Five year old behaviour help

[pteromum]

Looking for some advice re DC4.

I have twins, age 8, daughter age 7 and daughter age 5.

the 5 year old has always been high needs. Huge emotions, huge tantrums, very clingy.

she started school last year age 4.5. She is the youngest in her year.

she is a sweet, gentle, caring girl. However, she is almost volcanic. She can erupt at any point, multiple times a day. Mood swings, screaming, moaning, crying, whinging, screaming, moaning. None of it lasts more than a few minutes. But everyone is tired of it.

her teacher has raised concerns about her shouting at her peers. Her siblings are fed up. I am on my knees with it. Yet another morning ruined at the park. Nobody wants to play with her. Every outing is ruined.

we mad a plan in advance, she chose the park, yet within minutes she starts. Roaring and screaming.

it’s not always in public, it can be over a plate or a bowl.

she is very dramatic, creative. Does gymnastics and theatre.

I have spoken to friends, they talk of tantrums, maybe one a day lasting longer. She doesn’t do that she just screams all day long.

I’ve tried behaviour charts, removing her, talking to her, ignoring her, time out, one on one time (standard anyway).

does anyone have any advice please 🙏

This sounds tricky. You are obviously an experienced Mum. Sounds like you have tried lots of strategies. Have you stuck with one approach rather than switching? Planned ignoring is a good one so that you are not inadvertently rewarding any negative behaviour. Positive praise is also good.

Interesting that school are reporting some difficulties. Has her behaviour at home become more difficult since starting school? How do they manage any outbursts?

She might be trying to assert herself within the family and struggling with choice making? Could be anxiety based.
When you say it can be over a plate or bowl, does she want a certain one or a particular colour? Try giving her a choice or sticking with a favourite.

If it continues ( she’s still quite young) you could look at PDA strategies just to see if they help. This would reduce demands and hopefully reduce some anxiety.

@24Dogcuddler (great name) thank you.

I’ve listed a few things we have tried but I do tend to stick for a couple of months. This is not new behaviour. School hasn’t changed or made it worse, she just continues to be her screamy self. For example my friends child, is a riot at home, but impeccable in school, mine is not. She just sits at that level at all times. No hiding it.

I have written days out, looked for triggers, looked at diet, you name it. There is nothing I can identify other than her personality. As I said the most considerate, sweet wee thing, she is tiny, but then just this DIVA personality.

slamming doors, roaring at her siblings. None of them do that. It’s not learned behaviour. We have a fairly chilled life. I work round them. We farm.

I worry for her as despite having a couple of good friends I know they are tired of her. I find myself limiting where we can go because of it.

Things like parties are the worst by far. Although she can be as bad on a one on one play date.

school haven’t suggested anything, they just call me, age five. Say she’s in trouble for screaming at her friend or ignoring her friend. Depends on the day.

That’s not helpful from school at all. When you say call, do they expect you to pick her up? You must dread their phone calls.
Have you had a chat with the SENCO at all? If they are phoning you they should have some sort of behaviour plan or strategies in place.
When she’s calm can she tell you what makes her happy/ sad/ worried. She might not know of course.
She does sound like a little character who might just need some help with emotional regulation. Look at 5 point scale resources you can often find character themed versions on line. If she can start to realise when she’s getting to shouting/ screaming pitch and learn to calm/ self soothe/ walk away.

I do dread it. It’s awful.

the only thing I have identified is on a day she does well. Which is very very rare, so like winning a prize, I get called because she is kicking off.

other days it can be for no reason at all. As I say, she recovers so quickly, boom it’s fine.

she can literally be hysterical then be like oh a pretty flower. And stop.

I will look at five point scale. We are Scotland so don’t have a senco. My twins are autistic so have additional needs support.

I have suggested this but in fairness, she is not meeting anything other than possibly would have benefited from an extra year at nursery. They disagree, more than ready for school. Bright, switched on. Excels at reading and maths for her age. just absolutely no boundaries with friendships or relationships at all.

reasons, yes she gives them, it can be anything from they annoyed me to they took my pen to they looked at my sister funny at break.

Very big on saying I don’t want to talk about this, I need my quiet time (ha). No idea where that comes from. We don’t say that in a big family.

She sounds autistic too. The school don’t have anyone to discuss SEN related queries with? Could you with your doctor instead if not?

Have you looked at doing a sensory checklist? If she’s particularly hyper or hypo sensitive to stimuli it may come out as anger/frustration/defiance. Equally it may reveal certain things that help her feel more calm and regulated. An Occupational Therapist would be able to conduct a full assessment (usually pricey as rare to get NHS referrals these days) but often on their websites they have checklists which help as a starting point.

Just catching up. Yes, I suspect all four are. However, the younger two are unlikely to get any help at moment. Such as the system is. I am aware and working away in background and with local support but day to day it’s so hard.

we have had a couple of calmer days,

lots of discussion around behaviour

lots of reward and positive energy and praise, her siblings have massively got on board with this.

this will be frowned upon here, but we have also had some success with silly punishments, (be sent to granny’s for tea). They LOVE my MIL as do I but her food is not for the faint hearted. Last years marrow stuffed with oats and liver anyone? I know I can’t enforce that but the mention of it as a punishment seems to be encouraging the positive behaviour.

I do also think there are wider issues at play, tiny class, very intelligent and advanced peers, she is very much the underdog and screams to be heard. So I have spoken to her teacher about that and showed her some examples. Eg, she won one award, and nobody clapped. First one in nine months. both cross because they did not win. It may be she would benefit from a larger peer group.

Yes, I have. Nothing obvious at this stage.