Independent Play

[Floundering66]

Hello!
My little boy is 2 (26 months) and doesn’t play independently at all. How normal is this and when is it likely to get better?
When I say he won’t play independently, I mean he isn’t happy entertaining himself for 1 minute while I tidy away. He won’t play in front of me while I sit on the sofa and still interact - if I’m not on the floor actively participating in play he will get upset. Sometimes he is happy to come along with me while I do jobs and “help” but this week we had a huge tantrum because I needed to brush my teeth.

I’m six months pregnant, playing from 6am - 8pm with very little down time. We limit TV, maybe around 20 mins a couple of times a week. He won’t watch TV on his own, I have to sit with him and we talk about the program. Even if I’m in the same room he will stop watching if I do something else. Getting very worried about how he will be with a new baby in the house!

Feel like I have tried every tip Google has thrown at me. I have friends with children of the same age that will busy themselves for 15-20 minutes here and a bit worried by little one doesn’t do this!

Yes honestly I think that’s unusual at that age, does he play with other kids ok? Is he at nursery at all?

He is at nursery three days a week - I’ve not really spoken with them about it but will when he’s next in. He doesn’t really play with other children - will
play with other adults. I have one friend with a little girl a year older and he is happy to play a bit with her!

I would say very, very normal. Gradually, you’ll find that you will be able to set something up and he will play independently, as long as you are there. Then you’ll be able to move to the sofa, as long as you’re still actively engaging with him. Then he’ll be ok with you simply being in the room, even if you’re not playing. Eventually, he’ll be happy to play alone, but I wouldn’t expect that before he is 3. It will just take time.

I think it would be worth asking nursery about this, and whether they can encourage more play with other kids and more independent play. It can be slower to develop for some kids than for others so I wouldn’t worry about it, but with a baby on the way you will need him to start getting better at this!

I do think it's a bit unusual at that age to be honest. As really, their one and only job is to play. Ask nursery about it and how he interacts with other children.

Is there any toy or activity that he shows more interest in than others?

The type of toys you have can help or hinder too.

What would happen if you put toys on the floor and tried to read a book sitting in the same space?

Also, how have you encouraged and practiced independent play so far?

I think you have to be a bit brutal now so that the baby isn't the cause of you giving him less play time.

Get him used to you saying "mummy is doing X, I'll play with you in 5 minutes" or similar. Accept him being in the room you're doing the job in, but not actively involved. He might cry to start with but that's OK. In 3 months, you won't be able to play with him for anywhere near as long as you are now.

He loves toy cars, magnetic tiles and little toy animals mainly. He does a bit of role play with his toy kitchen and feeding his teddies. He can play for hours with these but I am involved or sitting on the floor next to him.

Ive tried setting up his favourite toys and novelty ones and saying “mummy is doing X” but it never really works. E.g he has a learning tower, so while I’m cooking dinner I’ve tried putting him in the next to me with play dough and he’s happy until I start chopping - then he wants to get out and take me off somewhere else.

Some things I can make a game out of - e.g when I dry my hair - he will run off, fetch a teddy, I’ll dry teddy’s hair and he will run off and get another one. But things where it’s not safe for him (e.g cooking) I can’t set him up with another activity next to me.

Do you mean I read my own book? Or a book for him?

Reading my own book - not a chance in hell
Reading to him - fine, he loves a story and has a good attention span for those!

In the tower example, I'd say "mummy has to chop now to make dinner, you can stay here with me or play in the lounge" then carry on chopping. If he cries, he cries.

I think you may have pandered to him a bit sorry!

It depends on the situation - both the ones you outlined in your OP my daughter wouldn’t leave me to it. Tidying up she’d want to be involved and sitting on a the sofa while she played has never happened!! But she will occupy herself with things independently of her own accord quite happily. I have always found independent play happened best when it was spontaneous on their part rather than enforced by me. Even now at 4 years she won’t always go off and do something when asked, but will frequently of her own accord. You might need to look for windows/opportunities more, rather than expecting him to do it to command?

I most probably have - first child and grandchild on both sides so he’s never been deprived of attention 🙈. We’ve always pandered to him a bit, especially since going back to work as obviously want the evenings/ weekends to be happy family time but also happy to be cruel to be kind if it’s what is best for him long term!

Long term you are being cruel to be kind, starting now me as he won't be as put out when baby arrives. Imagine when baby arrives and he's never got used to a couple of minutes playing alone. He's going to blame the baby for it all!

He needs to learn, he can but it's not instinctive for all kids. That means leaving him for a few minutes, ignoring if he cries, then building up. My similar age can play independently for 30 min but I think she is unusual to the other end of the range.

