This is probably a stupid question but...

[P0ttytr1aning]

Please can someone walk me through how they taught their child how to clean up after a poo independently?

Ds is 3, just turned 3 at Christmas but has been potty trained solidly since 2.5. He's really consistent with it all during the day but still wet at night and I still need to clean his bum for him after a poo.

I've tried to teach him how to do it himself but he's really struggling to reach round far enough while staying on the toilet and not falling off. And I'm thinking I'm just not doing this right.

His nursery refuse to check him after he does a poo and even though I did ask and said to them that we're working on it at home but he still needs help and his bum checked (was told this would be no problem), he's coming home plastered in poo all over his pants (to the point a while back we had to start using sudocreme again because he'd obviously spent a few days in dirty pants all day) and telling me that he asked but was told he had to do it himself. I can literally smell him when I pick him up at the end of the day and it's dried solid in his pants.

Even though he's only turned 3 he's big for his age so i don't know if they're expecting more of him because size wise he looks older than he is. But either way, I really want to help him crack this so if anyone has any advice or tips or such please send them this way! Ideally I'd really like him to be able to do this confidently before hopefully starting pre-school in Sept. He's really independent and capable in other ways I just can't seem to get this to connect for him.

No they seem to be expecting it and are strongly encouraging him to do it by himself. So he's coming home red bum and some days it's bad enough I'm just binning the pants because it's literally pasted on.

At home we're working on it but he will always call me to advise and then check when he's cleaning and he very rarely reaches where he needs to reach so then I'll clean to "check" and explain what I'm doing and get him to pay attention to the feeling of where he needs to be cleaning.

In nursery I've told him to ask for help and he's said he's asked but has been told he needs to do it by himself. He's said some others get their bums cleaned and some don't so I don't know if it's down to the stage of potty training or if it depends on the staff member who is on that day. No students that I'm aware of the team have all been there for quite a while and otherwise are great, he loves going and they clearly work very hard to put a lot on for the kids so I wouldn't move him over it, but just thinking if I can help him get to grips with it quicker then that's maybe better.

He will get there op, abit young still.
i would complain to the nursery though, being covered in poo, smelling and having a sore bum is neglect on their behalf.
I can't think of a reason that is sufficient that they could say for not helping him or clean him up as they'll surely smell him.

I think it's time for a meeting with nursery manager now tbh the inconsistency is weird and they need to be clear with you on a plan going forward

The nursery really isn't that great if he's coming home covered in faeces and with a rash. That's basic negligence.

And if they can't do that, they're probably shit at other stuff too.

Because no empathetic, caring human would leave a 3 year old like that.

I can’t figure out how you have better access sitting down than you do standing up! Standing up you just reach behind you. Sitting down, how do you her your hand between you and the toilet?

To get him used to the twisting / bending round action, clip some clothes pegs to the bottom of his top at his bum. It develops the cross body pathways in their brain

Thats very bad form from the nursery. Ours are willing to help and if there ever is a time when dd has got a few marks on her pants then she is changed by the staff. To leave him in shitty pants all day to the point where he’s needing sudocrem is totally neglectful. They are still only little, some kids aren’t even potty trained at that age. I wouldn’t expect my dd to be able to effectively clean herself just yet and she is 4 in a few months.

Balloons, tape and chocolate spread/peanut butter
https://www.tiktok.com/@michellewpark/video/6960009832560659717?lang=en-GB

I’m actually quite shocked at all those saying the nursery should be doing this! Mine didn’t start nursery until 3 and was fully potty trained by then. His room was 3-5yo kids. The toilets are attached to the playroom and the children just go independently. There were children not yet potty trained who were taken to the toilet and changed etc but no staff went with those who were toileting independently. There was always staff stationed within earshot incase someone needed a hand but it wasn’t routinely done.

@P0ttytr1aning A step will definitely help. He’ll be able to stand up off the toilet but still have knees bent. The nursery toilets will be very low so he’ll probably be able to do the same there with no step.
We had a similar problem with DS when he started nursery despite him wiping independently at home. Turns out that he was forgetting the “check the paper” stage in his hurry to get back to playing. He’d do one wipe, straight in the loo without a look, flush, wash hands and back to play 😅 So we did lots more practice at home and really exaggerated the checking the paper and wiping until it was completely clear.
I did also let the nursery know that it was an issue and asked them to prompt him so he’d come out of the toilet and they’d ask him if he’d done a poo and if yes then they’d just ask “did you remember to wipe until the paper was clean?” and if he knew he hadn’t he’d rush back in and finish wiping.

@P0ttytr1aning I should add - if it’s noticeable and he’s coming home smelling etc then I’d be complaining to the nursery. He should be getting help if it’s clearly needed. DSs definitely wasn’t heavy enough soiling to be noticed outside of his clothes so wasn’t something the nursery would have been aware of until I brought it up

He had an enhanced DBS and was allocated one little boy that he was responsible for changing nappies for but as op said the staff didn't go into the toilets with the toilet trained children just stood outside, seemed to be the policy of the nursery which I found rather strange as none of mine could have cleaned themselves at 3 years old🤷

Absolutely not acceptable from your nursery!

when my DD was about a year older than your child I made her a clean pants reward chart - that worked well! Hilarious cartoon pants graphics I found online and made into a chart and she loved it. Yours is a little young but worth trying later on.

No in reception teachers and assistants don't wipe bums, but that's over a year away for your DS and he'll be able to do it by then I'm sure, so i can't believe a nursery setting won't help him wipes it seems crazy when some 3 year olds aren't potty trained yet. It seems incredibly neglectful that they'd let him sit with poo on him all day, when they're his care givers in lieu of parents while he's their care and so should be doing all that a parent would do, he's still so small!

They did in our nursery. DS was free to go whenever he wanted as the toilets were attached to the room, but whenever he did a poo, he would shout “I’m finished” and someone would come and help him. Same with other children!

I’m equally shocked at nurseries that won’t help children in the toilet!

Yeah it seems very inconsistent. A little bit of a skid I expect but not to the point I'm having to bin pants. I'll have another chat with his room leader again about it to see what approach they are actually taking and what the policies are. To me for safeguarding it makes sense that they step back as early as possible when a child is toilet trained but I think this is just a bit too early for him.

Google Jo Frost (super nanny) for her video on teaching children to wipe their bottoms. I don’t rate her for much but she’s good with this. From memory it’s something to do with standing like a duck, pushing their bottom out.
Until I retired, I worked with little children and we were always happy to help wipe -teachers and TAs. More than once I’ve been walking past the toilets and a child’s shouted, “I’ve finished”. Ive gone to see if they need help and have often found a child off the toilet, hands on the floor and bottom nicely presented - which is obviously what they do at home!

I’m shocked the nursery don’t help or supervise at that age. My son’s just got competent at doing it by himself and he’s 7. A 3 year old definitely needs help with this and coming home covered in poo isn’t on!