Being a mum is so much harder than I thought it would be

[Mayandwest]

Just as the title says, really. My baby is 10 months now and although it is easier than the newborn days and she’s super cute, I feel like every day I’m just drowning. I feel constantly sad, stressed and overwhelmed. I have headache every day either from stress or from the amount she shouts / screams / whinges on a daily basis. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. Weekends away with my family I once dreamed of, I don’t enjoy because I constantly feel stressed and anxious about schedules, timings, is baby ok, what if this, what if that. Same with days out or even a simple trip out. My relationship is suffering because I just feel miserable all the time and I’m snapping at my partner. I feel so sad that all my life I dreamt of being a mum and now that I am one, I wish I could just go back in time and undo it. It makes me want to cry typing that out.

I know comparison is the thief of joy, but I feel like all I see are mums / families who are happy and having a great time, enjoy spending time with their kids and that’s just so far away from where I am and it makes me feel like shit.

I am receiving support from the perinatal mental health team, am taking antidepressants and having talking therapies. But I just can’t shake this feeling of sadness and that it makes me a terrible mum to my beautiful daughter. She doesn’t deserve any of this.

You poor thing, that sounds so tough. Well done for asking for help.

How long have you been on the antidepressants and therapy?

Are you getting enough sleep, and time for you - could family or dh help with that?

You are NOT a terrible mum, in any way. You are amazing!! Please don't be so hard on yourself!
Being a mum is bloody tough.

Do you have support and time to yourself to decompress?

You said you a scared of days out, but could you start small-ish and then build up? I’m suggesting this because personally I’m going mad with my baby at home, he gets bored quickly and then is just whingy. If I’m out with him, it’s much better. Start with an afternoon somewhere near by so that you can go home if you feel you need to. I also preferred to be out on my own initially, so that I can time the day as I like and feel no pressure.,,,if I need to stop to feed and it takes a long time, so be it. If I’m not confident to get on a packed bus with the pram, I either walk or take the next one, even if it takes a while.
Also try to get some help if available and take time for yourself…yoga class, walk and coffee, meeting friends, whatever it is you enjoy doing!

The quickest way to feel better about this kind of thing is to adjust your expectations - parent the child you have rather than the one you want to have. I never understood how the others weren't more stressed, but on reflection I think they were too exhausted. Loop earplugs may help with the sensory overload. What makes your baby make so much sound? Or are they normal noises that make you tense up because you know what's coming?

You aren't a terrible mum, you're doing something about the problem. Your daughter is young and yea it is very hard but please remember, even on your worst day you are a hero to your daughter. I am sorry your finding yourself here but your daughter has been blessed with a mum who is present, dealing with her issues, is seeking help and wants to feel better. I know you don't feel it now, but you've got this and I hope these feelings pass quickly for you because you deserve to enjoy parenting ❤️

I felt exactly the same and I’ll be completely honest, only since my DC turned 2.5/3 have I felt completely “back to normal”. I actually look forward to things again! It is bloody hard and it really does a number on your physical and mental real health and it’s not something to be underestimated.
i really didn’t like the baby stage at all, also the early toddler stage, but now it’s lovely and she’s like a proper person with interests etc. do whatever you can to find moments of joy - a nice dinner to look forward to, planning something to look forward to during nap time? It’s still early on. Be kind to yourself, it won’t be like this forever.

You sound like you are doing really well, I promise things will get better!
Do you go to any baby/mum classes? I found these really supportive as no-one cares if the baby is crying and you can meet other mums who do feel the same as you. What did you enjoy doing pre-baby? Can you try and get out and do some of those things with her now?
In my experience most people find the first year or so really hard but a lot of people put on a front and aren't honest about how they are feeling. You are not alone.

Same here. At first (while pregnant ) I was disappointed that I was likely to be "one and done"... now I am anazed that so many people choose to do that multiple times in quick succession!

OP I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said, I just wanted to add my solidarity. In my experience parenting has got better and better with each year!

Things get easier. They suddenly start doing more by themselves x

Being a mother is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Even when everything is going smooth you have constant worry and anxiety about them.

