5 Year vs 8 Year + Age Gap (Eldest Has ASD) — Looking for Experiences

[Twinklinn]

Hi everyone,

I’d really appreciate hearing from parents who have either a 5-year or an 8-year plus age gap between their kids — especially if your eldest is on the spectrum.

Our oldest has ASD, and we’re trying to think carefully about what kind of age gap might work best for our family. I go back and forth a lot.

Part of me feels like a 5-year gap could allow them to grow up closer together and maybe develop a strong bond. But I also wonder if an 8-year gap might mean less rivalry, less overwhelm for my eldest, and a more nurturing dynamic rather than competition.

If you’ve been in a similar situation, I’d love to know:

• How your oldest handled the transition to a sibling
• Whether there was jealousy or increased behavioral challenges
• If they play or interact much
• Whether the larger gap helped with maturity and understanding
• If you’d choose the same spacing again

I know every child is different — especially with ASD in the mix — but real-life perspectives would mean a lot.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences 💛

My dc are dd15 and dd7.

I am 6 years younger than my db so also a bit of first hand experience myself as the youngest. My older db definitely has ASD but not formally diagnosed (he was born in the 70s when autism was only recognised if it presented like the Dustin H of “Rain Man”.

• How your oldest handled the transition to a sibling

My dd8 was disappointed to get a brother not a sister but adored the baby.

• Whether there was jealousy or increased behavioral challenges

My dd was old enough to simply enjoy the first year; then covid struck and so year 2 and 3 were a bit odd.

• If they play or interact much

Absolutely until dd lost interest in playgrounds about age 14.5. Dd would sometimes play, sometimes step into “mum” role, sometimes do her own thing and ignore ds. She taught him to play board games and how to skateboard.

My own recollections are a mix of adoration and fearfulness. My db is borderline genius I think - and he could be a lot of fun. We did play games but my db ordered me around a lot - I was his personal slave for several years! When I was small he could amazing (set up mini Olympics in the garden, or played cowboys with me) but also cruel - insist I had to play cricket then bowl tennis balls at my head til I cried. Then in mid teens he struggled enormously - perhaps the combo of ASD and hormones was a disaster but he was angry, lazy, aggressive. Sometimes he frightened me when he argued with my parents and I’d be sent to my room to stay safe. I found his behaviour incomprehensible. By the time he left for uni things had stabilised but it was cool between us. As adults, we are friends but not close. I love him, but I know him well and so I keep some distance.

• Whether the larger gap helped with maturity and understanding

Definitely in my DD’s case. Right now it does feel like parenting two only children simultaneously- the needs of a 7 yo and a 15 yo are wildly different.

• If you’d choose the same spacing again

No, I’d prefer at most a 3 or maybe 4 year age gap but life didn’t hand me that opportunity. The age gap worked best when dd1 wasn’t a “proper teenager”. They do love each other, but by the time my DS’s character has matured my dd will be long gone I suspect, and she will miss out, and so will he. So I don’t expect they will be close. But you never know!

Thanks for the detailed response. Do you think 5 years will be too far apart for them to be close / enjoy same activities etc?

i meant to add something which is the “full on” nature of an 8 year gap!

When dd turned 12 and hormones hit, I’d only just emerged from the toddler years (ds was a late bloomer probably due to Covid).

As dd emerges from those difficult years… ds will enter. Basically I have to manage the teenage years for a long time!

This might sound easy peasy but remember : small children rise early. DS never sleeps past 7am. But teens stay up late - dd15 rarely turns in before 10.45pm.

So my day of parenting is long. Most nights dd wants to study or watch Netflix but some nights she wants to play cards or watch The Apprentice or whatever, or be picked up from a friend’s house late at night.

I don’t mind in the slightest but if that sounds exhausting or you need oodles of quality time with your dh, bear it in mind.

5 years is a big age gap so it’s likely they won’t be close (even if they get on) eg a 3 year old and 8 year old won’t like the same things

I think five years will be easier than 8! But it depends on the children - you could have two girls a year apart who really don’t get along.

