‘I hate school!’

[DesLynamsMoustache]

Been going through this with DD1 (just turned 7) for a while but it’s getting worse and I’m struggling to figure out what the best thing to do.

Most days when DD1 gets up, she says she doesn’t want to go to school. Some days she is fine but I would say we are at the point where most days, this is how the day starts.

Before I go further, I’ll say that school have no concerns. Teacher was surprised to hear what was happening at home as she says DD is happy in class, she’s achieving well, has friends, is enthusiastic. When I pick her up she’s happy and full of chat about her day. But the mornings… I’m beginning to think it’s an issue with transitions more generally, but I’m not sure how to solve it.

So this is a typical morning:

Wakes up, says ‘I don’t want to go to school, I hate school’. My response varies but usually along the lines of ‘I hear you but let’s get dressed and have breakfast and see how things are going then.’

Dressed and down to breakfast. Usually punctuated by some complaining about going to school. Teeth brushed and hair done. If there’s time we do something together (this morning it was 15 mins of Dobble) then we walk to school.

The whole way there, saying she hates school, sometimes tears, complaining that she hates reading group as they have to leave her classroom, hates assembly as they have to go and sit in the hall, etc.

When we get there, usually I can get her into playground okay although she will cling to me and then stand in queue looking bereft. Occasionally she will be in tears and the teacher on door has to guide her in.

Worth saying that on one of those mornings, I walked round to the school office and saw inside her classroom about 5 mins later through a window and she was perfectly normal.

If school is ever cancelled (weather for example) she’s absolutely delighted.

I am at my wits end a bit with it as it’s making mornings awful. She’s upset, I am upset although I try to be positive and upbeat and lighthearted, and now DD2 has started copying her and saying she doesn’t want to go to nursery (although thankfully she loves nursery so the second we get there she runs inside anyway).

Has anyone been through similar? Sorry this is so long.

At home she’s a typical 7yo, she loves to draw and do crafts, do board games, she doesn’t get much TV screen time but she and her dad play a little Minecraft together in the evenings. She does Brownies and an art class at weekends.

I’m just really sad and frustrated with it. I plan to talk to her teacher again but the issue seems to be solidly on this side of the school gate.

One of mine hated mornings and transitions. So they hated school because in their mind no school no morning no transition.
Better with time.

My son is a bit like this, if he has a feeling he has to do something then he doesn't want to, but if he has a genuine choice then he does want to. And if he's doing something he doesn't want to change to something else.
Getting up and going to school is very hard for some kids, all I've done is mostly sympathised but had boundaries in place, and kept the teacher updated on what's happening at home.
Luckily it's got a lot better in the last year.
I also reduced the amount of other demands, so basically all weekend activities are optional, and there are almost no evening activities.
I think sometimes maybe they just want a duvet day and there aren't enough weekends in the month.

Thank you, that’s encouraging that in both cases it has improved over time.

She’s very much a homebody generally I would say, and I think she prefers smaller group activities as she has said before that school has too many people (which I understand!). She loves Brownies and has no issues going in there, but we’ve had many a discussion about why she has to go to school, etc. She has often said she just wants to stay home with me (even though I point out that I will be working or doing other stuff that means we won’t be able to do anything together anyway).

Is she saying she hates school because she knows you are at home and she thinks she has the choice of the two environments?

I didn't have this problem with ds but he knew that I went to work every day so there was no choice of playing games with me all day and walking the dog. It was either school or come to work with me and sit quietly in a meeting room on his own with some colouring.

I work from home as does DH. I think she would be perfectly happy to stay home and just amuse herself, she can generally keep herself occupied for a long period of time with one thing or another! Which probably doesn’t help as the idea of us working and not playing with her doesn’t really put her off that much. She’d just be like ‘That’s fine, I’ll do X, Y, Z!’ 🙄

DD2 is very different personality wise, she likes to be out and about doing stuff so asks to go to nursery if she thinks whatever we are up to is going to be boring.

Are you pandering to the whinging a bit too much? If my 7yo started doing this he’d get the reaction of ‘well you’ve got to go anyway so no point complaining’ and further complaints would get no reaction, and would be told to stop after a couple of times.

I’d not discuss it either. Don’t “hear” her. She’s whinging and you need to filter it out. Of course doing nothing can sen attractive - does she have friends? Or are her parents her friends? I’d ignore it and be brusque. She’s obviously ok and maybe not tolerate such dreadful mornings! Be firm.

DS2 was like this around 7, he’s outgrown it now.

Children need a really clear message that school is compulsory and non-negotiable, especially if both parents wfh. When DS2 used to whinge that he was feeling poorly/tired, I’d say that he could tell the teacher if it persisted, and she’d ring me to collect him. Of course, she never did.

She has lots of friends but she does really enjoy spending time with us, she’s always very happy to see one of us at school pick-up, more so than a lot of the other children I’ve noticed. She will come rushing out for a big hug, she gets very excited when she sees one of us in the audience at a school event, etc.

School is definitely a non-negotiable so we don’t budge on that, even when friends are taken out for holidays or random days just because. I’ve explained that it is just not something we do. She’s barely ever been absent, in fact just once when she had Norovirus. She’s attended every single day otherwise and doesn’t ever get to stay off because she’s not in the mood, etc. She has far better attendance than most of her pals!

She’s home now and in a good mood, complained a bit about a couple of things but otherwise the day seemed fine. Might try and have a chat with her this weekend and see if we can find anything that might help the transition from home to school. But perhaps it does just need more time!