Tricky relationship with school impacting my child

[Songsandstitches]

I'll try to keep this simple! My eldest who has now left primary school and is autistic and adhd had a pretty torrid time at school. Lots of absence as she has PDA and was misunderstood until her final year in school. She had an EHCP but it was always a battle and at times, although we were always reasonable about it, things were difficult as we had a lot of frustration towards school who just seemed to ignore the EHCP completely and didn't always handle things as well as they could have. Eldest has now started high school and is thriving in a different school.

My youngest who is 8, in Y3 is the easy kid. She works hard, is smart and is a lovely kid. Despite this, she seems to constantly get dealt short straws by school. I feel as though they're targeting her (mostly driven by the head if I'm honest) and I think they're being a bit spiteful towards her. I don't want to give examples, but some are biggies. I suppose what I'm asking is do I just accept that we have been branded challenging parents or try to change the dynamic. If so, what would you do? Head is quite approachable but as I have learned, she doesn't like to be challenged, beats a grudge and she is more than a little patronising!

It’s really hard to know unless you provide examples.

I think you do need to give examples. It's unlikely that a yr 3 teacher with no contact of your older child is going to target their sibling. I've taught siblings where one was a dick and the other was fine and didn't resent the easier one - and that's with having taught both, not just the head weirdly passing on messages to be nasty?

Yeah. Without examples we only have your subjective POV to go on.

I would take the examples to the head and without making any accusations, just say you really hope the school will put previous experiences with your family to one side and allow Y3 child a completely clean slate. Be very pleasant about it and not challenging and it’s likely the head will deny any ‘targeting’ but you could see an improvement in the way your child is treated going forwards

I don't want to give examples as I feel like they are quite specific, and quite identifiable but I do understand that it makes it harder to give a view.

This is along the lines of what I was thinking. Thanks, this is helpful. I'm not going to accuse them of anything because I have no evidence other than a hunch and a series of adverse issues which are an anomaly in her class and for a kid like her.

And, unfortunately, I do know that these things do play out like this as I grew up in a family of teachers!

Does the y3 class teacher even know your older child? Do you have a good relationship with that teacher?

I don't see how the head could be penalising your other child based on the older ones behaviour. Especially If they've left.

I know you won't say how. But are they giving them lower marks than others for the same work? Telling them they've done things wrong they haven't? Denying them playtime or other privileges for no reason?

It could be your perception of it, it could be the head teacher is telling class teacher to discriminate against your kid but I fail to see why. And I also grew up in a family of teachers.

And, unfortunately, I do know that these things do play out like this as I grew up in a family of teachers!
so your family members have told you when they have done this, or told you when they’ve witnessed colleagues doing it?
what do you mean about being branded challenging parents?
were you doing this appropriately?

To be fair not all teachers can separate their experiences of the same family effectively, I remember going to the sign up day for 6th form, first time I'd really been there, all excited but nervous, and when I went to sign up for one subject the head of department basically gave me a dressing down/telling off. I went home upset and it turned out my brother had been getting into bother and so the HoD thought they would nip similar in the bud from me. That teacher was particularly bad for that kind of thing but it does happen (they did apologise once they were made aware I was upset)
To the op though I thing you just have to work with the school as best you can, keep the communication open and if it's too much then consider changing schools.

I've sometimes taught a child with a tricky parent (not saying that you're a tricky parent) and then when I've taught the younger sibling, it's made me a bit anxious because I'm wary of that parent.

But it would never affect how I treat the child. Nor would I judge a new pupil based on my experience of their older sibling.

I'd say this definitely happened to me, 30 years ago. My older DB was always in trouble and the bitch HOY took it all out on me, 4 years younger. She never used my name, I was always 'DB's sister'. But she was just a horrible person and no-one liked her!!

If it’s that the haven’t had a certificate this year yet or weren’t chosen to be Mary in the Christmas play then I think it’s not anything to worry about.