I think you have given him 5 star service here and many of us would not be prepared to play that much. So of course that’s what he wants because he prefers playing with you than playing alone, and he doesn’t have experience of playing alone being fun. Others are right that you will have no choice when baby is here so it’s kinder to get him used to it now. Set him up with a game, tell him mummy is doing x, and let him react if he reacts. If you are consistent he’ll soon see you mean it and there’s no point in kicking off about it. Start with small periods and make it achievable for him.

Another example would be soft play - went the other week with some mums I met on mat leave (so all two year olds) - I was the only mum physically in the soft play 😅. I was happy because it was the first time he had been happy to go up the stairs and do the slide on his own whilst I waited at the bottom which is huge progress for us. But obviously when everyone else is having a coffee I’m a bit worried that I’m doing something wrong! (Although I want to play with him in these situations, so it’s a catch 22)

You've always just played with him, or sat near him and when you try to do something simple, like clean your teeth or wash-up he cries, because you taking your attention away from him. I agree with others, you've pandered to him, and created a rod for your own back here.

You won't be able to give him your undivided attention once the baby is here, it will be impossible. Now you have to start how you mean to go on. Put him near the kitchen, whilst you're cooking, but tell him Mummy has to do X. If you need to clean your teeth etc, tell him Mummy needs to clean her teeth, and will be back. If he cries/throws a wobbler, then you ignore it and do what you need too.

Of course set time aside to play with him, but going forward that is going to be when baby is sleeping or if someone else can mind the baby. It won't be easy, expect tantrums and tears, but you need to persevere because you won't be able to carry on as you are.

Oh gosh that soft play example is a good moment of realisation for you OP. Now you have time to prepare him for a sibling by being a bit more hands off. They need to be independent so don't feel bad, you're equipping him with skills he needs.

Did he ever play alone? Like as a 1 year.old when first exploring? He probably has just got used to it and you'll have to put some boundaries in but it's so hard I know to hear them cry 😢

This was me with my first. I was a slave to his play. Whatever about not being sustainable when you're pregnant it's not sustainable with more than one. I used to set my guy tasks. So I'd set up something with him like blocks or whatever and ask him to build a house for the Chase whilst I made a cup of tea. And then I'd come back and say that's amazing let's do one for each pup. And have my tea and not really play but I'd be there. Or tidy another part of the room. Or ask him to line up the cars by colour. Or in Duplo he makes x and I'll make y. So we kind of separated our play a bit more. I had seperate table tasks, so play do, kinetic sand, colouring, that he'd only do at the table when I was busy in the kitchen. I'd also maybe try with a new toy, get him a tool set and get him underneath a table to fix a car - you can't fit under a side table with him so it's more solo. Then we'd get into games where he's coming to fix things in my house and obvs as the home owner I'm not gonna fix with him. So we separated by stealth.

It's hard to hear them cry now but I love to see and hear what she's up to when playing on her own

Maybe a visual timer would help? We had one that changes colour gradually, so I’d say “I’m going to do X until the timer is blue” and that I think helped them as toddlers to understand how long to expect.

Quite honestly some children are just like this. My 5 year old has only really started playing independently in the last year, and being happy to go round soft play by herself. In contrast my 2 year old is great at playing independently and is better at it at 2 than my 5 year old is now. It was hard when I was pregnant and then had a newborn, but the plus side is she loves playing with her brother and so now they play together and I can have a cup of tea.

I think you have to teach them to play on their own, it’s not sustainable to spend hours and hours playing with small children unless you have a cook and a cleaner!

With my dd I would set her up with toys and tell her you need to play on your own now for a bit. I did not give into tantrums. A firm go and play now was needed.

If he is playing don’t join in, leave him to it, don’t insert yourself to his game. My other tip is be bad at playing, be boring! My dd got fed up with my attempts at playing so eventually was telling me to leave her to play on her own.

Yeah I’ve never done this with my dd, you do sound a bit of a helicopter mum, if you want to increase independence you need to let go of the leash a bit.

I wouldn’t frame it as you have done anything wrong or pandered to him. He’s a 2 year old who’s enjoyed spending time with his mum and you’ve given him your undivided attention and it sounds like you’ve enjoyed it up until now. Not everyone can or wants to do that but I wouldn’t frame it as a negative.

Now things have to change as the biggest life change is about to happen to him and you need to prepare him as much as he can. Love the PP idea of a visual timer, and very slowly weaning him off play with you even if this does cause a few tears and tantrums to start. Unsure how pregnant you are / much time you have but if you’re in 1st trimester say, it may be that he will naturally be more independent with play as he gets older anyway.

You’ve mention that he’s in nursery a few days a week - with the staff ratios to toddlers I would be shocked if there’s an adult playing with him constantly there. He’s obviously happy enough and distracted when you’re not there. Is his father around? And is he the same with them? If not perhaps you could try and get him to be involved with play a bit more too and both slowly the more hands off approach of being in the room / closeby but not actively involved in the play.