Problems at school - shall i just move her ?

[KatieDD]

My DD can be quite a difficult child, she's quite insecure and has absolutely no confidence at all.
She has two friends in the school, two basically have a little love/hate triangle and when we went on holiday the 2 girls became closer and wouldn't let her back into the group.
So now she's not really got anybody out of a class of 30 that she plays with, some of them are friendly enough but they don't seem to be on her wave length at all.
She's really creative, likes her own company and can concentrate for hours if she's interested in something.
So I have my eye on the independant school close by which is about to become an state school, but i would need to get her in before Sept 2009 to secure a place.
I was thinking that if she is in a smaller group the teachers can give her more help in the areas she struggles with, Maths and socially, also they can keep an eye on the subtle stuff (some of the girls in her class do take the piss out of her, she doesn't realise but as a parent you can see it), plus I was hoping in an accademic school there might be somebody else a bit like her.

Today has been another day of DD being basically blanked at playtime and lunchtime, which seems to me the worse kind of bullying.

My thoughts are if I move her to the other school that will be it until she's 18, come hell or high water she stays (which is an option).
Any thoughts/wise words ?

It sounds from your description like a good place for your dd, but ime realistically be prepared for a tricky first year as she settles in to a new environment. Also don't idealise the private school as some can be a hotbed of girly rivalry and petulance. Do you know ppl already there who speak well of it?

DD'll also have to work hard to break into established friendship groups there but you're right about potentially finding other kindred spirits. Can I suggest with my teacher hat on that if possible you don't take her out of school in term-time since as your dd has experienced, it does disrupt friendships - for some reason girls' ones always seem more intense.

Hi Katie - just wondering why and/or how the groups will be smaller in the new place, if it's to become a state school. Regardless of whether or not smaller groups would help here (a point I'm ambivalent about), I'm puzzled as to how the school can keep classes below average size. Also, I haven't heard of many public schools changing into state schools. I guess it happens, but it strikes me as slightly strange. shrugs

I think term time holidays have quite an impact as friendships are quite fragile at this stage.

Honestly,if she is happy there I wouldn't move her. I would organise play dates with lots of different classmates, inc. the two old friends ( seperately of course)
Also, talk to her teacher to check that things are as bad as you thing and maybe work together to improve her social/confidence skills.
If her confidence is so very low then the same thing may happen in the next school, and where will that leave you?

One comment is that I've actually found that in my dd's class (it's a small ish independent school with one form entry - 22 in the clas at the moment),
with there being so, comparatively few, children / girls she feels like she has noone to play with if her group of "friends" (used loosely ) are being all you-can't-play-with-us.

Sometimes I wonder if the one form entry wasn't such a good idea for my dd - but other than that issue we're happy with her school.

Maybe you're right, the family desperately needed the holiday though, hubby and I were on the brink of divorce and we've straighten ourselves out as a result.
The private school has an excellent reputation but because it is becoming an state school everyone I know has left it lol.
I believe the staff will maintain the standards and hopefully the kids left will be the ones who's parents are quite normal.
Fingers crossed.

The school is able to control the numbers still by not allowing any more intake after Sept 2009 and where they do allow intake at reception, 11 and 16 they have capped it at 24.

I wouldn't expect a new school to solve these problems (as you see them). You'd do better to have more solid reasons for the move.

Fair enough, I need a balanced view, thank you

How old is your DD? My DD went thru a very tricky phase in a triangle in Y2. The following year, she was sat next to the girl in the triangle that she had been least friendly with and "hey presto!" the triangle is now very strong, two years on.
Does the school know abuot the problem?

Y3 - the school know i've sat down with the class teacher and the solution to the triangle is to tell the other two to stay away from my DD (although my DD did kick one of the triangle, through fustration, so I see where they are coming from) but not a solution in my mind.

We really have done the play dates thing to death, literally 25 kids have been to my house, I do all class parties and she never and I mean never gets invited back, she hasn't been to anyone's house this year :-(

No solutions Katie, but you're not alone, see my thread about my Ds! His problems started with a triangle in Y3.

We decided not to move schools, and were advised not to by teacher friends as well as his own school who were very supportive. Might feel like running away to your child, and there is no guarantee that teh grass will be greener. On the other hand, my porr ds remains unhappy. It's a gamble either way, is all.

It may be different with private schools, but heads of state schools around here have an agreement not to accept pupils from each other's schools unless both heads agree that every effort has been made to sort out the problems at the first school and that moving is in the child's interests. Otherwise, there can be a merry-go-round which is unsettling for the children who move and those who stay.

Isn't there a risk that if you move your dd now and she doesn't click or make friends at the new school, she'll be stuck in that uncomfortable environment until she's 18? Have you tried swimming, ballet, judo, Brownies or anything else as a way of finding friends out of school?

I have tried ballet, drama all sorts and basically I know the problem is her, not the other children, not the school I'm extremely aware and sensitive about that fact.
School I fear is never going to be "fun" for her and so I suppose I'm trying to look at other angles and think well if nobody is going to speak to her at any school private/state because she can be an utter idiot at times and even her sister cringes at some of the things she does and says, then maybe the way to get the best out of her is to put her in a smaller group where they can keep a better grip on situations.
I am at an utter loss.

Oh dear. Your poor daughter and poor you for living with such worry on her behalf.

I know that nobody really wants to take their child to a psychologist, but do you think that might help her? Could an educational psychologist perhaps teach her some coping strategies or some different ways of interacting with other children? If the school doesn't have a psychologist available, perhaps your GP could make a referral.

It might help: I am currently reading "easing the teasing" by Judy Freedman and this does have some strategies for exploring with your child how their own behaviour might be inviting problems, and how they can help themselves.
I think that the solution probably does have to be the child's, but perhaps I'm not best placed to advise, as I find it so distressing hearing my son talk about his day that i clam up. Doing my best to carry on with it though.