Is this bad parenting? ..

[Emerald4567]

I went to soft play to meet two friends with their children. My DS is 22 months and as soon as he saw they were there the meltdowns began. Not just a small meltdown, they were lying on the floor, uncontrollably crying.

I said other people are allowed to be here, mummy is allowed to speak to other people (not that he understands). I'd only been there 30 mins and it continued so I said we are going home and I did.

This is not the first time this has happened. I met another friend for a playdate and my DS cried for a whole hour. This time I felt myself getting tearful and I thought it's not fair on the other people there to sit through a tantrum for a whole hour.

I really feel at my wits end. I don't understand it. Is this the best approach to just leave every time or do I stay and let them have a tantrum for the whole hour?

No, it’s good parenting. He was clearly unhappy, you were stressed and it was the right thing to go home.

It sounds like you were punishing him for being upset. Were you wanting to hide that he was upset or were you taking him home because he wasn’t happy in the environment? Why was he so upset?

It's good parenting to remove the child from the situation, no matter how you look at it. If he is stressed by the situation you are removing him from it. If it's temper because your friends are there, you are removing him from the play, so he doesn't get to dictate what happens.

Could it be that he finds busy places over-stimulating?

@Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep I do worry that maybe I am being too harsh but the main reason i left is because he was upset and I didn't see it getting better so what's the point in staying.

I honestly think the reason he is acting like this is because he doesn't like me speaking to my friends, and he doesn't like being forced to be around other children in close proximity.

I feel like I'm not allowed to see anyone for playdates as this is how he acts. I already feel lonely and now with this as well. Do I just stop going to playdates if this is how he going to act.

I think sometimes bailing out of a situation is the best option, it's not a punishment, it's just what needs doing in the moment.

@Pearlstillsinging thank you that reassures me it was the right thing to do. It's just whether I continue to arrange playdates now if this is going to cause this type of reaction every time.

I know he doesn't like busy places, but me and my friends literally had the whole soft play to ourselves so it wasn't busy.

I was there by myself and as soon as they walked in the door he cried, so I really do think it's because my friends were there with their children. Maybe because he has to share me?

Don't get me wrong I don't stand there the whole time talking to them, I follow DS around mostly, but I stop and have an occasional chat before running off again.

I just don't know how to manage this going forward.

What happens when you have play dates at home? Where he can toddle off and play with his toys quietly by himself if he wants to?

he doesn't like being forced to be around other children in close proximity this is fair enough, isn't it? He's upset because you're putting him in a situation he finds overwhelming.

Do I just stop going to playdates if this is how he going to act playdates are firstly for the child's benefit - so they do need to not make him upset.

Soft play is too much for many small children, it is loud, bright, hectic, rough.

Maybe you need some quieter playdates? At your house for example, or walking with them in their pushchairs.

You seem angry with him, but he's done nothing wrong - he's just telling you he is unhappy.

I totally understand your reaction and I think it's a fair response. This is a difficult situation. I'd definitely want to find a way to make this work though. He does need to get used to sharing you and being around other kids.

Could you try going early? Mine need time to settle in and warm up so i try to allow for that. Or allow her to sit on my laptop for the first 10-15 min until she's ready to go off on her own.

I think you did the right thing - but just because he acts like that now, doesn't mean he always will, or that you can't teach him coping strategies or meet the need that's making him feel this way.

If he doesn't want to share you, maybe look for advice on how to deal with that as a separate issue and gradually get him used to it.

@AnneLovesGilbert if I have playdates at home he will either stay near me or wander off, he never wants to be near the other child.

I did just have a friend over the other day who doesn't have children, and he was fine. Although when I said friend was going he was virtually pushing her out the door 😂

@newornotnew me and DH will take him to that exact soft play and he is absolutely fine, so it's definitely something to do with my friends and their children being there.

You are totally right if he doesn't like it then it's not his fault and I do feel bad if it is upsetting him that much, but isn't it something I should try and get him used to?

it's nice to have company sometimes and adult conversation being a stay at home mum and I know that is selfish of me, so do I have to accept he doesn't like it and not meet friends anymore? And try again when he is much older, like a year or so?

@Sauvignonblanket thank you that's good advice. I will look up specifically advice for getting kids used to sharing you as I do think potentially it is.

Maybe I will just have to pause playdates for the meantime and try again when he is older.

Then I think you did the right thing.

Softplays are very loud. Could it have been the environment it’self?

What other things do you do eg toddler groups. I’m just wondering if it’s you talking to others, other children, different environments or a mixture of everything.

