Getting up with kids. Relationship gap.

[OliveBlue]

Historically, I’ve ended up being the parent who gets up with our children, every morning. This involves getting up early, breakfast, getting them
dressed and so on, all the normal morning things, and of course now school.

As a friend described it recently, I have “let it become the way it is”… I feel defeated and it’s one of the biggest issues in our relationship.

I have lost count of the amount of times I have repeated the conversation with H. Nothing changes. Now the children would likely be upset if it wasn’t me in the morning, as they’re so used to it.

It is wearing. His excuses are normally to do with work - he works stupidly long hours, and is under pressure with work.. so he’s tired. I also work, part time around the children, (for his business) - as well as doing 95% of childcare duties etc. He is the main earner.

Currently we are away in a holiday house, and of course the same ensues. To be honest, these days I don’t say anything as there is no point. However, this morning he had the audacity to complain that (a) I woke him up when I got up with the girls, (no, I wasn’t being quiet particularly as it’s day 3 of the holiday and he’s not suggested he gets up with the girls so I can rest longer) and (b) that we had breakfast without him. I said, yes, at 6.30am when the rest of us got up…

I just feel there is no team parenting, I feel so envious when I hear about “taking turns” getting up with kids. I’m so worn by it. Not sure what I’m asking other than for advice, I feel like we might be getting past the same conversation once again. He has this way of making me feel I’m unreasonable.. hence not bothering to say anything anymore..

First, your problem with the ongoing status quo is completely reasonable.
DH's complaints on holiday are absurd.

Does he actually say he will put in more effort following the conversations? It sounded as tho he just gives his reasons for not doing more.

You and your DC deserve more practical input from him. It's not to "help" you, it's to do a more equal share of parenting the children he shares with you.

What happens if you just don’t get up? I imagine the kids will come into your room and be annoying until someone (him) gets up with them. Do that.

How old are the children?

He sounds like an arse. If my DH moaned that I was too loud when I got up with the kids every day of a holiday I would be raging.

For context I’m a sahm at the minute and my DH gets up with the kids at least half the time, on both working or non working days.

There’s really no excuse for your husbands complete and utter lack of involvement.

What would his reaction be if you were to just say to him “tomorrow if your job to get up with the kids”?

Force the issue, book yourself into a lovely hotel Friday and Saturday night, he gets to be the sole parent looking after the children. You could even pretend you are going away for a friend's birthday or something if that helps.

This way he has no choice. I would also want to know what he tells himself when he decides not to get up before the school run, why he opts out of parenting and has done for a long time.

He needs one on one time with his children, book the hotel, even if that is a cheap as chips one, just do it.

You can go away for the weekend.
If you are not there, he has to be an active parent.

He doesn’t really say he will do more, he often gets exasperated saying “what more do you want” seeing as he works so much etc… he does work very hard, but not at parenting.

They are 5 and 6

At times when they come in he tells them off for being noisy, so they now are only very quiet when they do come in to find me.

I’ve tried the whole thing of staying in bed and waiting, but it’s painful and he’s stubborn and it’s always me who gives up first and just gets up.

I will try this and see what happens… in the past he’s said that “they don’t want me to get up with them” and that ends up with everyone up anyway. But that is the case as it’s become this way, because he’s never done it. It’s a cycle. One that he never seems to want to change.

This doesn't solve your husband problem but I would be equipping your DC to be a little more self-sufficient in the morning. They can only get up when the Glo Clock tells them they can. Then they can go downstairs and help themselves to food that you'd prepped/made available the night before, e.g. fruit, bread, butter (spread it themselves), milk (decant into a jug so it's lighter to pour) and cereal, etc.

This sounds so tiring, I'm sorry op.
How old are your children?
Is your op earning mega bucks and making your lives easier with a cleaner etc?

Asking you "What more do you want?" when you've told him exactly what you need him to do seems defensive, as if you are unreasonable for asking.

A way to avoid contributing to the parenting of your DC?

I was married to a very similar human-now exH. Same as you; I worked p/t for 'our' business. No two situations are ever the same, but if the 'who's the most tired ' scenario - which most couples have to deal with, is treated with no empathy from him, I'm sorry but I doubt your marriage will survive. I'm older than you-and most women still take on 80% of EVERYTHING.

If they're 5 and 6 then no one needs to be getting up at 6.30am, especially on holiday!

Apart from that though, you and your husband need to sit down and work out how much free time you each have.
It's reasonable that he works more and you do more childcare, but what time do you both finish in the evenings? You should at least be taken turns with lie ins at the weekends.

For the rest of this holiday though, tell the kids they're not to disturb you til 8.30am. They can get themselves a snack and watch TV.