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7yo DS am I approaching this correctly

17 replies

Shipedyshape · 12/02/2026 12:34

DS who is 7 got some really lovely feedback at parents evening and DH and I were very pleased and told DS this. DD also did well and we've told her how pleased we are too.

DH the said DS and DE should get a gift because they've got such good feedback. We didn't discuss this beforehand, he just sort of said it and because they both got so excited I felt like I couldn't say no etc.

anyway, DS said he would like a specific toy which we agreed to and said we would get for him. I checked stock at our local smyths store and they didn't have any in stock so I ordered it online that evening when he was asleep.

he woke up this morning asking where the toy was. We told him it was on its way and to be patient etc but he was getting more and more agitated saying he didn't want us to order it online, he wanted to get it at the shop etc. honestly he got so angry and annoyed, he called DH a stupid idiot and said we had made his morning awful and were unkind to him. All over a toy we had already ordered for him.

I calmly explained that this toy was meant to be a reward for doing so well at school and improving so well since the start of term but we would not be giving it if this was how he was going to behave. I also explained that he could have had a nice morning but he chose to get upset and start shouting and name calling.

I think I should stick to my guns and not reward this bad behaviour otherwise he'll grow up thinking he can bully us into getting things instantly. DH thinks we should cool off and reassess but I think tha will just cause problems.

Of course all of this could have been avoided if DH had just left it at the praise and not offered up a gift. I am very annoyed at DH for even suggesting such a thing in the first place as we should only do presents at Christmas and birthdays or DS can save his pocket money but given that he said it I wanted to follow through on the promise as my own parents used to say they would get me things then just never get them all the time and I hated it as a kid.

Any tips on how to approach this would be appreciated. Thanks

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Sunshineandgrapefruit · 12/02/2026 12:39

I think it's fine to reward good behaviour at school. We do it with a hot choc on the way home though rather than a toy. Maybe just agree with DH they don't get to choose anything in future it will be more of a token decided by you.

Shipedyshape · 12/02/2026 12:45

@Sunshineandgrapefruit oh yes I agree I have no issues with a hot chocolate/ice cream/treat from the sweatshop for doing so well, I just don't think a toy for every good parents evening is the way to go and we've agreed going forward we won't do that.

Given how'sDS has behaved this morning (he also said I was stupid and he threw all of our toothbrushes on the floor because we didn't do what he wanted) I think we should say he can't have the toy now.

Honestly all this fuss because we bought the toy online and it would take a few days to deliver when he wanted it instantly. It just feels so spoilt and he's usually such a sweet boy.

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balletflatblister · 12/02/2026 12:47

He wouldn't be getting the toy now

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Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 12/02/2026 12:51

Don't take it off him. Yes, he's reacted badly to having to wait and should apologise for this (and if he doesn't then the consequence is that you send it back), but to offer him a toy as a reward then take it away will make him feel it doesn't matter how well he does because he's not seeing a benefit that matters to him iyswim. But you need to find another way of rewarding good behaviour.

I'm against rewarding kids like this. Good behaviour and making an effort should be the norm. A small treat to celebrate with them is best rather than making such a big thing of it.

After this you and your DH should agree not to follow this pattern and explain to both your kids that you want them to make the effort as that's what you expect, not just for reward. Your DH was a wally btw.

Balloonhearts · 12/02/2026 12:56

He'd get fuck all and be told directly why and that he was behaving like a disrespectful, spoilt brat.

WildLeader · 12/02/2026 13:03

If you give him this toy now, you’re allowing his appalling behaviour to slide, showing him that he can throw a tantrum and call you names and it’s all good.

fwiw, I’m sure over the years I’ve pissed my (now 20yo) Ds off, but NOT ONCE has he ever called me a name.

You sit this lad down, go firm with him and say “we were going to get you the toy, because at school you’ve been doing well, but to behave as you have done, shouting at us, throwing our things around and calling names, the toy is cancelled.”

