Does it get better after two years old?

[graygoose]

Very exhausted and miserable single mom of toddler DD here - she is 2 years and 3 months.

I love her to death, I’m so happy to be her mum. Ex and I broke up when she was 10 weeks and he sees her 3 times a week but he’s really more a glorified baby sitter. She goes to nursery full time in the week as I work full time and I have a lot of help from my parents who live next door.

But I am really struggling with her. I know the toddler stage isn’t easy but she is SO strong willed. EVERYTHING is a battle and a fight - getting in the car, getting out of the car, eating anything that isn’t chips or ice cream, going to a place, leaving a place, taking a nap, going to bed. I do all the usual tactics - make things a game, give her choices and sometimes it works. But this stage is wearing me down.

I see my friends with kids the same age who seem to be sailing though. Their kids are so calm in comparison, don’t argue back at every small point or action and they also have another adult (partner) present to help out. I feel frazzled and overwhelmed and my mum said the other day I overreact to DD when we are out.

And I do. I feel like it’s my fault I can’t regulate her or be calmer for her or understand her. I find myself resenting her, assigning malicious intent to the completely innocent and developmentally normal actions of a toddler. But I dread the weekends where I have to fill up the days, battle to get her out of the house, battle when we are out of the house and battle to get back home. I feel like crying even writing this.

PLEASE tell me it gets better. I hear that 3 years old is even worse than 2. How could that even be possible?? I’m so defeated and anxious.

I always say 3.5 is the watershed
That’s when they meet milestones that seem to make life easier. They understand more and can use their words and physically they can use the loo, feed themselves and walk places without a buggy. All the little things that make doing anything so exhausting.

Everyone has ages they find hard. But I have three and definitely found life became so much more manageable when each of them reached 3.5. It’s all been downhill from then!

Although I’ll just add that you haven’t had many replies because it’s mostly a UK site and as you’re using Mom you may be an American and it’s 03:45 here and I am up because my DD 23 has just noisily crept in from a night out!

I’m not a single Mum but found it keeps getting better and then definitely easier from around 3 although I think working full time with little ones is always hard and exhausting as you never really get a break and you are always thinking about 3 things at a time. Then I had a second when DD was 3.5 and it’s gone back to being hard and struggling to get out of the house again.

My children are 6 and 3. I'd agree with others that it absolutely gets easier. The thing I most wanted to say is not to compare yourself to your friends. You are totally right doing it single handedly is a completely different ball game, but also, kids are so different from one another. I really haven't done anything differently between my two, but my DS3 is just So. Much. Harder. DD6 was shy, thoughtful, clingy, which was quite annoying when everyone else's kid would go off and join in. DS is a total whirlwind. So opinionated, tantrums, shouts, hits at the smallest sign he isn't getting his way. Has to do everything himself or he loses his shizzle... then loses his shizzle because he struggles to do whatever it is. Whatever we suggest, he wants to opposite. Before having him I might have imagined that somehow our parenting had given us this easy thoughtful DD (pats self on back), now I am quite certain that you get who you get and your job is just to love them (and get through it... somehow 😅).

Change the ages of the kids and I could've written that @WhichBigToe ! That second child has humbled me!

Op, I would say that all kids have different temperaments and that all kids go through harder stages. If not at 2, then at 3, if not at 3, then at 4 or older. Some kids are hard work at 2 but then dream teenagers.

And it's no wonder that it feels full on when you're dealing with everything on your own.

I find Janet Lansbury and How to talk so little kids will listen the most helpful of the parenting info out there.

Mine were pretty easy kids but everything gets so much easier once they’re about 3 and can use an adequate vocabulary to communicate.

I know you want me to say it gets easier, but I'm not sure it does, not dramatically anyway. Not for me anyway. Some things have gotten easier, then other things have become harder. We have pretty complicated kids though, which probably contribute.

Right now they are playing upstairs together (both primary age), and I'm sat down. Bliss. But due to ongoing sleep issues, it's nearly 11:00 before both are asleep at night, at least one is usually up in the night, and they ping awake at 6:00 and no longer nap. There's a lot more to juggle with school, homework, school holidays, and for different reasons both my children still have meltdowns, which are more extreme and difficult to deal with and when they were young.

Then again and there's some people with kids the same age where they're really easy. It varies for everyone!

It sounds like you don't spend much time with her. I always think that my child is a little demon after nursery or a long day with other people. My days off with him are much nicer and chilled out.

It does get better. They're not known as the 'terrible twos' for nothing.

7 they become reasonable, a wise uncle told me re my twins. He was right!

I probably would minimise the choices and one doesn’t always have the bandwidth to make everything a game.

the getting in and out of car/pram - sometimes one has to do a bit of bundling and ride out the storm.

You area hero tho. I hated the toddler age with my kid and I have a pretty supportive partner. Just not an enjoyable age for me.

I'm a single parent to a 2 year old too with very little external help. It is hard.

I think we manage by letting go of lots of things. Our weekends are quite relaxed so there isn't that urgency to get in the car (like they're is on a weekday when bribes are used e g. Their favourite song being played in the car ). We walk to the park or something as we are both overtired on weekends. If they don't want to go shopping with me, I order the food shop. If they don't want to eat, I give an alternative option or just give them a banana or yoghurt and let them eat the next meal when they are hungry. I don't force the nap time either. Sometimes we nap later. Sometimes I just lie down quietly and my child gets bored of playing and lies down next to me or we go for a walk in the pram and they fall asleep. I do that a lot, just quietly wait and then try again, usually because I'm tired.
Obviously the above doesn't work all the time and we sometimes get epic meltdowns but it does help manage things a lot.

I work too and I honestly think both me and the little one both needs lots of calm and relaxation and playing together during any free time so I have pared my life right back which has helped.

Edited to say just realised you asked does it get better, not for advice! Apologies. I've left the above comment in case it helps though.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful and helpful replies. I wrote it when I was in a particularly bad trench but all your comments have not only helped me gain perspective and hope but made me feel less isolated. Thank you x