Dd being told off for getting pushed

[Conflictavoidant]

I am at a bit of a loss at how to deal with this issue. My Dd does a competitive sport. Yesterday my dd's group were called over to use a piece of equipment. My Dd got there first and was in the front of the queue with her foot resting on the equipment. Another girl (I'll call her Annie) walked up and yanked my Dd hard off the equipment and pushed in front. My daughter shouted 'Annie' loudly. Annie has ADHD, so I understand impulse control can be a problem, but Annie is highly competitive and always wants to be first at everything. Another girl witnessed it and went to tell the coach (who was just walking over) what had happened. I couldn't hear what was said from where I was, but she was facing my daughter, clearly telling her off (for being pushed?). I checked with Dd when she walked past and she confirmed she had been told off. I was pretty cross, as this isn't the first time my Dd has been told off after Annie has been physically aggressive towards her. Previously the coach hasn't seen what happened, but seemed to take Annie's word for it. This time there was another witness that told her exactly what had happened and the coach still told my Dd off. I am massively conflict avoidant and hate this sort of thing. I did ask the coach for a quiet word at the end. I told her what had happened and she said, 'I know'. I said 'oh, it looked like you were telling Evelyn off, Evelyn felt you were too'. She said she was telling the 3 of them off and telling to keep there hand off each other. She was definitely facing my Dd when she said it though. I said 'I know that Annie has some issues, but it feels like every week something happens'. She said she'll keep an eye on it and I left it there. Dd feels like this coach doesn't like her though. I have a feeling she is right. My Dd can be a bit silly and doesn't always listen, so fully support the coaches for pulling her up on that (and will always have a word with her after). Underneath that she's a good kid though. I said to my DH about moving Dd to another day (though this day works best for us). He said, she shouldn't have to move days because of Annie (though won't be the first child who has). It wouldn't be entirely because of Annie though, although I am concerned Annie could end up injuring my Dd (she's smacked her over the head with a water bottle before).

Would people see how things settle having had a word with the coach?

Does your DD also like to be first? Sounds like there's a bit of competition between them?
Maybe if the other girls were a bit more chill about going first, conflict would be avoided?

My dd does like to get there first, but always waits patiently in line if she doesn't get there first and would never be physically aggressive towards others. I can see what you are saying, but it's always been whoever gets there first goes first. I don't think Annie should get preferential treatment on this. It's also not the only time she has been aggressive towards Dd (and others). For example, Annie doesn't like it when other children do better than her at something.

I would tell your daughter to get the upper hand and WALK calmly when asked to go somewhere (unless explicitly instructed to run). Who cares if she is last - she will get a turn. The first will be last and the last first etc. She can then say to Annie 'you go ahead - I can then learn from your mistakes'.
And she needs to stop messing about during practice.

It sounds like they were all at fault. Why did your daughter feel the need to put her foot on the equipment? Sounds like this antagonised Annie. Also what about all the other children who are not getting the coaches attention when your daughter is being 'a bit silly and not listening'.

There's possibly another parent looking to move away from the session because of drama that your daughter is part of. I agree with the coach.

By putting her foot on the equipment, it's a step to climb on. They're meant to be prepared to go as soon as the coach gets there. It was definitely not to antagonise Annie. Annie was a long way off when she first got there. My Dd would probably have been told off if she was in the front and wasn't ready to go. My Dd is still primary age and training sessions are an hour and a half long. She occasionally gets a bit silly and giggly with her friend, but by no means all the time and not every session. I think this is normal childhood behavior, though I do remind her to listen when she does this. She is a child though and not a robot.

lol, OF COURSE it was to antagonise Annie!! You skimmed very quickly over ‘dd got there first and put her foot on the equipment’ in your op, but I’m fairly sure if Annie got there first you would have worded that totally different. This absolutely sounds like 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other; and you sound utterly oblivious to your own dds part in this. And, actually, of the two, Annie is the only one who has the diagnosis which does mean she struggles to wait. She will learn this in time.

My Dd actually got there first because funny enough she was listening. She literally just walked up and got ready to step on as she is supposed to. Annie regularly gets there first and will also put her foot on the step ready to get on, as they all do if they're there first, because that's what they're supposed to do. Yes I could write an essay as to what has happened, but I am trying not to be too outing.

I appreciate Annie has a diagnosis. Does that make it ok for her to be physically violent towards other people? If you went to a sport and was being physically attacked, having water bottles smacked hard over your head, would you say it's fine they have ADHD.

I don't see why being first is in any way antagonistic. DD doesn't have to always go second to appease Annie!

I'd be clear to the coach that she should not be telling off all 3 of them when only one of them did something wrong. And I'd consider asking for the safeguarding policy if DD is regularly getting attacked by Annie.

If the coach doesn't particularly like your child and isn't stopping Annie's bad behaviour, I would move your child to the activity on the other day. Life's too short to put up with bullies and mismangement.

This is not untypical behaviour for their age, ADHD will be behind some of Annie's behaviour and the club no doubt will do all it can but chances are your DD and Annie will continue to clash. Violence is unacceptable.
Either deal with any (minor) incident as it happens or move your DD if you think she can't be kept safe.

Thank you @TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened I was starting to think I was going mad. The amount of people saying my Dd was being antagonistic just for doing what she was supposed to be doing. I totally agree that the coach shouldn't be telling off all 3 of them when only one did something wrong. Good advice regarding the Safe Guarding Policy too.

Thanks @C152. You might be right moving to another day might be the best option. It's a pain as there are a number of reasons why this day works best for us, but hey.

@Beamur thanks also. Yes, some of the behavior will be down to ADHD. I have explained this to Dd. My Dd has tried to be friendly with Annie and funnily Annie seems to like Dd when she isn't attacking her, but yes the violence isn't acceptable. My Dd isn't the only child Annie has been violent to. Other children have moved days because of Annie.

How old are they? I have ADHD (fairly severe but not diagnosed or supported until adulthood) and any violent outbursts were mostly under control by the time I was 4 or 5. Attacking other children certainly wasn't routine after that age and in fact I haven't come across many ADHD children who are just going around attacking other children every week.

My child knows that if someone is physical with her then she needs to retaliate.

Children like Annie continue to get away with this behavior because nobody teaches their children to hit back these days.

@TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened Thanks for sharing your experience. Annie is 10. Yes I did think putting it down to ADHD was doing people with ADHD a disservice. Some of Annie's behavior is probably down to ADHD, but maybe there is more going on. She is possibly the most competitive child I have ever come across to the point she doesn't seem to be able accept anyone doing something better than her. My Dd and Annie have very different strengths and weaknesses. When they're doing one of my Dd's strengths, Annie doesn't seem to be able to cope.

Oh this kind of thing makes my blood boil! Annie sounds as if she's struggling in some aspects, but that shouldn't be your dds problem.