How much childcare do you do?

[Nowheretogo1985]

Hi just wondering if im being unreasonable...
I have two children 9 and 6. Husband works long hours and leaves house at 6.30am, coming home for 5.30pm. That leaves me to:

Drop children off at breakfast club each morning at 8am so I can be in work for 8.15am
Collect them every day at 4.45pm
Make tea for everyone
Sort out uniforms, bags and water bottles for the next day
Take my daughter to a club on a Tuesday
Take my son to a club on a weds

Im honestly exhausted. I do only work 4 days so at least I have one day off from the rat race. But im going to bed at 8pm when I put my 9 year old to bed because I am so tired 😴
Husband has a stressful job that pays fairly well and he baths them and does the dishes but I feel the childcare rests solely with me and I feel like its unfair?? What's it like in your household?

You have him home in the evening! My husband is a shift worker so he gets home from work about 1am. I get them up, do breakfast etc, he then gets up at the last min and takes them to school at 8.30am, I work (from home) from 8.30-3pm. He leaves for his job around 2pm. I then pick them up and do the whole evening routine alone. On his days off he does all the bath time and bedtime etc to give me a break, but I’m exhausted too. I see a glimmer of light in that 8yo is increasingly easy to get to do things eg go to bed so it’s more of a routine and less of a battle to get through it all - but my youngest ia only 5 so there’s along long way to go.

Also we earn pretty equally (him a bit more, but only by about £10k) so I can’t even work less myself as a counterbalance

Everything because I'm a single mum, but I only have one dc. I work full time.

It isn't the work so much as the relentlessness of it all, I sympathise. I've done every school run for more than a decade because we're rural so I drop ds at the school bus. I've cooked every meal, ironed every shirt.

It's the mental load too, dealing with schools, illness, exam stress, birthdays, holidays, clothes, shoes, food..

The only thing that helped me was running, as soon as ds was old enough to leave for 40 mins. It gave me quiet thinking time, fresh air and improved my fitness so I don't get so tired.

You need to carve out a little time that is reserved for you, somehow.

If he is come at 5.30 ehy can’t he do water bottles and uniform? Although other that washing water bottles I’m not sure what needs doing every day

Can he do the clubs since he’s home in the evenings? Have you tried batch cooking so you don’t have to cook weekdays? I might be concerned about being this tired unless you work a particularly physical job. Have you seen your GP to make sure that nothing is going on?

It sounds like you are holding all the mental load. You presumably work shorter hours and/or have a shorter commute than your DH, so it's understandable more falls to you, but the constant rushing is tiring.

It sounds like your DH is home fairly early, and not much after you. He should be an equal partner in the evenings and not just helping you. Do you feel he is?

I would start a conversation along the lines of 'we're both tired, what can we do to make things easier?' Can you train the kids to take on tasks (depending on age) e.g. packing bags, making sandwiches? Can you cook double at the weekend to make the week easier? Can you share the load e.g. of the clubs?

I would be concerned about tired you are tbh. Gettting home at 5.30pm is normal and he is there for most of the evening. And your kids aren’t that tiny anymore.

And you have a day off to yourself which most of us don’t have!

Also doesn’t take long to sort uniform and water bottle.

Sorry i’m not getting it.

Use Sunday as an admin day where you can both pitch in and tackle the week ahead.

Have all uniform for kids and your work stuff ironed and hung up.

Meal plan and do the food shop/have it delivered. Batch cook some things so you have a few evenings in the week where you’re not thing about having to make dinner. (a big bolognese, chilli, curry) make sure you also have 1 or 2 “easy” dinners included. Something pre made or that can be shoved in the oven and sort itself.

Your kids can do things like re fill sawyer bottles themselves.

Speak to your husband and let him know how tired you are and see what you can come up with together. Could you drop another day? Have him do 1/2 school drop offs a week?

If you mean child related jobs then I do most of it. Dh does maybe 1 pick up a week and cooks 1 or 2 meals that I planned. Im not sure your dh hours are particularly long, although maybe longer than yours.

We have 3 children, one is autistic. I often get into bed before 10 and rarely stay up until 11.

There’s no reason at all your husband can’t take up the evening tasks as he’s home at 5:30. That’s pretty early to be back for a FT worker.

I’m out the house 7:30-6:30. DH does drop offs every morning. We sort the evening stuff together.

I would be investigating with your GP why you are so exhausted you need to go to bed at 8pm to be honest.

He's home in the evenings so surely he can cook, do the club run and sort the clothes/water bottles? It's a pretty normal time for someone to be getting home from work.

