Recognising monthly visitors

[Eagerlywaiting1990]

Hi There,
I have a lovely little 4 month old daughter that I conceived through ivf after 3 very difficult years of infertility.
Since shes been born weve had quite a difficult time with 10 weeks of severe colic. Thankfully she is much more settled now but has remained a sensitive little soul. What she doesnt like, she REALLY doesnt like...currently that includes cars, strangers and her next to me. Having bore up to 8 hours of constant night time screaming for up to 10 weeks, I would go as far as saying I have PTSD from her big cries and do try to avoid upsetting her wherever possible and within reason.

Anyway to the point of the post - I am from Ireland but live in Scotland. I am very close to my family and am lucky enough to have a particularly fantastic, supportive mum who has been as invested in my daughter as I have. Devastatingly despite seeing my parents 5 times and often for long stints at their house or mines, my baby still lumps them in the strangers category (since 12 weeks, now 17 weeks) and screams bloody murder if anyone in my family tries to hold her. It breaks their heart and mine cause they have so much to offer her. I guess im wondering when this will get better and if theres anything else I can do to help develop her trust in them. Unfortunately I cant afford anymore than monthly visits.
Thanks in advance x

Oh @Eagerlywaiting1990

Trust me - your daughter really doesn’t differentiate between strangers and family. She’s a new born. She recognises and needs you. Please don’t waste time worrying about this

Devastatingly despite seeing my parents 5 times and often for long stints at their house or mines,

in 4 months

This is lots.

First poster nails it on both points.

Babies don't really differentiate between family and strangers, to them is mummy or not-mummy. Even if your mum lived next door, she'd still be in the 'not-mummy' category and get screamed at.

Just keep going as you are, in a few months baby will be more accepting.

I think she’s just showing normal separation anxiety. It took mine a few weeks to realised they could be left by me and then they didn’t like the thought.

So don’t force her to be held by anyone else. Just provide gentle reassurance. It will change over time.

Is there anyway that your DPs or your DM can visit you?

I feel for you OP, I also had a screamy baby and it's hell. He took a long time to be comfortable with his grandparents but now he adores both sets and will even ask to spend overnights with them, without us. As pp have said this is developmentally normal- your baby will get there.

My parents were thousands of miles away when DD was a baby and only managed to visit every 6-8 weeks. We would Skype several times a week though and by 4 months DD definitely recognised their voices. Could you increase communication between visits in a similar way so that their voices are familiar to her next time they come?

I appreciate your replies but my baby responds to my inlaws well and goes to them happily so she is recognising them from seeing them twice per week. This is in contrast to everyone else bar my husband and I.
@Sishere it is and each time has been for between 3 and 7 days consistently (weve stayed with them or theyve stayed with us) so shes seen a lot of them in her short life.
I am not expecting her to suddenly be delighted to go to them, I appreciate she is very young, just keen to hear from others who have gone through similar circumstances so that I can be realistic about my expectations x

It's not nearly frequent enough for so young a baby to recognise them. Don't fret about it, in a few more months it will change. She's extremely young.

Thanks for this. Ive been having the phone on speaker and started video calling so hopefully this will help. Im not precious about timing, just want to be making progress xx

Thanks lovely, appreciate your kind words of reassurance.
Hard being away from family with a newborn and this definitely makes it harder as I just want them all to have a bond in time xx

My daughter was a velco child to me she wouldn't even be held by her father. Only me and thankfully my sister, who would stop by every evening after work to hold her while i attempted to make some dinner. I used to joke that if she could crawl back into my womb she would. She also suffered from colic so would cry most evenings and was very difficult to put down. Not much advice but to say it does get better eventually

Thank you, that sounds really difficult. Im glad you had your sister for a bit of relief xx

I wouldn’t really expect a baby to warm to anyone but you and her dad until she’s a toddler, maybe in the 12-15 month range. At 4 months, they can barely even see faces, let alone have the object permanence to remember people when they aren’t around. This is perfectly normal and healthy. Her needs right now are food and warmth, not socialisation. That comes much, much later.

That said, my mum lives on the other side of the world. She visited 3-4 times a year. My dc had lovely relationships with her (much more so than MIL, who lives locally and probably visited about as often). Relationships are built over time.

I agree with others this is really normal - but also, really tiny things can set a baby off. I remember noticing when my DD was tiny that one of our NCT babies was really upset when her dad's twin brother showed up. They were not identical twins but they did look very similar, and clearly she was freaked out by 'imposter daddy'.

Lots of babies will do things like wailing when mummy has wet hair/puts on her glasses, because she doesn't look like mummy any more.

Also, I wonder whether you interact slightly differently with your family and in-laws? Perhaps with the in-laws your DH is more taking the lead, picking up the baby and handing it to his mum or whoever? The baby may not see this as a hideous betrayal, whereas possibly if mummy (mummy!) decides to hand her over to someone else, she minds more?

They are funny little things at this age. Give her six months/ a year and she will be much more able to form bonds with family members and understand that she doesn't need to scream for you.

Scent is another thing to consider. Do either of them smoke or wear strong scented things? Babies are just so super sensitive to smell.

Thanks everyone. I fully appreciate that it is normal behaviour...I dont dispute that and as mentioned have no intention of upsetting my baby unnecessarily. My mum has the good sense to interact while she is on my knee and my dad has learned to do the same and she tolerates this.
I guess part of me is mourning her not growing up with my family around her as I see the bonds shes established with my husbands family already. Hopefully with consistency she'll get there...we have their whole lives to go xx

Please don't be upset by this - but do you generally feel a bit emotionally overwhelmed? If you do it's very normal, especially with an IVF baby (because of all the build up and the stress of the whole process). I'm just asking because this might be a tiny warning sign to reach out for a bit of support, if you have a good HV or someone to chat to?

You are very close to your mother. I think now is the time to really be open and honest with her regarding how you are feeling and your anxieties. She may already be concerned

Thanks for asking, ive definitely had my moments and feel sad that ive not had my mum round the corner as my brothers have. My in laws are brilliant but its just different isn't it? Ive also got a great group of friends so I do lean on them when I need to....but youre right, its a lot. But I absolutely adore my little girl and wouldnt change a hair on her head.

It's really difficult!

Agree that reaching out to your mum might be good. I think it's just a time when everything can hit you and you feel thrown off by every change.

Your little girl sounds like such a darling.

@Sishere I dont think she has anything to be concerned about. I'm fine, I just want my baby bonded with the people most important to me and look forward to when those bonds get established. Of course I've had moments of feeling overwhelmed but I'm not sure any first time mum could deny ever having those moments. I love being a mum, living away from home while being on maternity leave is just a harder adjustment than anticipated.

It is often very difficult to see when we have problems, but it is clear to others.

You have spent extended periods with your family 5x in just 4 months. Your baby will hardly be aware of surroundings, and really only aware of you and your husband.

Why don’t you show your mother your OP?

I second that scents are important. My velcro baby hated being held by anyone but me and even got stressed if I wore perfume etc. I used to swaddle her in my pj top. Even dad couldn't hold her much.
She was glued to me at all events until about 4 years old then seemed to find her feet. She's the most independent adult of my 4 children now lol. Attachment theory explains a lot and this is a very healthy normal part of development. Maybe ask everyone not to use scents and have a blanket that has your scent on to wrap her in when they try to hold her. If it doesn't work then just park it until she's ready to go to others without distress.