Is this bad parenting? ..

[Emerald4567]

I went to soft play to meet two friends with their children. My DS is 22 months and as soon as he saw they were there the meltdowns began. Not just a small meltdown, they were lying on the floor, uncontrollably crying.

I said other people are allowed to be here, mummy is allowed to speak to other people (not that he understands). I'd only been there 30 mins and it continued so I said we are going home and I did.

This is not the first time this has happened. I met another friend for a playdate and my DS cried for a whole hour. This time I felt myself getting tearful and I thought it's not fair on the other people there to sit through a tantrum for a whole hour.

I really feel at my wits end. I don't understand it. Is this the best approach to just leave every time or do I stay and let them have a tantrum for the whole hour?

Why on earth are people jumping to “on the spectrum”? The OP has said repeatedly that her child is absolutely fine at softplay. He’s not overwhelmed and it’s not too noisy, so why are posters so bloody quick to assume he’s autistic?

He’s basically just jealous. He wants OP’s undivided attention and doesn’t like it when he doesn’t get it. Having a tantrum ensures that OP doesn’t get to spend time with her friends, so as far as he’s concerned mission accomplished. It really isn’t any deeper than that.

How was it a punishment when he was upset and wanted to leave?

Going to a nursery/childminder would likely help him with socialising and his attachment issues

Did he stop crying when you left?

That’s why asked what the purpose was, I thought with the Mum’s feeling guilty for leaving it’s wasn’t clear. Did you read the other posts between the OP and myself?

Have you offered the OP any advice yourself?

Doesn’t go to nursery at all? That may help with becoming a bit more independent and also playing and interacting with other children. My dd is on the ASD and ADHD pathway and nursery was really good for her and it meant the transition to school wasn’t as hard as it could have been.

Just re him not playing with other children, but being fine playing alongside them (when he does have you to himself). That's totally normal at 22 months. Isn't it? My DS didn't start really interacting with other children much until he was at least 3, and he was at nursery all day. Btw he's now 4 and very sociable with other kids. 22 months is just too young to expect that.

Re leaving when he wasn't getting over a tantrum: don't know what other option you had. But maybe you could try going outside and calming him down, and then suggesting with him that you go back in together?

It gets easier the more you and he can communicate with each other with words! Hang in there!

My question is - when you go alone do you go and play with him? My DD is two and a half and she won’t play independently at soft play yet (can’t wait!) so I would guess that may be the problem. I can’t think of many children under two who’d go off and happily play while mum has a chat (I’m not having a go; I can’t wait!) to be honest - that’s normally three plus.

Just for balance, I have very close friends whose 2 year old was just like this. He never spoke to another child, and would scream or attack them- it went on for agessevercal years in one form or another, and his mother was sure he was on the spectrum. He was flagged up by nursery, etc.

He just slowly grew out of it and had a great social life as a teenager and at Uni.. he now is one of the most gregarious, open, friendly people I know, currently finishing a second degree and engaged to his lovely girlfriend.

I had one of these. I gave up on soft play as it was just too hard work and DD did not enjoy it (unless there were no other children bothering her)
She was never sociable with other children - had friends at school but very strict rules about who she would actually speak to outside of school.
Particularly disliked one of my friends and her DS after I made the cardinal mistake of holding the baby in front of her.
Was told off for talking to people when out shopping (strident small voice from the shopping trolley) - I could go on.
Not an only child but extremely resistant to sharing, intensely possessive of me (less so Dad) and not great at social interaction with other children until older.
Assessed for ASD. CAHMS assessed her as scoring highly on tests for social anxiety and attachment anxiety as well - she used to get very homesick when away for more than a few days.
It did get easier as she got older, but we had to start from a place of security before she could work towards learning how to let go a bit 😄

You need to give him six months off, do something else.

Basically you are asking 'should I make my young child cry in order to see my friends in this specific venue?' - obviously the answer can only be no.

Being fine there alone is irrelevant.

Find something else to do with your friends.

I think you were probably right to leave. My little boy doesn’t like me socialising either - I usually spend the whole session the complete opposite side of the room to my friends. He's 25 months now, on Friday we went to a softplay and I stayed away from them but we went for a coffee all together after and he was happy sitting at the table with his lunch so I got a five min chat in!

They are not 'attachment issues' as the child is 22 months.

It is more of an issue for a child not to have strong attachment at under two years old.

Think nursery norms have distorted thinking here.

Agree - mine goes to nursery and would be exactly the same if I tried to socialise with my friends with him!

This is common at this age, though. Look up all the social development norms for his age - being good at playing with others can often come quite a bit later.

Just to echo everyone else - this is not unusual behaviour. He's not old enough to be consciously manipulative but he's telling you he's not happy. Some kids would be fine some won't - yours wasn't - but another time, another day, could be different.
Personally I think it's good parenting to take him out and not stay in a place your child is clearly telling you they're not happy in. It's more pleasant for everyone else too not to have a wailing child there. Yes, sometimes this means you don't get to socialise.

I don’t know re removing him, isn’t that just teaching him if he kicks off he gets what he wants ie you to himself?

I would set an expectation before you go, ‘we’re going to see our friends and I want you to play nicely’ if he kicks off I’d move him to one side until he calms down. Then repeat the above.