How do I deal with this behaviour

[Tired98]

Really struggling with my 4 year olds behaviour

We've had thoughts he may be on the autistic spectrum but this behaviour lately has got me drained

Hes just had a meltdown as I didn't let him snatch his little sisters toy off her (she's 2) I tried to explain sharing taking turns etc. Full blown meltdown. Kicks me hits me throws stuff. I feel awful I raised my voice i am so worn out I don't get why he's acting like this

Constantly like this over taking turns and sharing hes being awful with his little sis atm it's breaking my heart

What am I doing wrong? Currently in a stage of im unsure what to even do I feel like a shit mum who doesn't know how to parent

Do you have a playpen? This isn’t a solution to cure the behaviour but separate them. Is he simply demonstrating jealousy? Please don’t feel bad about raising your voice. I’m afraid I was a shouty parent and my DC grew up to be lovely adults.

Some kids (including but not limited to autistic kids) don't respond to conventional discipline, ie: being shouted at after the event.

There are a few things you can do, apologies if you are doing any or all of them already. These are informed by my own experiences with my kid and things that worked with him when he was younger and an absolute nightmare. With the right support he's lovely now as a pre-teen.

1. Behaviour is communication. Try not to see his tantrums as 'naughty'. He's expressing his feelings albeit in a bad way. The behavior is bad, his feelings aren't. Acknowledge his feelings and try and put them in words 'you are upset because you weren't allowed the toy. Maybe you feel like mummy doesn't love you as much as your sister?'
2. Talk about sharing and stuff when he's not stressed. When he's in the middle of a tantrum he's not going to learn anything. When he's calm and happy, maybe before bedtime, talk these things through. Stay general ('people should') rather than specific ('you should') - let him cast himself in his mind as one of the good guys who do the good behavior.
3. Model sharing (or whatever behaviour needs working on... kind hands or not snatching or whatever) with you and your parrtner. Put it into words ('thank you for passing me the tea. That's GOOD SHARING')
4. Try and stay calm. If he's upset you being angry is fuel on the fire. Makes everything so much worse. Doesn't matter whether his anger is justified or not - he's 4. He's feeling his feelings. He needs help working through them. Then hopefully in time (like my son) he'll be able to separate 'rational' reasons to be angry from irrational ones and behave appropriately.
5. Try and scaffold - this means basically proactively hovering and anticipating play. You'll learn to notice the signs of when he's going to snatch or grab or do something bad. When you see the signs, distract him - 'oh what's this other toy! Look a butterfly!' - you can divert these impulses and avoid a meltdown before it happens. We did this for years.
6. Don't jump to a diagnosis if you don't need to. Trust me when I say an autism diagnosis doesn't come with a cure.

Good luck.

That makes sense she has been very clingy baby since she was born bless her always required a lot would never go to dad or grandparents even for a cuddle

So I get why he may want my attention more (she isn't too bad now with that but obviously he was 2 when she was born so itz been a lot for him)

Thank you for that. I very rarely shout raise voice imnalways so sad if I do i panic and apologise

Oh and 7. Overpraise good behaviour. Loads and loads of praise for doing the right thing, and the bad stuff, don't allow it but do try and ignore the tantrums, don't rise to them, just stay calm as though they aren't happening whilst saying 'I understand you're upset. No, we don't kick, I won't let you hurt me. We don't hurt. Let me know when you're ready for a cuddle'.

Thanks for the tips just a bad day he calmed down we had a chat and I read him the i love you when you're angry book so he knows I always love him meltdown or not and he can't snatch or hit

Been a little better rest of day. Had moments of snatching pushing etc no meltdowns tho