But it absolutely does get easier.
They are soon able to tell you that they’re hungry, thirsty etc and entertain themselves more independently.

They become lots of fun because you get to play with them and experience life through a child’s eyes again.
And you get to sleep better!

You sound like you’re doing an amazing job.

Focus on getting a decent sleep and having time for yourself.
A daily walk outside by yourself (with or without headphones) can honestly help so much - you need time where you’re not constantly thinking about someone else.

Your DH is a parent too and so use him to help take the pressure off you.
Stop comparing yourself to others and lower your standards/expectations.

You will get through this I promise.
The vast majority of mothers have felt like you (even if it looks like they’ve got it all together).

My sister cried to me a few days ago saying she can’t cope and I must think she’s an awful mum because I coped so well - I said I had PND, seriously considered self harming and putting my DC up for adoption (literally contacted them) and cried most days.

I just didn’t tell anyone because I thought people would judge me for being a bad mum.

Just because someone looks like they’ve got it all together, doesn’t mean they actually have.

It meant alot to my sister to realise that she’s not the only one and I wish people were more open about it when my DC was younger.

You’re in the trenches just now. I promise you it gets better and a little easier. They start to talk some of the time instead of whinging and screaming. Although it was a hard adjustment because of lack of sleep, I started to feel more myself once I went back to work. And as someone else said now we are approaching 3, it’s miles better and I feel more like me again. It will come for you too.

Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done, honestly.

People try to prepare you and say this and that but it's no where near to how hard it actually is.

Not everyone is into baby/toddler classes but they honestly kept me sane.
to speak with other mums feeling the same, no one batters an eye lid if the baby cries or is wingy.
i love my local toddler group also.
daily walks
parks

I also learnt from my first DC when having my second, to be more relaxed regarding timings/schedules.
i was so strict with nap times etc with my first my day evolved around them.

your doing great 💐

I went back to work when my first child was 3 months old, thank goodness. She was happy then, I was happy - all good.
Basically though little babies are kind of cute they are boring. I think she was bored too, therefore fussed, can't remember a smile, and she woke up at night constantly.
She had more to amuse her with the childminder after I had gone back to work - a couple of other toddlers running around to watch and interact with and a carer with lots of patience who was getting enough sleep! It tired her as well during the day so she slept much better at home. I had intellectual stimulation at work and more inclination to play with her before bedtime and a decent night's sleep. (Nb. DH was staying away all week working at this time).
No.2 was much easier as no. 1 kept him amused. And he was an easier person, right from birth and still is... weird that babies can be so different and show their personalities from day 1.

One of the things that really helped me while my children were young, was to stop reading into the baby advice, the sleep advice, the information on regressions, what we should or shouldn’t be doing, how much they should eat, when they should sleep.. it just made unnecessary stress for me and i constantly felt an overwhelming sense of fear of getting it wrong, or doing it differently and being judged.

after i stopped, my stress calmed down, baby was happier, i was happier, life started shaping around us as family.

theres this huge, monumental solid outline of what parenting is these days and how it should be done but the reality is it’s not one size fits all. I also realised that as much as I’d watch videos of ‘perfect parents’ and parenting vloggers, and tell myself that it’s unrealistic, just watching them was reinforcing the idea that I’m not a good enough parent, subconsciously. If they can keep a show-home style house and take baby on 3 abroad holidays a year and take them to the park for 2 hours every single afternoon.. why can’t I do that? - it took a long time to reset my mind.

I also had postnatal help and was in talking therapies, it did help but most of the change came from me and my ability to say enough is enough to comparison of others.

I’ve been on the antidepressants since she was born but I’ve only just started with therapy as there was a waiting list. I’m probably not getting enough sleep - enough to function (ish) but it just seems to be constant teething or sleep regressions. We tend to take it in turns getting up with her in the night and co sleep where we need to, but I find it hard in the day too as she will only contact nap so I don’t get time for myself while she’s napping

A lot of mums will feel the same way, I did. It gets much better as they get older, less logistics and stress. I didn't enjoy mine when they were little, I was worried about temps/eating/developmet/sleep. It's overwhelming.