Single parenting and finances

[EJL2026]

After some advice/reassurance 🙏🏼

So… I am already a single mum to a 9 year old who I have raised alone completely as the dad didn’t want any involvement.

I am now nearly half way with baby number 2 (different dad). We haven’t been together long so this baby was a shock and the dad comes with a lot of drama and baggage which has caused me a lot of stress so far in this pregnancy and before. I have come to the conclusion that it would be best all round if we separated and coparented (amicably and as friends).

Now my worry is I am currently on UC as I was made redundant in July and hadn’t found work before falling pregnant. I am petrified that financially I cannot do this alone, how do I buy everything for the baby before they are here? As well as paying all my bills and rent and ensuring my first born has everything he needs…

I know lots of people do this alone but the financial burden of having 2 to pay for this time is terrifying me 😫

Any advice, help or just reassurance would be amazing! Thank you x

Have you got a job now? Is the dad working?

No I don’t as unfortunately but understandably who would employ a pregnant person for the sake of a few months? He does work full time but also has 2 kids from his previously relationship and will now have to find himself somewhere to live as he’s currently on his mums sofa 😬x

I think that's an excuse. I started a job with 8 weeks to go. I took maternity leave, got SMP, came back and have been in the organisation for 6 years and now quite high up.

Hospitality and care jobs would take you on, hopefully you are still looking? I’m surprised UC aren’t making you find work. Can you afford to kick this guy out? I’d work out what you will get with your UC on a single claim and weigh up your options as it sounds like a very difficult position to be in.

that sounds like you landed very lucky however I haven’t had such luck this far. I also have complication with this pregnancy resulting in lots of extra scans and appointments which again has made it much harder to find suitable work.

I have been and still am looking for work but having no luck. Working in care isn’t something that would suit me and I am struggling to find anything close enough to suit childcare as I don’t drive either and have no local family I can rely on for pick up or drop off etc with my older child. I was paying £450 a month previously to work full time and realistically I cannot afford to be paying that either with another baby to pay for. It is a tricky situation however it is my house not our house and whether I can afford to or not it would be extremely unhealthy to continue living together if one of us isn’t happy.

I totally agree it would be unhealthy, but of course you just need to make sure you will be able
to afford to live alone with both kids and no job, so it’s worth doing the maths as you won’t get maternity pay and the increase in child benefit isn’t very much. What did you do for work before? Can you pick up any free lance stuff working from home?

You need a plan. So far it sounds like you’ve not thought through or planned how you’re going to manage with two young children. Are both dads working? What contribution - financial or practical - are they going to make towards the two lives they helped create? What is your plan for providing for yourself and your two children?

Yes, work is very hard with an infant but they won’t be small forever so you need to think about how you’re going to meet your immediate needs and also think about some kind of work or training so you’re not stuck long term.

You have two children to think about now so be intentional - pull back on romantic relationships, focus on establishing yourself with a support system and some form of work. Bouncing from one thing to another isn’t good for anyone. .

2 children in 9 years isn’t ’bouncing from man to man, baby to baby’ at all.

I think you’ll see I corrected myself after rereading the OP.

I predominately ran/managed pubs prior to my son and still continued for a while after until it just no longer was the right fit late nights and weekends etc meant barely seeing my own child between school and work. The last 2.5 years I have worked as a PA until I was made redundant. I don’t bounce from job to job or relationships etc. I raised my son for 8 years before I started another serious relationship and it unfortunately just hasn’t worked the way I’d have hoped. I also have a very very good support system with parents who are able and willing to support financially when needed of course I don’t want that and I didn’t chose to be out of work etc but things happen and here we are…

I also have lots of friends who have recently had babies and already offered items free/ cheap it’s just a very daunting and unexpected situation hence looking for some reassurance that it is doable :)

What is she bouncing from and to though? No job is far from ideal but she isn’t bouncing around anything/anyone, she just needs to come up with a proper plan.

I think it will be extremely difficult to survive on benefits and you will need to get a job, which almost certainly won't be 100% convenient. What will this man's contribution be? Does he have a job?

The OP has said multiple times that the baby’s dad has a job but other commitments. Learn to read.

It is doable, and yes it’s daunting but you seem very clear that staying in the relationship isn’t a viable option (which sounds fair enough). It’s totally normal to panic a bit, but you’ve said you have a good support system which is a start. It’s great that people are giving you some of the things you need for the baby, you could draw up a list of essentials so you know what’s still needed. Are there pre-loved baby shops near you - we have a community one that has prams, cots etc for a donation.

You’ll be ok, deal with what’s right in front of you, and plan from there.

he does work full time however with having 2 other children also his contribution is likely to be slim. My benefits will increase when the second baby arrives to ease the strain a little and I will of course be going be to work as soon as after baby but equally need to be able to enjoy my new baby and my son for a bit like all other mums. My redundancy was extremely last minute (within 3 weeks of notice which left me no time to sort anything else and since I have just struggled to find something suitable. I cannot take a job that is a 2 hour commute on public transport etc as I am the sole carer for my first child and therefore need to be close enough to get to him when needed

I missed one sentence in one post. Cool your tits.

It does sound very difficult and I’m sorry that neither dad is stepping up to do much or anything to help their children or their mother with life costs. I’m sure you can do it if you can keep all your costs low and live frugally but it will be difficult. Things are hard when you’re earning let alone with no maternity pay. Perhaps you could stay with your parents until you get back on your feet? Not ideal but plenty of people have to

So if he’s in his mums sofa he must be saving! He needs to contribute even if you decide to be one friends he’s still the father.
Aldo you don’t need to buy tons of stuff. Second hand buggy, a cot, clothes and nappies.

I’m hoping we can still muddle through 🤞in an ideal situation we would move in with my family however they live too far away from my sons school and I don’t want to be moving him when he only had 2 years left and has built his whole life here

The spending time with the baby and your older son is a WANT not a NEED. I got a new full time job at 7 months pregnant and returned to work at 7 months. The issue you have is you are expecting to be able to provide for a family on hours that are convenient and local and presumably minimum wage - that’s not easy!

I struggled to provide - but a family home, run a car, pay for nursery etc on one income as a high earning professional and had to commute 50 miles daily and pay for nursery .
in the meantime you can help yourself by learning to drive - you said your parents will financially support you so do this now before you have a newborn that will need childcare while you have lessons. This will then open up many more jobs.
You are on universal credit so you will get an absolutely massive discount on nursery fees to allow you to work - I think it’s 85% - I didn’t qualify for this when DD was a newborn and had to pay for a full time nursery place but knew that stopping work for years would make me unemployable in the long term.

10 years on I’m in a really good position because I’ve stayed in work - the mums I know who decided to stay at home for years now struggle to find work as TAs or dinner ladies - only possible if you have a husband’s income which you don’t. I decided to raise my DD on my own , it wasn’t easy on a single income even if that income was objectively a good one.
You need to get a 9 -5 job so you can put the baby in nursery while you work- like most people do. At least you will get to keep your earnings as universal credit will subsidise the nursery. My colleagues are all professionals are struggled to pay full time nursery but it’s an investment in the future.

You may be entitled to maternity allowance depending on the dates and your previous earnings, you need to have worked 26 of the 66 weeks before the baby’s due date. I’m not sure if you would be eligible, but if you were made redundant immediately before the pregnancy you might just squeak in.