We are lucky our dd is sporty and not a “girly girl” and ds is really a physically talented child so she enjoys that connection with him. We have steered ds towards her hobbies a bit - films, cycling , climbing, roller coaster parks, chess, judo. They both still love a day crabbing or building sandcastles at the beach. It’s a bit of a problem with ds being jealous of dd for getting to do things he can’t yet. But he gets to do more stuff than she did at the same age - he’ll tackle a blue mountain bike trail that dd only recently agreed to try.

Holidays were easy for ages but now hard - dd wants adventures but ds needs something more family-friendly.

It surprised me how well my dd engaged with ds age 1 to 5 actually. It’s harder now than when he was small!

DS was competent on his balance bike age 2 so we would go out for rides in the woods. DD had him on a skateboard by age 5. They both loved going to the local playground and dd played endlessly with him there until pretty recently.

We would also have Lego building competitions - me&ds vs dd. And we can have a pretty vicious game of Monopoly if dd leaves her bedroom (rare these days!).

My dd adores kids and wants to be a teacher - I strongly think her experience of being big sister has encouraged this.

We have almost 5 years between our two and DC1 has ASD. With the caveat that all children are different, I don’t think it would have mattered what age gap we had, DC1 wouldn’t have liked it. They have never really bonded and the age gap and personality differences are such that they haven’t tended to play together much or have similar interests. A bigger age gap would have been more difficult. I would say it took him well over a year to understand DC2 was here and wasn’t being sent back.

For us, I think we would have had to have had a second much, much earlier for DC1 to just accept that was how things would be. That wouldn’t have worked for us for a whole host of reasons, not least what DC1 was like when younger!

Basically , I would be really clear-eyed with yourself about why you want a second child. You are absolutely allowed to want one and to have one, but you need to be clear in your own mind about what your motivations are and that your older child may not like it and may not get with the programme.

It would be worth bearing in mind that your second child may also have additional needs, and will have needs regardless of that. I have found it quite difficult to meet both children’s needs and would definitely be able to meet DC1’s better if he was an only child. I think having a sibling gives untold benefits, but it doesn’t mean they appreciate each other!

For activities, we find this tricky as there are relatively few things they agree on with this gap. Bigger would be more difficult but then you might be into the stage where the older one would want to do things with friends. We divide into pairs a lot of the time. You definitely need a strong partner and equal co-parent!

I have a 4-year gap between my two, and my eldest also has ASD. She's now 5.5 and my 1.5yo has largely caught her up socially and emotionally. I'd do the same gap again tbh - my eldest handled becoming a sibling like an absolute champ (but was a lot less fond of DD2 becoming a toddler and permanently trying to invade her space/get involved with her play!). So DD1 was very understanding when I had to say "Sorry, I can't at the moment because I need to put the baby down for a nap" but is much less understanding when DD2 destroys her magnatiles creation yet again or tries to play with her toys!

From what I've seen, siblings who have a lot in common and play well together also have a fair bit of jealousy. Mine have similar interests so are very interested in each other but also there's a fair bit of jealousy. But we're also home educating, it would be a lot easier if DD1 was at school during the day.

Don't over think it, there's no wrong age gap really! We have 3 year gap.

• How your oldest handled the transition to a sibling

Fine, we did one parent one child as we were both off on parental leave, to keep things consistent for the eldest.

• Whether there was jealousy or increased behavioral challenges

They came once the youngest could crawl around and grab his stuff and mess it up! But it was mainly a case of intervening at the right moment and trying to manage the situation. The issue we have is if they are together eg in a museum the eldest wants to find one thing and spend hours on it you literally have to give him an ultimatum to get him to move onto three next thing or leave. But the youngest just wants to float around, have a go on everything and then have lunch, etc etc, so it's not really possible when you have to have adult supervision.

If they play or interact much

Yes far too much the youngest loves to play and the oldest is really intense and easily diverted from whatever he's supposed to be doing. They play pretty well when supervised well.

Whether the larger gap helped with maturity and understanding

The oldest understands lots of things fine it's the the emotional regulation that is the major issue, but I don't think age gaps affect that.

If you’d choose the same spacing again

Why not, I think close enough that they are at similar life stages/schools/interests but not so close that you have two in nappies etc. It's a personal choice really.