Regret my third child and can't see the light

[Whatwasithinking1]

I feel like an absolute monster and it upsets me so much to be writing this, but I deeply regret dc3 who is now 11 months. Of course I love her, and I know I am incredibly lucky to have a healthy baby (3 healthy children). I feel so stupid for putting myself in this situation and am berating myself every day. Obviously there is nothing that can be done now, so I'm trying to remind myself of the reasons for wanting a third. I wonder if anyone can relate/any stories of hope that it got better? Please no comments about what did I expect, I'm feeling bad enough. I don't think I have pnd, I just think it's the situation. Major sleep deprivation not helping. Dc3 is also very full on, so much for the third just slotting in!

A bit of background- I absolutely loved parenting dc1&2 who are 2 years apart. Obviously there were hard times but I never struggled mentally and I suppose a big reason for wanting a third so much was because they bring me so much joy. I wanted a third from when dc2 was 2 but knew it wasn't really logical so tried to ignore the urge. The longing never went away which meant I agonised over the decision for over 4 years! Dh and I spoke about it at length and in the end decided that we had the capacity for another and liked the idea of a slightly bigger family. I knew it was going to be hard, especially going back to the baby years after such a long gap (dc were 9 and 7 when dc3 came along) but I thought I'd regret not going for it. My main concern when deciding was the impact on dc1&2 but actually they absolutely adore dc3 and I do feel that she has enriched their lives massively. I didn't anticipate struggling so much myself. I think when people talk about having a third/big age gap it's mainly focused on the children and sibling relationships but not so much how the parents feel. I knew the baby years go so quickly so didn't think I would mind putting my life on hold a bit, I appreciated my freedom once dc1&2 were at school but actually loved the school holidays and never felt desperate for more freedom. I now miss my old life so much. I am desperate for time for myself but also with the older ones without the stress of a little one. A very wet half term hasn't helped. It's not helpful but everyday I find myself thinking if only I didn't have dc3 we would be doing x, y and z. I have reached out the the GP and have an appointment tomorrow but I wonder whether anyone can relate.

I feel like I've gone from loving motherhood and being a good mum, to just surviving. The children are happy, so loved and well cared for but I am totally overwhelmed. I definitely should have quit while I was ahead - the problem is you don't really know what you can handle until you can't! I know some who knew one child was their limit, plenty who found 2 was the limit and others who can handle 3 or 4! I really didn't feel overwhelmed with 2, I just loved it, so I never thought I'd feel this way.

Oh this sounds so hard. I have 2, a nearly 4yo and a 14mo. I honestly am shocked at how different I am finding it to parent number 2. DS1 was not quite 2 when I fell pregnant, he still seemed like such a baby. At nearly 4 he now seems lightyears ahead of DS2, and I can only imagine that your gap feels astronomically bigger. The juggle between the two of them has been the hardest thing for me, so again, I completely understand how your juggle seems even harder.

I think though, once baby becomes more independent, those feelings will subside. Yes, there will be days where you're struggling to keep everyone happy, but there will also be times when they are all having the best laugh together in the back of the car. I am the middle of 3, and my brother and I were 10 and 7 when our younger brother came along. I think it was very hard for my parents to find day trips that suited us all, and once my older brother hit his mid-teens he was doing less and less with us generally. But now, despite the 10 year age gap, as adults my brothers are best pals.

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now, and saying 'it will be better in the future' doesn't really fix that. Do you get a chance to leave baby with someone else sometimes? And have some older fun with your other 2?

I’m in a similar situation going from 1 to 2 and feel a lot of what you are saying. We know they grow quickly and each phase has highs and lows but the baby years can be absolutely brutal. Just this week I have been prescribed anti depressants, I don’t necessarily feel depressed or have PND but I’m certainly not enjoying life right now. I hope your GP appointment goes well and you’re met with some understanding

do you go to any baby groups at all? I definitely think it helps to be around others that are in the trenches

Bless you OP, I certainly don't think you're a monster. You're exhausted and overwhelmed, but you won't feel like this forever.

1. Your DD will get older and you'll sleep better. Maybe next week, maybe next month, maybe not for a year or more. But you WILL sleep eventually, and that alone will make a big difference.

2. Your DD is only 11 months old, and typically that is not an age when the return on investment is particularly obvious :) As she grows, there will be more and more moments with her that you will not want to have missed out on.

3. Right now you are able to recall clearly what it felt like to have two children, and you are acutely aware that adding a third child has made life harder and messier. That's just a fact. The decision you made to have another DC still feels quite fresh, and you are questioning yourself. But as the years pass, you will stop focusing on this as a choice that you made, and it will simply become the family that you are.

actually they absolutely adore dc3 and I do feel that she has enriched their lives massively.

Don't let go of that. When things are feeling tough, remember that you have given your older DC the gift of a whole new relationship that they can cherish for the rest of their lives.

Chin up, and look forward to the time when the fact you ever felt like this feels unfathomable. I've been there. You'll get through it!

