"Because it's funny"

[Tetheringattheend]

Hello,

Apologies if the following isn't well put together I'm really at the end of my rope with this.

My partner is away on an annual ski trip (he takes one every half term with DSD, 13). So I have been alone with DS 2.5 since Friday afternoon.

All has been fine until 17.30 today when I picked up DS from nursery. Was originally told he'd had a good day, until it got to the point when the nursery assistant lady said "but he's been pushing and scratching other children today". Obviously my heart sunk.

When we got home I asked him about it, he told me about the two children involved, it sounds like if he's being truthful he pushed his "best friend" (obviously 2 year olds don't have best friends really, but he's the one he talks most about and we've had over for a play date before), and it sounds like he scratched another little girl in his class on the face.

He went through a biting phase with me and his dad, there were a couple of incidents in the nursery. But it was occasional. More recently on a couple of occasions I've been told he's hit other children with toys (hard ones) , so that's been awful too. Twice that has happened at pick up, but not recently. Nursery lady says she believes he does it to get a reaction. So god knows why he would be wanting to do that.

I just don't know why he did this. If it was just the pushing, I could be a bit more philosophical and think it's just the rough and tumble of boys, but it's the fact he scratched another little girl's face, probably left a mark and now her parents are going to be so upset this evening.

When I talked it through with him he said he did it "Because it's funny". That's his stock answer for when he does something bad, which isn't often tbf. Most recently he took a chip out of our bed with a wooden jigsaw puzzle. Again when I asked him why; "Because it's funny".

He was such a calm, happy and peaceful baby . No trouble at all. Very smiley. Still is a happy chappie. He's not bad now, it's just these incidents.

I remind him all the time at home - always gentle hands, no pushing, biting, hitting etc. when you're at the nursery.

His dad and I don't argue, so nothing he has to bear witness to in terms of aggression.

I'm just so annoyed - annoyed I've been left by myself while DP buggers off on holiday (we weren't invited / consulted), annoyed neither of my parents are around to call (both are busy), annoyed I'm coming down with another fucking cold, and annoyed I've got to do a presentation at work on Thursday which I could not give less than a shit about and have barely started putting the damn thing together. Annoyed, fucking annoyed.

Has anyone been through similar and come out ok in the other side? I don't want him to be the horrible / weird kid at school no one ones to be friends with.

He does two days a week at nursery. My parents look after him on one day in the week, I do the rest. He started going from 12 months onwards. Maybe it was a mistake going back to work PT.

Any advice greatly appreciated, please be kind. I can't handle any more today.

TY.

He’s 2! I don’t think you need to worry about this. Kindly, he is still just a baby. Unless nursery think there’s some sen or something to worry about just keep reminding him about gentle hands and show him with your hands and his what that means.

Gently let him know that while it might be funny to him, fun should be when everyone has a good time, and the friends who he is biting and pushing are being hurt so no, it isn’t funny.

Thanks for your responses. I do appreciate it. It just feels so isolating and lonely because I don't think other parents get the "Just so you're aware..." talk. I feel so bad about it all. He always seems so good natured and gentle at home.

Tell him it's not kind and nobody will want to play with him if he's unkind to them

But home is a lovely calm space and he’s the only toddler. Nursery is wildly over stimulating and other pre school children will be in his space / face. Even my DD who’s the most compliant chill
child ever once shoved another child over. All will be well.

Have you actually told him WHY he shouldn't bite and scratch people?
It's all very well saying "don't do...." but he needs to learn the actual reason.

Of course they do.

In the kindest way, you are completely over reacting. Lots of children go through phases of pushing or hitting or even biting. Work with the Nursery and praise any kind things you see him do. He is too young for there to be any meaning whatsoever to any discussion you have with him at home about something that happened hours ago at Nursery.

You are presumably feeling rotten, coming down with a cold as you need to do a presentation and knowing your partner isn't there to give you an early night or lie in, but you really are over reacting.

It just feels that way. Other parents definitely get that talk too. Especially from the 2 year old room. I'm sure i said "Remember kind hands" on loop when my two were that age.

They are now 8 and 10 with plenty of friends and neither of them hit or push.

This too shall pass!

It could be he’s saying ‘it’s funny’ to try to get you to laugh instead of being angry. Not that he actually thinks what he did was funny. He’s a baby.

Small children don’t have empathy.

It’s interesting for them to hit and scratch to see the reactions of people. That’s how they learn.
Just keep reminding him how you want him to behave. Get him to practice stroking rather than hitting or scratching.

I do. My dad was a teacher (now retired) so I do try and communicate , "this is how you behave with others, everyone needs to get along and that starts with being kind to others and mindful of others". Etc.

Another thing is to make sure you keep his mails short, on a practical level.

Other parents definitely are having these conversations too so please don't think you're the only one. Children this age lack empathy a lot of the time and do things to experiment with cause and effect. My first DD wouldn't say boo to a goose but my second DD was exactly as you describe but now she is 3 she has largely outgrown these behaviours.

I spoke to nursery about what their consequence were for her when she hurt another child and tried to be consistent so everyone had the same approach- basically to remove her from whatever situation so they miss out on some fun for a minute or 2 as a consequence of hurting someone.

I also bought a simple feelings book to try and get her in touch with emotions in age appropriate way.

I agree with the above posters about keeping his nails very short and telling him it isn't funny and he hurt the other child. My brother was a terrible biter and he's very kind now so it'll probably work out ok.

I think you’re overreacting to a perfectly normal, if maddening, toddler stage because you’re exhausted and stressed.

If he's 2.5 "because it's funny" isn't actually a rational answer to anything, let alone something that happened hours earlier in a different place. He just wants to say something in answer to your question. Even when my friend's boy was 4 or so, he'd often default to saying "I can't, I'm scared" about things like being asked to put his shoes on or to make a decision between if he wants a biscuit or crisps as a snack! Instead of I don't want to or I don't know, "I'm scared" had become a back-up answer.

All children hit, kick, bite, scratch at some time or another. It's part of learning how to negotiate life and complicated setups with lots of other children and activities.

Thanks everyone for your responses. They have been really helpful.

He has a feelings book but it's a boy of a baby one so I might find one aimed at the toddler stage.

It was the same story a pick up, but this time it was hitting with toys. I guess we'll have to carry on being consistent and persistent in terms of encouraging good citizenship in the nursery.