Feel bad for how the days ended

[Cwebbb9]

I have. 4yo and 2yo. Eldest may be neurodivergent, currently getting referral but not going to speak too much on that, just to provide context as his behaviour is a bit different i feel.

We had a good day, slow morning. Went to the library then playground and then we took a faulty toy back to smyths DS got for his birthday and he picked a new one as in his words "I didn't play with that anyway mummy" (luckily he felt this way as its out of stock lol, NB: the castle playset at smyths is extremely flimsy)

So it all was well. Then tea time happened. Then more play and DS (my eldest) is just being rough with his little sister. Pushing shoving hitting etc. I felt like I'd diffuser one thing then she'd be crying again as he pushed her. I did time outs, had words etc. Near bed time I raised my voice a little. I felt awful at bed time. I explained why we dont do that and if she is 'in his way' (his words) we say excuse me etc

But now it's later on I feel like a piece of shit I am constantly so stressed and anxious. I am on my own with them 80% of the time. DH works not away away but not close to home so might as well be staying away. I do near everything so just feel so chaotic and if I am admitting things, a bit sad. I ook back on when I was a mum of 1 and felt like I was so different. Obviously more energised more patience and just feel I was better overall

I'm still 2 years on really struggling with 2 kids

I think you might be too close to the problem to see it for what it is. Your oldest was too rough, you explained why it wasn't acceptable and what to say instead, he continued to upset his sister so you raised your voice. This seems fine? I think you're being very hard on yourself. X

I agree

do you have anyone else around OP? Even if it’s someone to just pop round for a coffee. You haven’t done anything that warrants a shred of guilt here, you’re beating yourself up over nothing

I hear you on struggling more with 2, it’s very difficult to split yourself but I’m sure you’re a lovely mum and you’re doing your best. They’re both in bed right now safe, warm and fed (hopefully sleeping too!)

It sounds really bloody hard. And it’s ok to mess up and lose patience, but where you feel you crossed a line you weren’t happy with to “repair” and apologise explaining why - that’s the most important bit. I think the neurodivergence is also very relevant here as some ND kids will act out far more to siblings when not having 1.1 adult attention or if they sense they are not in control, do not have what the other does etc (PDA). This can be so hard to manage in the moment, esp when solo parenting, and it feels unfair on younger sibling where you feel you’re walking on eggshells to keep the other child regulated and trying to diffuse stuff. Normal telling off or punishments doesn’t work for these kids and they can’t really help it when they’re in fight or flight mode, it’s so hard to manage. You can only do your best but it must be so challenging on your own much of the time. Sending loads of strength and I can relate to all of what you are describing (inc the guilt after losing patience!).

Another who cannot see what you are feeling bad about.

You say I raised my voice a little. So ?

You are being ridiculously hard on yourself.
It is hard parenting a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old.
More so when you are doing most of it solo.
More so when there is enough evidence of neurodivergence your eldest is being assessed.

Give yourself a break.

Thanks all. Now come to look at it the period he started acting out was tea time stretch so
2year old was extra clingy as shes mainly skipping naps so around tea time is tired and wants me
I was making dinner so let him watch his favourite show so I could finish off dinner , he's very fussy eating so I make 2 different dinners

So unsure if this stretch just triggered it in him as he could see me picking her up comforting her as she kept just getting a bit moody?

I just feel bad overall worry I'm this anxious mum and boring I feel like it's always can play but need to then do a job like get us all ready or do the dishes so we have dishes or make a meal etc

I save my deep cleaning for my 3 wfh days lol but I feel like there's always jobs or minintasks I need to do

Sorry for rambling just really struggling and I thought 2 years on I'd be more confident

Also don't forget that he's going to be tired and hungry if it's the end of the day and you're trying to make tea. Noone is at their best then. Will he snack on apple slices or something else that takes a bit of time to eat while you prep main dinner? Just to take the edge off