You have to nip this in the bud now. Seriously now. Give me a boy until he’s 7 and all that…

you also speak to DH and agree on future SMALLER rewards like a hot chocolate or something and not a gift. ever.

set boundaries and keep them.

be clear with the kids that name calling is always going to be punished

meditated · 12/02/2026 13:04

Has he never behaved like this before?

It just sounds like he hasn’t got much of frustration tolerance. It won’t get better if you just avoid upsetting him (by not promising gifts etc) - the opposite, you need to build his frustration tolerance muscle by putting him in similar situations (where he doesn’t get what he wants straight away) more often and just role-model calmness and saying things like ‘I’m upset’ instead of ‘I hate you’.

Beamur · 12/02/2026 13:11

I wouldn't cancel the toy. But I would pick a moment before the toy arrives and have a conversation with him.
Say he's still getting it because it was a reward for good work at school but that you're very disappointed with his behaviour when he had to wait for it to arrive. You understand he was frustrated, but that wasn't a good way to express that feeling and talk it through with him.
It's a lesson for you all really.

WildLeader · 12/02/2026 13:17

My heart break to hear how some kids talk to their mothers. Once you allow it, it won’t stop, only get worse. Boys challenge for leadership of the house… you have to show them the hierarchy and how respect works or it all goes wrong

WiltedLettuce · 12/02/2026 13:35

We all get impatient and lose our rags sometimes. Personally, I'd deal with this by de-escalating. Just give him a hug and say you're sorry he's having to wait but sometimes things don't come immediately and there's nothing anyone can do about it. And can he please not shout or call anyone names because that's not allowed in your house and you'd hate to have to take the toy away when it does come.

Yes, some behaviour requires consequences/a response, but I often find that trying to avoid an overly punitive approach in the first place by acknowledging the feelings helps. It's not about ignoring bad behaviour, but dealing with it in a positive and measured way and giving a chance to regulate and change direction.

BertieBotts · 12/02/2026 13:38

I also wouldn't take away the toy completely, but I might withhold it for an extra day or two to make a point, and let him know why.

My DS can get wound up like this. The way that we've learnt to deal with it is essentially not to respond to it in the moment.

We told him it was on its way and to be patient etc but he was getting more and more agitated saying he didn't want us to order it online, he wanted to get it at the shop etc. honestly he got so angry and annoyed, he called DH a stupid idiot and said we had made his morning awful and were unkind to him.

Essentially you want to stop the discussion when it starts getting heated. So he wakes up and asks where it is, you say oh it's not here yet, we have to wait for it to be delivered. He starts to complain and say he wanted to get it at the shop - this kind of thing, for my DS, would not be about the toy, his entitlement, his impatience, any kind of controlling agenda. It would be because he is hungry.

When he is hungry he doesn't see reason and sense even though he is quite logical, fair and patient normally. He was hungry and that agitated feeling was exacerbated by the picture in his head of having the toy available or visiting the shop (which presumably, he didn't expect to do before school anyway which shows you how silly it is as a request, this kind of thing is a clear indicator he's not thinking clearly).

Trying to explain, justify, reason, argue or reprimand does not work when they are in that headspace. It will just cause them to escalate, and solidify their sense that they are righteously indignant rather than being rude and ungrateful. The helpful response is to de-escalate - so don't enter into discussion about the thing. Deflect it by saying "Ah you wanted to go and pick it up, never mind, we'll know for next time" or "Hold your horses, hang on a sec, we haven't even had breakfast yet!" or "Let's have something to eat first and then we can talk about it" or "We don't have time for toys now anyway, we can talk about it after school". Sometimes de-escalation by OTT humour/sarcasm can work like if you say something like "OMG DS you're absolutely right. We wanted to get you this stupendous reward for your school work and we didn't even pay for the super-mega-extreme-fast delivery, the one where it comes delivered on a velvet cushion carried by galloping unicorns. Major error. Worst parents ever." Unless they are in an utter grump fit, this usually makes them laugh and then see the silliness of their own request (especially if they have actually managed to eat something).