My kids are teens now, but when they were at primary school DH was working long hours and I was working part time, so I did all the drop offs and pick ups and all the cooking, washing up and laundry, but I did have 2 days off each week.

I wouldn't call getting home at 5.30 long hours though? My DH would have been 7 or later.

It is relentless.

You do need to make sure you have time for you also. I usually have a couple of nights a week either out walking with a friend or going yoga/pilates. I usually make dinner and leave other half the basic cooking instructions and go. I think if I didn’t have that time I would go crazy.

Have you had your iron levels checked op to rule that out as a cause for your exhaustion?

Why the need to sort uniforms every evening for the next day ? I do my washing on the weekend sort uniform ready for the next week.

I'm a sahm and DH is out of the house 8.30-5.30, but he still manages to pull his weight in the mornings and after work. We have 2 dcs and he sorts out uniform, bags and breakfast, and their breaktime snacks. I only really get myself ready in the morning, and we both drop off the dcs as school is on the way to his office. I do the dishwasher, grocery shops and cleaning during the day, take dcs to 5 after school activities through the week and prep dinners and packed lunches at weekends. We tend to eat at 5.30pm so there isn't time for him to cook, though he does cook at weekends.

DH and I both help with homework, music practice and reading, usually one of us is with one child. He does most bathtimes and we do one child each for bedtime. So it's busy and tiring for both of us. I tend to stay up late (got to bed at 3am last night, which is later than usual but 2am is normal for me).
Neither of us take out time for ourselves without the dcs - our preference, as it is always easier to have 2 parents on hand. But weekend time is leisure time as a family, as I get our chores done in the week, and my time to myself is during the school day or when dcs are asleep.

That just sounds like a normal day. Surely, no one with a full time job is home before 5:30pm? I used to work in London and was out of the house by 6am and not home til 8pm. That’s a long day! (Dh did everything those days). But having to parent your own children between 3:30-5:30pm if you work quite part time is normal? 🤷🏻‍♀️

To answer your question, I do morning school run and I collect them at 3:30. My dd has sports training from 4:45pm til 9pm (!!) 3 days a week and sometimes on a Saturday. I also have advanced cancer. I am tired and unwell because of the cancer, but family life is quite easy. It’s just a few hours a day looking after my own children. And dh isn’t necessarily home/finished working by 5:30 (for example, tonight he won’t get home til 7/7:30pm).

Surely, if your Dh is home at 5:30pm, he can be doing lots of the running around. My dc’s activities don’t finish til 7-9pm, so I do the drop off, Dh picks up. He can cook dinner since you’ve done everything 3-5:30pm. He can sort out the bags. He can do baths and bedtime. Full time working shouldn’t interfere with any of that as it all happens in the evening and compared to most he’s getting home fairly early.

Edited to add: you only pick them up at 4:45am? 🤣 So you have to parent solo for 46 minutes each afternoon. While only working part time and having a whole day off to yourself every week? 😳 This has to be a wind up.

It just sounds like a normal day, here we both work FT DH does 8-4 and I do 9-5. Kids are 10 and 6 so similar aged to yours.

I do mornings, breakfast and school drop off.
They get collected by DH at 4:30 from wraparound and he empties washing machine, vacuums round and does homework with little.
I get home at 5:30 and I make dinner - usually served around 6/6:15. Oldest DS lays the table.
Uniforms are sorted on a Sunday for the week, Bags take 2 seconds to look in, see whats there and hang up by the door - each child does this themselves and passes us any messages, water bottles they also do themselves and put in the fridge.
We have swim lessons on Tuesday night, I have a gym class and DS1 has a kickboxing session on a Wednesday, DH goes to the gym on a Thursday. One of us often goes out with friends on Fridays. All of these are at around 6/6:60 - club days its slow cooker or omelettes for dinner. Weekends Saturday morning are clubs for which DH and I divide and conquer, Sundays usually a fmaily day of getting on top of the house and a roast and a walk out.

Kids go upstairs around 7:30, lights out at 8:30 and they're both asleep by 9. both up at 7.

I really don't think there's anything super exhausting about your timetable, I'd maybe look deeper into that.

He gets home at 5.30, that's EARLY for a full time worker. I don't understand why everything is falling to you.

It doesn’t sound too awful but I empathise as the relentlessness can grind you down sometimes. Plus, you’re doing the drop off every day, which is my least favourite bit about parenting. I quite enjoy a solo evening, but getting my 4, 2 and 10mo out of the house on time is often quite… un-relaxing.

I’m not sure what you’re doing with uniforms in the evenings though? Can you iron a week’s worth in one go whilst watching something or listening to a podcast? Then just stick them all in the wardrobe. My 4yo is very capable of getting his own uniform sorted in the morning.