How to get 6 year old to stop coming in bed

[nowayho]

My 6 year old likes to come into the bed with us nearly every night. The bed isn’t big enough for 3 of us, so I would sleep in a different bedroom when she came in, in the middle of the night.

I’m now in a different bedroom because we have a 3 month old baby. I’m planning on going back to my normal bed with my partner & having the baby in the Next to me crib.

My 6 year old is v, v sensitive and would be really upset to be told she couldn’t come into the bed. She gets quite anxious in the night and is ‘scared of her own shadow’.

How am I meant to move back into my bed?! I can’t sleep with her next to me. I can’t think of a good solution?

She’s currently sharing with her older Sister so I thought she might be ok, but it hasn’t made any difference.

Would there be room for a little mattress/chair bed type thing on your floor?? Might be tight with next to me though…
That was our halfway solution with DD when she was at that age and stage- she could come in and get into the floor bed which was set up. Over time she came less and stayed in her own bed more!

Surely you just need to start sending her back to her own bed with a bit of comforting? She's too old to be doing that.

Oh that’s a good idea!! I didn’t think of that. Wonder if I can get a small mattress that I can put away in the day or something. Thank you!

Aww I know it sounds that simple, but she’s just so sensitive. She would cry her eyes out all night & be genuinely upset. As much as I don’t want her in my
bed, I can’t do it to her

I think this the problem you create by having kids in bed with parents in the night. I always took my DC back to their own bed and either I or dh stayed with them until they went back to sleep in an armchair but no talking and light off but nightlite plug in on. Once DC asleep we'd just go back to bed. Once dc realized they couldn't stay in our bed through the night it soon fizzled out. They were allowed in for a cuddle in the morning once it became light. Could you ask DH to take her back to her own bed and he sit with her until she falls back to sleep whilst you with baby in next to me cot.

Then nothing will change. You have a few rough nights and then they get used to it. If hou're unwilling to put the work in then you won't get any results.

I had one that did this. It started when he had night terrors every single night, then gradually became just occasional His last visit was age 10 and I missed it afterwards. He's 27 now.
Best thing we did was to make sure the DC had double beds so everyone could get a comfortable sleep at night even if they were in the wrong bed.
DH mostly slept in spare room when DS2 was born as there's no sense both parents being woken by the baby. He then dealt with DS1 if he got up.

I’m inclined to agree with @caringcarer
No matter how tired or exhausted we were, one of us would always take the child back to their own bed. We saw so many of our friends having sleep issues because they didn’t dare upset their kids. They have a perfectly nice room, and at 6 I think she’s old enough to understand your room is just for mummy and daddy. Perhaps try some kind of bribery for a little while, ie if you sleep in your own bed this week at the weekend you can choose a treat etc.

I think this is trickier when you have a baby in the room with you. It's pretty tough for a 6yo to be told the baby can be in there but they are not allowed; obviously we know why it's different but to her it's going to be more upsetting than when the baby is also in their own room. I would try and muddle through with a mattress on the floor or something until the baby is ready to go into their own room too then try and impose some boundaries.

When I had my second child I slept with the newborn in a separate room for several months and my then 4 year old slept with his father in our bed. I thought he would feel pushed out if it was me, my partner and baby and him in his own room.

He's now 6 and back in his own bed and still does occasionally come into our room and ask to sleep with us. I redirect him back to his room which sometimes works and sometimes doesnt--- if he has had bad dreams or is feeling sick or something like that he usually stays in. He also sleeps in a double room in his bed so sometimes I can direct him to his bed and sleep next to him.

I know it's really tough when your sleep is interrupted but I also think they are too small for a total ban on sleeping in our bed-- sometimes they just need comfort. I remember waking up scared after nightmares when I was around that age, and crawling into my parents bed, I don't think they ever sent me back to my room. It will pass and probably sooner than you think. Good luck, I hope you find a system that works for you xx

Good idea! Yes, one of us could definitely take her back in until she falls asleep. I guess that would work pretty quickly.

I did think this too. A bit of a kick in the teeth for the 6 year old if I’m not allowing her to stay in the bedroom, but allowing the baby to.

My initial plan was to stay in the other room with the baby until she’s 6 months old. I could perhaps continue that and partner can work on getting Daughter to sleep in her own room.

Can you get a bigger bed if that’s the issue? Or can dp go and let dd in with you and the baby?
I know lots of MN is no nonsense send them back to bed, but I think I’d rather them not be scared in the night and know I’m there to comfort them if they need or want it. Pps suggestion for a mattress on the floor was a good one too. Or if baby is happy about being on their own in their own crib I’d just keep the arrangements as they are for now if they’re working. Then let baby move into their own room at 6m. Then there will be more room for the little mattress in your room when there’s no next to me in there.

Get a bigger bed.
Get her a small mattress on floor.
You cannot tell her no but have baby with you. She may be feeling put out by new sibling anyway
Give support.
Relax about it.
she wont be there when she is 16.

Unfortunately our bed is brand new, so we can’t get a bigger one. It’s a King size but I just can’t sleep with 2 other people in it!

I’ve just looked on Amazon and found a fold up mattress with really good reviews. I’m going to do that.

I’ll stay in my current room until the baby is 6 months and then move back into my old room + a floor mattress

You’ll get such polar opposite responses to this kind of thread because we all view this differently. My 11 ywar old came in overnight until she was about 8. I tried a few things (gro clock, taking her back and lying with her until she fell asleep) but ultimately she just grew out of it. Looking back I think decorating her bedroom helped, letting her pick everything and making it a lovely place. In fact this weekend my husband was away and I offered her to sleep in with me and she refused - likes her own bed more now. There were years I couldn’t imagine ever getting a solid nights sleep again!

There were years I couldn’t imagine ever getting a solid nights sleep again!
This is why I allowed them in my bed. It did away with all the interruptions, we all got sleep.
I know MN in general is against it but I regret to this day the attempts at making DC1 stay in his own bed.

Have your partner settle her back to bed every night or put a single mattress on the floor in her room and he can sleep in there with her.

You can't tell her no?

"The baby is in our room because they're a baby. You're not sleeping in our room because you're not."

Obviously phrase this in a way appropriate for a 6 year old but aged 6 they are absolutely old enough to understand this as a concept. They are not a toddler.