But however you do it, you just do not enter into a discussion about the issue while they are agitated about it. First priority (for my DS) would be getting some food into him and second priority would be leaving space between his initial agitated response and me giving any kind of acknowledgement other than to deflect. 9/10 once he's had some food he's much more reasonable and will cool down to something like aww, I wish we could have got it from the shop, I was really excited to play with it today, and then I could sympathise with that. Sometimes he would stay cross, there wouldn't be time to address it (esp before school) and I'd just keep deflecting or changing the subject and make it clear it's not up for discussion now but we can talk about it later when everyone is feeling calm.

Later when there is a calmer/more reasonable moment I'd then use that opportunity to talk about how I don't like being spoken to in a rude way or I felt he was unfair this morning when we have gone to the trouble to order him something nice to complain about the delivery time, which isn't our fault as the item isn't in stock anyway. All of this he can 100% understand when he's not in a grump rage fit because of hunger and overexcitement. If there had been unacceptable behaviour like shouting and name calling, then I would give a consequence which might be that I keep the item back for a day or two, if he's a child who tends to appreciate related consequences. My DS doesn't because he finds this confusing and unpredictable, so he would get the usual consequence for verbal aggression which is a loss of screen time.

Sometimes for this kind of situation if there would be a calmer way to resolve it, I like to encourage that so I might enter into a discussion about whether it's possible to cancel the online order and pick the item up today in a different store, or buy something else instead, as long as it was approached calmly I'd discount the earlier unsuccessful attempt from the morning. If you have a child who is prone to escalation, then it can be important to practice the skill that you want them to use instead, which is communication and problem solving. It is sometimes counterproductive to insist that a bad attempt at getting their side across is punished by a refusal to accept a second, self-corrected attempt. They will not learn how to do it in the better way if you never let them try because they did it wrong first.

Wakemeupinapril · 12/02/2026 13:38

The toy gets returned imo.
Side note - as an adult I hate online shopping.. Looking and holding what will soon be yours is great. Awaiting the blood courier is annoying and usually frustrating..

Bluegowndance · 12/02/2026 13:39

Why do you think a toy that he can play with a use over and over and love and that serves as a reminder of reward for hard work, is less acceptable than rewarding with food.

it seems like a very big reaction from him so I’d want to get to the bottom of why he was so frustrated really, whilst obviously explaining that he can’t talk to you like that.
I think you’re being a bit dramatic about a 7 year old too. He’s not bullying you. He’s 7. you say he’s normally not like this, so I would be thinking why is he so upset and acting so out of character, rather than prioritising punishing him and worrying about him being spoilt or a bully.

dairydebris · 12/02/2026 13:41

I agree with you that kids shouldn't get a material reward for doing well at school. The self respect and satisfaction should be more than enough. Theres plenty of evidence that external 'treats' reduce internal motivation.

Dont be angry with him for being impatient though. He can't help it. Just tell him he needs to wait for the toy to arrive. Thats it.

Then no rewards for good behavior at school. But don't tell him that- its not a punishment. Just keep praising his effort and don't get a physical reward next time.

Shipedyshape · 15/02/2026 08:13

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I feel like I have approached this all wrong and his behaviour has just escalated and got 100% worse over the past few days.

In an effort to remain consistent, I told him the toy would need to wait he and we needed to work on him not name calling and he doesn't get what he wants when he behaves that way etc. Whilst it's ok for him to be frustrated, it is not ok to name call etc. he was upset but I stayed firm on this and we've been trying to carry on as normal.