I think this might be more of an age gap thing rather than a third child thing?

I feel the same (not always) about my second DD - and we only had a 5 year gap rather than a 7. Going from independent (mostly) kids back into baby stages is hard! And looking back on how easy it would be had the baby not come along perfectly natural.

I grieve my grown up time with eldest DD sometimes and how easy everything had become and what gets me through is remembering the little stages of ease I went through with eldest DD, I'm both wishing the time away and trying to hold on to littlest's baby years!

Cling to the reasons you had baby, they're still valid.

I also get sick of the "third baby just slots in" nonsense. They don't know that they are a third baby! They are themselves.

I had a 5 and 3 year old when DD was born and found the first year very hard, but it started to improve after that.

I had much smaller age gaps (19 months between DS1 and DD and 28 months between DD and DS2) so the early years were chaos but now that they are all teenagers I love having the 3 of them. If one of them is off doing whatever there is still 2 left to hang out with each other. Heading into the uni years now so not loving the prospect of quite a few years of student support payments!!

I am at the other end of the spectrum, and my older 2 are (mostly) out of the house, and I get quite a bit of time with my youngest, who is an older teenager and it has been delightful! There are 6 years between my middle and my youngest. I am not totally there yet, but I think having the bigger age gap is going to mean the ‘letting go’ bit will be a bit softer than if I had just had my older two, and they both left the house within a year or so of each other.

It has been full on, but life feels full, in a good way. I think things will ease for you when they get a bit older.

I have three and have also had moments during half-term of "if we didn't have the toddler we could...." But it's gotten easier with every month from when my third turned 2. 11 months is HARD!! Give it time. If you were a good, happy mum to two, you'll be a good, happy mum to three. Just, not a mum who's enjoying looking after a toddler, yet again, when you have two others to do fun stuff with as well. Which is normal! It'll pass and you won't regret your third for ever.

I was in a similar situation. It got easier when I went back to work and youngest started nursery. He was in nursery all year round so I could take leave and spend it doing activities with the older ones during half term or just some time to myself during term time. I absolutely loved it first time round too, just under 2 years between the older ones and the preschool years with them were the best years of my life but it's been a lot tougher this time round.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, I'm in tears reading all of these responses and they have reassured me so much! I think 3 children often gets a bad response on MN and it is so lovely to just have support and thoughtful replies.

I agree that is is probably the age gap that is making this very hard. I had ruled out having no 3 when mine were 4 and 6 as I thought it was too big, but then I had a nephew when they were 5 and 7 and the relationship between the 3 was so lovely I thought that wouldn't have been such a big gap after all, and as the longing never went away I figured I should just go for it rather than regret them being older and thinking actually 7 years isn't so big in the grand scheme of things - but now it feels absolutely huge! Particularly to think I will have a relatively young child for 20 years! @dabdab it's really nice to hear things from the other end of the spectrum, that's lovely. I have a friend with the same age gap and now that her 2 oldest are teens and doing their own thing I know she loves having a 6 year old around - but she started young so will still have her 40s for a lot of freedom.

Dc3 is starting nursery in the summer and I'm already planning all the nice day trips I can do with the others. I think I need to leave baby with DH more to do things with the other 2, as I'm breastfeeding I am generally the default parent but can't fault Dh and he would happily take baby for as long as I need. DC1&2 are quite different characters and have their own activities going on so we are in the habit of divide and conquer which means typically I will have e.g.dc1 plus baby, and he will take dc2. I am also looking forward to going back to work, although it's later than planned due to lack of nursery spaces!

I think we may need to do some sleep training. I'm still up every 2 hours. It's not just the exhaustion that's hard, it's the fact I have no wind down time or time with dh as by the time dc1 goes to bed it's 9.30 and then I need to get ready and go to bed - I really miss having an evening! I do feel quite imprisoned. Dc2 was also a terrible sleeper but down by 7 and so was the Toddler so at least I could have an hour or 2, again this is tricky with the age gap as I obviously can't expect my 10year old to be in bed the same time as the baby!

@reabies and @Iamsotiredandfedup it is a massive shock going from 1 to 2, I found that much harder than 0 to 1! It does definitely get easier and the good thing about 2 is you can divide and conquer more easily. Sorry to hear you have also struggled and I hope things get easier for you both. I am also considering antidepressants @Iamsotiredandfedup and wondering if I just need something to help through this difficult phase and quieten the overthinking. I also think hormones are having an effect as I feel worse first week of my cycle.

@pastaandpesto your words have really resonated with me, thank you.

No advice but sending hugs. I really wanted three but knew I was at capacity however I often wish I’d just given it a go. You did, and things will get better! You don’t have long til she goes to nursery which will give you a bit more space and time for your eldest two. Could you push the start date forwards a bit?

