and it's making meal times difficult.

My DD is 4.5 and she has been especially fussy with food for about a year now, even more so since her brother came along 3 months ago. She also doesn't eat unless we are sitting with her and she will now only eat plain pasta, bread, porridge, apples, bananas (sometimes) and jacket potato (not any other type of potato and not the skin). She also will eat almost anything that comes in 'snack' form.

I have started giving her small amounts of different foods separate to her dinner to expose her to 'unsafe' foods on a daily basis (we use a split plate similar to the plastic ones you'd get in a canteen). Always alongside 'safe' food so I know she won't go hungry. It has been a long slog but now and again she does try something new. She may not eat is again the next time but there is gradual progress. We also don't pressure her to eat anything or try a food and just let her decide when she is full but we are clear there is nothing else for dinner. Slowly she has learnt she can't just hold out for snacks/more of the preferred foods. I do understand how stressful it is though I do think it is quite common at this age from the conversations I've had with friends with children of a similar age.

You have my sympathy. I had a very picky eater, but as an adult they eat a huge range of food and are a very good cook.

I realise that with a newborn you will be busy but the one thing which would get a bit of fruit or bread into mine was to set up a teddy bear (or dolls) picnic. Then serve very tiny pieces of food to the teddies. Of course they need "help" to eat from the humans, quickly popping it into their mouth but pretending the teddy ate it. It might not work for you but perhaps worth a try?

My godson was like this. His poor parents worried so much about him but eventually in his teens, his dietary choices broadened.

They always ate together when it was feasible. They also gradually replaced some of the family staples with subtly more nourishing versions. Think swapping white bread for one with seeds or cheese blended in, or semi skimmed for whole milk. This meant he got a little more nourishment, even with restricted range of foods.

If it doesn’t seem to be getting better any time soon, I would see your GP.

My son is like this. Use simmer or cook not hello fresh

Im convinced my son has ARFID and he sounds very similar. Our GP isn’t interested as he’s growing so I just try and manage it the best we can. Most of the time I just give him safe foods to be honest, prioritising calorie intake and every now and then offer him something different or new. We have a sticker chart for trying new foods. He will happily try things but it almost never becomes something he will regularly eat. Holidays and restaurants are difficult as often if the location is different he will then refuse familiar food. It’s not as simple as he will have a tomato pasta, it’s even down to specific brands. I just try and not stress about it as you can see him feel physically uncomfortable around food.

Also u agree to eat with her. Even if it’s just a rice cake and olives before your main meal.

Hi! Reformed fussy eater here. I was never formally diagnosed with ARFID (I was a child in the late 80s/90s and I’m not sure it was so well understood) but I am neurotypical so from my limited experience I would say fussy eating is not always linked to neurodiversity. To give you a flavour - at one point in childhood I would only eat a homemade kids curry and rice, toast, cereal, yogurts, cheddar cheese or chips. Since I was a teenager I’ve eaten a totally normal and healthy diet with zero remaining fussy tendencies. Understandably my parents felt much like you do and I know my Mum researched the topic as much as she could. Some things that worked for me, are:

1. Take all the pressure off mealtimes. If your daughter wants spaghetti hoops and bread, make that available. Anything not to make mealtimes a battleground
2. Try to eat as a family more at weekends, put all the food on the table in its constituent parts (even to the extent of plain pasta, sauce in another bowl, cheese in another bowl, plate of garlic bread) and allow everyone to serve themselves. Make sure there are enough safe foods on the table that she has an obvious meal to serve herself (eg. You could do spag bol for the rest of the family but still put a plate of cheese on toast in the middle she knows is for her. The most important thing is she feels involved in the meal but she has control). I promise if you do this Saturdays and Sundays for the next year she will eventually be intrigued to try something else on the table
3. Consider one or two items it would be useful for her to eat to enable her to enjoy play dates / holidays / meals out etc and repeatedly introduce those in the family setting. From what you’ve said, I’d suggest pizza and perhaps fish fingers. Find ways to regularly put these on the table without enormous pressure to eat them. Eg. Get her involved in making pizza for the family, even if she then eats something different. Stick two fish fingers on a separate plate at mealtimes regularly and see if she asks for them. If she doesn’t, after a few weeks have a conversation about what makes them ‘yuck’ and based on that perhaps offer to take the coating off and she just tries that bit, or just the fish in the middle. Let her touch and hold the food even if she doesn’t try it. Eventually she will try a little and start to eat the whole thing
4. Try to be as neutral as possible about meal times. This is a life skill you are helping your daughter navigate. The issue itself is not a reflection on your parenting, but how you tackle it is (so while I understand the tears, you need to get a grip on this). Accept that things will improve, but it will be very slow. If in twelve months time she has two new foods she’s regularly eating, that’s a win. Praise the successes but stay neutral on the bad days. In general she needs to feel you understand her, and have her back on this - even if that means you take a lunchbox with a safe sandwich to parties / play dates for a period. She will eventually tell you to stop when she realises herself this is awkward

On the psychology behind why this works, I think a previous poster who hit on the idea of ‘control’ is correct. She probably would desperately want to please you and eat a greater variety of food, but something about the experience of smells / textures is making her recoil, coupled with the pressure that has built up around mealtimes. Take this off and allow her to go at her own pace and it will solve itself in time. Crying, begging etc doesn’t work and just makes everyone involved feel awful.

On your points about Hello Fresh and the fact you have a newborn - maybe all you can do for now is point one and build in points 2/3 once you’re out of the newborn wildness. But long-term I do think you need to significantly change your habits here to help your daughter, as what you’re doing right now isn’t working.

Hope than gives you some tools and try not to beat yourself up about this. It can be solved. X x

About half of children with AFRID are ND.

the Birmingham food refusal service diagnosed my son with AFRiD ( can do the assessment remotely). You will get a really good report with recommendations. You have to pay for the assessment obvs.

If it is AFRID, you need to try really hard to get your anxiety under control as there are no easy fixes and you are in it for the long haul.

It sucks, it really does. Sorry OP.

yep she will eat pasta bows - might have to try it in front of the tv as that relaxes her (I know not good practice but needs must sometimes). To be clear, I went to the loo for a couple mins because I was getting teary, I wasn’t sobbing my heart out lol. I think that’s fair enough in my postpartum state! It was also hard to see all the other kids tucking in so easily to the pizza and my daughter looking sad. It’s very very hard not to be emotional about this as feeding is a fundamental need and I don’t want her to struggle, particularly as she is going to school in September. I know I need to be more matter of fact about it for sure but I don’t think im being melodramatic.

This is rly helpful thank you. I try so so hard not to comment on her food but it’s hard not to when she doesn’t eat lunch/ dinner. Sh hasn’t seen me cry thankfully. Appreciate your advise and understanding of newborn life! Really good points to consider and implement.