He's been doing all his usual activities including a couple of hours of Minecraft on Saturday morning (which he loves) and when it came time to turn it off we had a lot of shouting and a lot of name calling. He's also been hitting me and his sister and also inadvertently hit the baby when he was throwing his toys around and one bounced off the floor and hit the baby in the head.

he was very sorry about this as he loves the baby a lot and would never want to hurt her but I was very cross. I told him to go to his room and also said we wouldn't be playing Minecraft until next weekend (especially as he played for a lot longer than planned). I explained if he was finding it hard to stop playing Minecraft then we needed a bit of a break from it until he could learn to be calmer.

I just feel like it's escalated tenfold this morning. We actually had a nice afternoon on Friday after school but this morning he's been up early, stomping around at 6am demanding to play Minecraft, calling me an idiot and squeezed my leg really hard. I've been calm throughout and told him he need to go back to sleep, go have something to eat or go play in his room and this behaviour would not get him what he wants.

he's apologised and given me a hug and I'm going to take a deep breath and try and hold firm with not giving him the toy and Minecraft. I just don't want him to think that he can complain and kick up a fuss and just get want he wants but I also don't want to carry on these consequences indefinitely, especially with half term this week. The plan for half term is to carry on with our activities and for me to be as present as possible which is somewhat hard with a 3 month old baby needing feeding every other minute but I'm going to stick her in the sling and try my best.

I think he we have no more major incidents he can have the toy at the end of half term but I'm not sure if this is right or if it is going to be confusing.

Definitely a big lesson learned not to offer treats at every given opportunity and I've made sure DH and I are on the same page with this.

Thank you for all your help. I love DS so much, I just really want to make sure I do the right thing and being post partum has just made all of this a lot harder than it probably should be with the lack of sleep and my brain feeling like mush.

OP posts:
Happytaytos · 15/02/2026 08:20

He sounds like a lovely boy with some big emotions going on.

Are there 3 in the house and is he the oldest? Don't over expect from him because he's oldest, it's an easy trap to fall into. Does he get much 1:1 attention?

I agree with your treatment when he hurts/calls names. Hold firm on the Minecraft for the week, her needs to know you mean business. We relented a couple of times and in the long run it made life worse.

I think the toy at the end of a week of good behaviour is a good compromise. But he has to behave. Allow him the odd blip with a reminder, because once you take it away as a reward, you lose the leverage from it!

BertieBotts · 15/02/2026 13:02

It does sound tough and I think your approach is fine.

In order to avoid ending up with consequences overlapping or continuing indefinitely and/or a scenario where you run out of things to take away, it's sometimes useful to have a sort of token thing which you can use and keep the amounts which are removed very small so that it resets every day, and he always has a chance to try again. This is a technique that you would use with children with persistent challenging behaviour, so it might not be necessary if this isn't a usual pattern.

It might work well to use a reminder/warning rather than an extension for "blips" as a PP said. And it might be worth sitting with him at a calm time if this behaviour in general is very out of character and trying to suss out if something is going on for him or bothering him at the moment. A new sibling could easily be part of this as well.

If it is not a usual pattern for him then my guess would be that it's something like a phase, or there could be something under the surface you are unaware of, there are also a few viruses going around and he might just be a bit under the weather. I do notice in my DC especially the one with challenging behaviour, that when a BIG reward is dangled like this toy, it really unsettles him and makes it harder for him to follow even the usual rules, not just anything related to the promised reward but it's almost like it shakes him up like a bottle of pop. I think it just feels like a lot of pressure and anticipation, but as said, he generally struggles with emotional regulation so it's just something I have to be aware of other adults doing - DH can sometimes accidentally trigger this kind of thing, because a big motivator used to work well for our eldest who was difficult to motivate but often capable of making big leaps. DS2 needs a more low-key approach so he can work more consistently towards a goal step by step, rather than being bombarded with hard targets and big prizes.

All children are different so I am not necessarily suggesting your DS is the same as my DS2. There could be any number of explanations and you might get through this half term and not even be any the wiser what happened. I do hope things improve anyway and that he's able to get his reward in the end Smile

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