No evenings is a killer! It just makes life feel relentless, especially when you’re having broken sleep on top of that. I haven’t tried to tackle nights yet but I did get a good evening routine from ChatGPT, it might be worth having a look on there for some sleep training ideas

dc3 starting nursery will be a game changer, it’s good that you have that to look forward to (no offence dc3 😂)

as you said in your OP we’ve had a lot of rain lately and we’re at that “I’m fed up now” stage of winter. Hopefully as the weather gets nicer and you know nursery is on the horizon things will feel a bit lighter for you

If this helps, I now have 3 adult DC and have a large between the first and third. Now they are all adults if seems like there’s no gaps, it wonderful seeing them all together and watching their relationship with each other. It’s a great comfort to me that they will have each other after I am gone.

Is it possible to book some childcare or your DH to take some annual leave during the next school holiday so you can do some activities with your older DC? Same with the weekends too?

It really is, mine are 15 and 8 months so once the baby is down my eldest wants to chat about love island and who she’s been snogging, I’m just there trying to muster up an ounce of enthusiasm bless her

for me the meds are definitely worth a go, exactly as you say I just need a bit of a lift whilst in this phase. I’m also breastfeeding and that definitely makes our hormones a bit mad! God being a mum is bloody hard isn’t it! Worth it of course but so tough at times

Wow I can't imagine juggling a teenager and a baby, I'm quite apprehensive about the teen years especially now that I'll have a preschooler in the mix. I suppose the positive to such a big gap is that your teen will be doing their own thing more and more and then hopefully it's easier for you to get a break while little one is sleeping etc. Do you have a partner to help? Do you think the meds are helping? Right now I am just dreaming of going for a walk by myself, I don't need a weekend away I just want a couple of hours to myself! Although you never really switch off when you know baby is waiting.

The teenage years are mental but you quickly adapt in the same way you do to any other phase. I mean the whiplash is a lot! They obviously have very different needs but I’m doing my best. And yes, it’s nice that she’s obviously not needing sandwiches and grapes cut up while I’m looking after baby, she’s generally a very chilled kid (thank god because this baby isn’t 😂)

I have a partner (not my eldest’s dad) and he’s bloody amazing with both of them. Unfortunately he works mad hours so life is just quite intense right now. I’ve only just started with the meds so can’t really comment yet, hopefully they just lift the cloud a little bit

thats the dream isn’t it? A couple of hours just to switch off but like you say it’s almost impossible with a baby, especially when you’re breastfeeding. Do you get any time to yourself atm? Even just popping out for a coffee or getting some fresh air

That's good your oldest is chilled! It sounds like you are doing a great job juggling it all, especially when you're on your own a lot of the time. Yes I have started to take more time out for myself by going to the gym for an hour 2-3 times a week, which I'm really enjoying. The weather has really lifted my mood the past few days too. I have also found the responses on this thread really helpful and have been trying to reframe my thoughts and also give myself a bit of grace - babies are hard work and I haven't slept for more than 3hrs at a time in 11 months so it makes sense that I'm not enjoying it now and have been questioning everything, but I know that things will get easier and in the long run this is what I want my family to look like, just trying to think about the bigger picture, which is definitely helping!

I found having a small child was very helpful when parenting teens, they were able to see the parallels between their dramas (and self focus) and a little ones temper tantrums and it helped put things in perspective for them. Also the unconditional love of a little sibling helped them through some of their lows.

Can i recommend that you lean in hard to sleep training. Lack of sleep makes everything worse and chronic lack of sleep can actively drive depression

I have three - 12, 5 and nearly 2. It’s hard work! 5yo and 2yo just wind each other up endlessly at the moment and both need us equally but differently. 12yo just has to slot in sometimes which I don’t feel good about.

I love all three of my kids more than anything. They are my absolute joy but my god, they take all of my patience as well. The youngest is waking up every day between 3 and 5am and it’s killing DH and I. Often, I think my life would be easier with just two or even just one! Life would be so simple if we didn’t have any at all but I know we wouldn’t be happy.

i Was in a very similar position a few months ago. 3 children (6,4 and 11 months). I thought I’d done the oldest two a disservice because we couldn’t do the same things as before/ it took longer/ wasn’t the same. Missed my ‘free’ time and time alone with my husband. I was a crying, miserable wreck for about 6 months.

My DH had the baby for a whole day ( couldn’t do overnight as she’s still feeding from me) and I went out for the day and just did my own thing. Felt much better for it and it kind of started a chain effect. I started to take a different attitude with the baby. Older kids want to go to the cinema? Why not! Made sure it was a ‘child friendly’ showing and off we went. Day trip to the city? Why not. With the right prep I found there is very little you can’t do and I’m so much happier! I’ve just come back from a weekend In Paris with the 3 children (alone). Yes slightly stressy at moments but we did it, we loved it and everyone had so much fun. I think I put so much emphasis on not being able to do things because of the baby I just didn’t think about how we could do it.

i hope you feel better soon xx

Breastfeeding and baby not sleeping for 11 months is really tough. That on its own, without anything else at all, is enough to seriously get you down. Then you have the shit weather for months, missing your older DC, missing your job,.... it's a lot. It will pass. You'll get back to having a lovely family life