How to get toddler to listen?

[ShutterHaze]

Just that really. I have a wonderful (just turned) 3 year old who is lots of fun but my god they don’t listen - usual stuff like getting dressed, putting something away, washing hands, sitting properly etc. I find it frustrating - particularly if trying to get out of the house and everything is taking forever. Any quick tips? I’ve heard How to Talk so Kids will Listen recommended a lot so will read that too.

You can’t really, the understanding isn’t there.

The book (how to talk so little kids will listen) is really helpful at understanding how their little minds work. I would also recommend Janet Lansbury's books, her podcast Unruffled is good too.

I mean at 3 I think maybe you need to readjust your expectations.

I have a 5 and 7 year old and listening still isn't a mastered skill!

Short commands, get down to eye level and place hand on shoulder whilst giving simple command/choice. Make sure there are no screens to distract. Offer 2 choices (both of which are the outcome you desire i.e blue shoes or red shoes) If they cant make a choice/do the command then you make the choice / carry them / hold them in a head lock whilst brushing their teeth 😅
Making it a game helps too, or distracting with a story whilst you do something, like if you want them to put their shoes on, saying things like 'how cool would it be if these were magic shoes, maybe they could make us jump really high!' Stuff like that.

These posts are all really helpful - thank you. It doesn’t sound like I’m necessarily missing a trick! @Joeydoesntsharefood25 I’ll definitely try some of these out!

Make it a game.

Ds and I will 'race' a lot. Or if he's not listening I'll start to whisper and we'll see how quiet we can be while getting ready. Or his teddies will try to put his clothes on and make a mess of it etc. Or I'll put his clothes on and do it all wrong like trousers on my head or forget what pants are etc. It feels like a PITA sometimes but it's actually much faster than arguing. I also find that I need to check myself as to whether or not we're actually in a rush or not because often i find myself getting frustrated when in reality I'm putting that pressure on myself and we don't need to be anywhere urgently. Some nights if i know we're going to be under pressure to get out in the morning, I'll also build him a surprise with his magnatiles so in the morning he'll get ready really fast because he's excited to see what I built downstairs.

When all else fails and its urgent we do a book related consequence. So every day he starts the day with 2 books at bedtime, if he's really not listening and games haven't worked, I'll count to 5 and if he's not done what he's asked by 5 then one book gets removed, then the other if he's still not listening. However he also has the chance to earn a book back or earn an extra book if he's extra good at listening/helping or does a really good job at something and for us that's actually worked really well. The only downside is that on tough days he might get no book at bedtime but that's only happened maybe twice at the beginning and then he knew I meant business with it. And as its part of bedtime routine I just lay beside him in the dark and verbally told a story so he still had that help to wind down for sleep and to not make it completely negative.

Oh also I realised I needed to stop phrasing certain things as questions ie: can we brush your teeth now? Or will we get your shoes on now? When it's actually not optional and what I should have been saying is "OK its time to do x now, do you want to do it yourself or do you want my help". Certain things like screens etc I give a 5 minute warning and then ask him to turn it off himself and he's actually got really good at that but I do notice that the more screen time he has the more this is a struggle for him. Lots of time outside helps a lot too overall I find behaviour wise, he's much more regulated.

I have a 3 and 4 year old that get really silly together and stop listening to me. I get them to stop and check their 'listening ears' are turned on (beep their earlobes!) and then tell them whoever can do the best listening is the winner and gets XYZ (insert story/tv show/snack here). Works fairly well most of the time!

This.
And making sure to use short directions and with nothing being optional.

It's time to get dressed. Socks first or pants first?

It's time to go out. Shoes first or coat first?

Or...
"I bet you can't....[do the thing you want them to do] by yourself/before me!"

"Last one in bed is a smelly sausage!"

A 3 year old absolutely understands basic instructions, concepts of time, place, activity etc.

Their emotional regulation is still poor so they may not WANT to listen or act on your instructions, and have tantrums, but this is different from say, a baby not following your instructions, because they genuinely do not understand.

If a 3 year old literally doesn't understand instructions that's a much bigger problem than defiance.

Dunno but if you do please tell the rest of us

I have an ask twice follow through on the 3rd time rule.

First time is the fun, ohhh let mummy see how fast you can put your socks on, I bet you can do it quicker than me. I try and find my most fun creative way to do this and usually ends up fun for all involved.

Second is, if you dont out your socks on, mummy will do it for you.

Third time I follow through and put the socks on myself regardless of tantrum and protest. I stay neutral, no conversation and if they take the socks off they go back on again and again till they stay on.

It sounds drastic but I have only ever gotten to the third follow through a hand ful of times. It does not take long for them to realise that you mean what you say.

That being said I will only ever do this for a hill im willing to die on and have a tantrum over. The more you dont follow through with demands like this the weaker they become. For the most part i really try to be a yes man so the 'no's' and asks mean more. Toddlers like to do there own thing in there own time so I really try to allow for that where I can.

This is all really helpful - thank you everyone! I definitely need to make things more fun/more of a game. Lots of great ideas here to try - thanks!

A sand timer could be good for getting dressed? Washing hands still needs to be supervised so I make it as fun as possible with foamy handwash and making silly noises as I rub my hands together - building site noises like a saw for backwards and forwards rubbing, and squeaky wrench noises for doing the thumbs, that sort of thing. When are they not sitting properly? While eating? I would personally be strict about that (I had a little one choke from falling off her chair) and take the food away if they start messing around. But also make sure they've had plenty of activity in the run up to the meal. A lot of people have their toddler sit in front of the TV while they're prepping dinner and then don't understand why they're not sitting nicely for it. Little children just aren't designed to sit still for long!