Please help, my 4 year old's behaviour is just awful at the moment

[Gsy]

Hi all,

I am hitting rock bottom now, I have tried vitamins, read so many books, listened to podcasts, spoken with the Senco etc and my son's behaviour just seems to get worse. He is in a small class and has lots of outside and movement breaks.

DS behaviour is not typical ADHD, it is calculated and isn't continuous so doesn't appear to fit the criteria (but awaiting assessment). He will go out of his way to be unkind to others, pour water in a shoe, pull someone's pants down, tear up a drawing, run outside when he isn’t allowed. He doesn't have tantrums or meltdowns etc, he just sniggers.

Every day I get incident reports and nothing I say or do helps. Rewards like stars, soft play, swimming, extra stories with mummy don't work, neither do punishments. He doesn't have much screen time so have nothing to take away and wont be affecting him and we eat all home cooked (I make my own bread, my husband fishes so our diet it very good).

He is a smart kind interesting boy at home, but at school he is a menace.

I am looking to hear from mums of boys who have experienced this and how they coped, any tips and how their boys are doing now. Respectfully, if you haven't lived it, please don't comment because I have plenty of mum support and Senco support but I have no support from anyone in the trenches and this is my desperate attempt to get it!

I just wish I could home school but that isn't an option as I work.

What makes you think he has adhd? They won’t diagnose it in children younger than 8 in the UK. Is it just the school environment he is like this? How was he at nursery? Disruptive behaviour can be because he is overstimulated or stressed in the school environment and is lashing out but that’s more indicative of ASD. Does he have any sensory issues or intense interests or anything like that? How does Dad act around him, are rules etc consistent or do you change approaches/parent differently?

my first was similar to PP - given he doesn’t have the classic behaviours of adhd and is only 4 years old why on earth is the adhd label being attached to him already?

It would be damaging to deal with it as a SEN if he doesn’t have adhd.

Have you tried a really basic thing of teaching him what the expected behaviour is? I literally drummed it into ds at this age, day after day after day. So I’d tell him (either via a real example or through a story) - this is how you have to behave in school.

“Today you are going to practise trying to sit quietly in class at your table, with your legs down on the ground like this, and keeping your hands to yourself - your hands will be on your knees or on your desk” - this is better than saying “don’t poke or tickle or fidget” because they only fixate on the words “poke …tickle….fidget”.

“always listen to your teacher, and when she’s talking you keep your eyes on her so she can SEE you are paying attention”

“if you are being noisy when everyone else is quiet and the teacher is looking at you, that means it is time for you to be quiet too.”

”if another child hurts you or makes you sad or angry or stops you from doing your work, tell the teacher or the playground supervisor”

Then I’d test him - “if Billy pokes you today /scribbles on your book, will you be angry? Yes? Ok what will you do when that happens?”

He is too little to understand how irritating he is! He cannot help acting on impulse. But you can start to teach him how to manage those impulses. He won’t get it right all the time but I often think we simply miss the step of explaining “what good behaviour looks like” on a minute by minute basis.

Loads of praise when they get it right!

Have you tried also posting in the SN Children section @Gsy?

Posts in there don’t show up in the active feeds and you usually only get MNers responding who have DC who are ND or have SN

Is your DS currently on the Pathway for ASD assessment?

Has he had a hearing test to rule out Glue Ear?

And has he seen an OT, SaLT and Portage?

Hi, thanks for getting back to me. I don't personally think he has ADHD but the school has floated the idea. I have dug my heels in and said I don't think he does but I get the feeling they think I am burying my head in the sand (which I am definitely not) I just don't have the same child at home that they report about.

he does hate hand dryers and loud noises so perhaps he has sensory issues and he is obsessed with balloons and fan so I would answer yes to that too. My husband is really hands on and is very good with him (he started off not being very useful in the early days but I must give him credit, he shares most things 50/50 (although I am definitely the default parent. I think our parenting mostly stays consistent but it's hard some days to not be upset when we get the feedback of him being unkind to other children again.

this sounds more like ASD hope you get some helpx

I am not sure why ADHD has been brought up tbh. The school has implied his behaviour is not on par with others his age and I can see he is the most difficult child for them to manage.

your advice is very very helpful! Why have I not read this anywhere! I heave not tried this approach but seems like a really good tactic. We do maths and reading but have never practiced sotting quietly or listening. I am 100% going to adopt this!

Sorry, I am not in the UK so the process does not work the same here. We are based offshore so not sure what most of this is. We literally get referred to a 2 year wait list or we can go private but I am not convinced my son needs assessment so haven't considered that yet.

Thanks you 🤞