My DS was like this as a baby/toddler. Hated other children, didn’t interact, meltdowns all the time. Swimming, parties, parks etc were a no no. I knew something was different and I fought for 3 years to get his assessed for Autism. He was diagnosed at 5 with Asperger’s syndrome. Not saying that’s the case with your son, however it might be something to consider that he’s neurodivergent and not just “acting up”

I'd do more hosting rather than cut myself and him off from other people. Children of his age don't tend to play together - they play side by side - so don't worry if they seem to ignore one another. Invite one friend round at a time. Would your friends be happy to help by inviting just you and your DC the their homes so he can get used to being with others in different, smaller, less noisy places? He may be very clingy, but as long as he's not screaming, I'd just let him be. Let him know he's safe - sit on the floor with him or have him on your lap, cuddle him. He will get better, but it will take longer if he doesn't have the opportunities to learn that he can feel safe when other people are around.

@Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep I go to other groups, such as baby church group, bouncy castle session at leisure centre, parks.

If I dont meet people there then he is generally fine. He doesn't interact with any other children. He will sit near them and play, but he does prefer his personal space. If say another child was on a slide about to go down he wouldn't go on it until there was no other child on it.

I do think he doesn't like me speaking to people as I've had it before where I've bumped into someone I know of and had a quick chit chat and he was trying to push me away. He generally won't stay around when I'm talking to someone and he will run off and do his own thing.

So I'm unsure really. I do think maybe it is sharing me or feeling restricted in that he doesn't want to wait around while I'm talking.

He does seem to have some understanding and comprehension though, the example you give of your visitor leaving he completely understood. I would go to soft play again and explain before that you are going and that you will be talking to adults. My nephew can be a tricky boy always wants my sisters complete undivided attention and I have said to him when my sister visits that we will be having some chats and that he will be playing!

@vixen996 thank you for your insight. I have actually spoken to my DH as I think there are some things our DS does that make me think perhaps he could be on the spectrum.

My DH admitted that he had noticed too but didn't want me to speak to health visitors as feels it's too early.

But this does make me worry more as I wonder if I'm handling it right. If he is and the whole time I have been telling him off thinking he is acting out I would feel awful. As a parent with a child with autism how did you handle these situations? Did you always just leave? What did you end up doing as activities with your child

@MrsWallers yes, you are right perhaps he does have more understanding of things then I think so I will definitely do this next time to see if it makes a difference. Thank you

I would explain before you go that you’re going to the play centre to meet friends. He doesn’t need to play with them and you will be there with him. See his reaction to that. Playing with other children does come later. Just keep explaining we get to go to the play centre because we’re meet such-and-such. I’m sure it will improve as he gets older, and you are allowed friends and some time to chat. It could be that he has alternative needs but it worth encouraging him to play alone. He needs to get used to occupying himself at home without your constant interaction maybe, and see that he can play on his own without mummy. Hope all goes well xxx

my child was like this at 22 months. He was like this from when he was a tiny baby, hated to be around other children.
He is now 31 months and I’m glad to say he has made lots of progress. We can now go to soft play and he will play happily alongside other children. We also go to playgroup once a week for a 2 hour session (I stay the whole time) and he wanders off to play with the toys as soon as he gets there. He will happily play alongside the other kids.
What worked for me was to keep exposing my child to other children at soft play or wherever but if he didn’t want to go near them that was ok. Gradually he warmed up to the idea of getting closer (mostly to play with the toys)
When he cried and screamed I reassured him it was ok. I interacted and spoke with the other children there so he could see they were not scary.
If he cried and screamed too much and asked to go home I would take him home. But I did keep taking him. Even if we were only there half an hour.

My child was/is like this but it’s definitely got better as he’s got older, he’s also being assessed for Autism/ADHD. Ignore the comments about play dates being for kids etc- they’re also for you as a mum to get to speak to other mums, form friendships and not go insane! That doesn’t make you a bad person for wanting that, especially as a SAHM.

I think you’re doing all the right things, do you have a friend that has a child of a similar age you could maybe invite to your house? Maybe start small and see what situations are particularly triggering for him to have a meltdown? Other mums should absolutely be sympathetic to your situation as we have all been there when our kids are playing up.

My son finds play dates at other peoples houses okay as well so maybe give that a try if you have any friends you’re able to suggest that with? Less children there the better so that he’s less overwhelmed

Are you giving him comfort to settle him? I'd sit DS on my knee for a good half an hour and sometimes he'd just stay sat on us during the whole time.

It's a phase, you're his attachment figure. Don't punish him, he'll grow out of it. He's making sense of the world.

@Emerald4567 firstly, don’t feel bad. Parenting is hard and even harder with a SEN child. When ds was younger, I often found distractions helped, however there were just some things we couldn’t go to, without him being extremely upset. It got better over time and now he is a happy 14 year old with a great group of mates. Does your son go to nursery yet? Or any playgroups? It’s not too early to speak to a HV because it can take years for a diagnosis so the earlier you get the ball rolling the better