Recognising monthly visitors

[Eagerlywaiting1990]

Hi There,
I have a lovely little 4 month old daughter that I conceived through ivf after 3 very difficult years of infertility.
Since shes been born weve had quite a difficult time with 10 weeks of severe colic. Thankfully she is much more settled now but has remained a sensitive little soul. What she doesnt like, she REALLY doesnt like...currently that includes cars, strangers and her next to me. Having bore up to 8 hours of constant night time screaming for up to 10 weeks, I would go as far as saying I have PTSD from her big cries and do try to avoid upsetting her wherever possible and within reason.

Anyway to the point of the post - I am from Ireland but live in Scotland. I am very close to my family and am lucky enough to have a particularly fantastic, supportive mum who has been as invested in my daughter as I have. Devastatingly despite seeing my parents 5 times and often for long stints at their house or mines, my baby still lumps them in the strangers category (since 12 weeks, now 17 weeks) and screams bloody murder if anyone in my family tries to hold her. It breaks their heart and mine cause they have so much to offer her. I guess im wondering when this will get better and if theres anything else I can do to help develop her trust in them. Unfortunately I cant afford anymore than monthly visits.
Thanks in advance x

Wanting to spend time with my family hardly makes me unwell.
Im on maternity leave, I have time on my hands I never had before. I want my baby to spend time with my family and vice versa. Id happily show my family my op

I hope you do

My granddaughter was like this despite us living in the same town and seeing her at least weekly! It's just that she had a very strong bond with her mother and she wasn't interested in anyone else. She also screamed in the car for the whole journey always.
She gradually started being happier around other people from 12 months but it took a long time.
Some babies are just like this and there is nothing you can do about it.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I think youre right. Some 4 month olds dont seem remotely bothered by strangers but mine certainly is....especially when tired. Im due back to work in July and she'll be between my husband, my inlaws and a nursery...we'll aim for lots of settling in days to ease the transition

This is normal. Sometimes family just has to be ok with views from a distance, not cuddles. Children should never be pushed for physical contact at any age.

my own dd saw one side of the grandparents pretty regularly, but she had a strange aversion to men. The grandpa’s and uncles were out of luck for a very long time. She adores them now.

Babies don't have that kind of memory and video calls won't help at this age.

Around 15-16 months, my DS became a lot more sociable. Until then, he really didn't like strangers (including my parents, who live abroad) at all. He wanted mum, dad and his nanny, end of list.

Unfortunately it is the price you pay for moving away. I know, I also moved away and I know how isolating it is to have a baby far from family. We have to live with the choices we made, even if we didn't realise at the time how hard things like this will be. You are lucky you have your in-laws.

I don't think anyone meant that you shouldn't be happy to tell your mum how you're feeling or show her this thread, just that it might be good for her to see you are really missing her. I think it's really normal - it's one of those times in life when, however lovely your in-laws are, they don't take the place of your mum.

I think DS at that age (London-born, all of both families in Ireland) only had a category of ‘me’ (ie his mother) and ‘other people’. Me he wanted, other people, including his father, not so much. I mean, he was barely born!

I don't have kids but honestly, I think this is just normal for some babies.

My mum still takes great pleasure in informing me that as a newborn, I used to yell blue murder as soon as anyone apart from my mum or dad held me. I even used to scream at my big sister, so it wasn't about not knowing people.

I'm now 50 and a relatively normal adult, if that helps!

We had this issue with my in-laws who live abroad.

I think you have to go really really gently at your DD's pace. You said she enjoys playing with your mum when she is on your lap, so start there. Once you have games she enjoys playing there, try playing on the floor with her sat in front of you. Once she is sitting independently, you can start moving back when you see she is comfortable.

We found this approach really helped to increase familiarity and build things up gradually rather than overwhelming our DS (who was a similarly colicky velcro baby). He is 3.5y now and when we visited at Christmas he was straight back into playing with all his aunties/uncles without having to do lots of work to rebuild the relationship first.

It might also help if your family could visit you at home as well. DS was always intimidated by new places and stressed by being out of his familar environment, which I think contributed to him finding it tricky to get comfortable with new people too.

This is really helpful thank you so much. Ill definitely try that. Yeah the plan is to alternate us going there and them coming here so she'll hopefully have a mix of both. Agree that shes definitely more comfortable in her own environment - naturally enough.
Also great that your wee boy just cracks on now. Thats certainly the case with my 3 year old nephew too, he doesnt need the time to warm to myself and my husband anymore which is lovely as i just adore him xx