Not on the same page

[Makingdobadly]

Don’t know what to think… my husband and I are at loggerheads over how we parent our children, specifically my 10 year old daughter! She is on the pathway for adhd but isn’t yet diagnosed and im not sure if she even needs to be really as she is who she is but also I want to make sure we’ve got the correct support for her etc…but my other half has zero understanding about her behaviour and cannot cope with how she is! I am constantly playing referee between them both, he says that she plays on it and is much worse when I’m around ( I work away 8 days of the month) I feel he has no patience and quite frankly can be a bit too rough with her, like yday for example I didn’t see what happened but I heard the commotion, she was being wild about something had been winding her brother up and rather than trying to calm her down and listen apparently he got her cheeks and squeezed them together to get her to stop, she comes running in to me saying daddy hurt her, he comes in saying she’s being ridiculous and he barely touched her and I’ve got no idea as didn’t see it! This time is was resolved pretty quickly but this is happening all the time and I’m sick of it! They both can be really competitive with each other and sometimes the things he says about her in front of her aswell just doesn’t sit right with me, he will call her crazy, he will call her a baby, he will call her an idiot, and so on and then on the flip side he will do anything for her and she is like I love you so much daddy etc… help a confused and stressed mama out is this normal parenting or am I missing something?

Normal parenting? It’s not normal anything. Your husband is an abusive prick and you should be protecting your daughter. If you don’t, who will?

He sounds vile. Regardless of whether not your DD has ADHD, he shouldn’t be "squeezing her cheeks" or calling her names. You really need a serious discussion with him. As for her telling him how much she loves him, it sounds like a classic case of a daughter desperate for affection from her father.

Whether or not you do indulge her and make too many excuses for her, resulting in more bad behaviour, we can’t tell. But even if she does have ADHD she has to learn to live with other people, and most of the other people in the world won’t make special allowances for her.

Would you think it was okay if your partner squeezed your face to make you shut up and listen, as well as call you stupid and crazy? So why the fuck do you for one moment think it’s okay for an adult to do this to a child?

That’s abuse.

The name calling needs to stop immediately and the face squeezing wtf, not normal and way too aggressive. He needs to read up on ADHD kids. Maybe she’s better when you’re not around because she’s scared of him?

He’s called me stupid and crazy plenty of times, I’m used to it! Yes I know this doesn’t sound good, believe me I’m having therapy as my life is miserable and I thought I was depressed etc…the trouble I have is that most of the time I don’t see it, it’s her against him and I know what your going to say as I’m writing this, but when your living in this situation it’s much harder - believe me!

Have you discussed this issue with your therapist?

I’ve asked several times for him to read up on it or go to a parenting class, he doesn’t believe in it! Doesn’t think adhd is a thing! Yes he’s stubborn snd very opinionated on what he thinks is wright or wrong!

No but I most definitely will be doing!

Is this the life you want for your daughter?

No not at all, but if we split he gets 50/50 custody and then will have them alone and I have zero control over what he does when he’s with them. How is that better? And believe me he would get 50/50 and probably make my life a living hell to the point where he would get full custody! How is that any better?

With the face squeezing thing, did you challenge him? You sound very worn down but you need to look at this from an outside perspective. Maybe ask your partner how he would explain it to school if she confides on a teacher? Would he stand by his actions? Hopefully not.

This really needs to stop OP. What is it that is keeping you in the relationship?

Ok read your update. Do his work commitments allow him to have the children 50% of the time? If that is what is stopping you from ending this then it’s time to start documenting everything. Start building a case so that when the time comes, you will be in a stronger position.

Sadly, by staying you aren’t protecting her either.

Yes, this. Compile a case against him. Involve school or SS if need be. It is less likely he will get unsupervised contact if you have a case against him. I know it is hard when you are involved with someone like this, but you do have the power to make sure it stops here and avoid intergenerational trauma. Break the cycle.

Squeeze his cheeks and call him names next time he is worked up. Because that's how you calm people down obviously.

Yes unfortunately his work commitments would allow him 50/50! I do challenge him on his behaviour all the time, probably why our relationship is so bad currently! He doesn’t see what he’s doing is wrong! He doesn’t see how the name calling has an impact either! The physical interactions are not that often and yday he said that she was over reacting and he barely touched her but I didn’t see it! The only other time where I thought he went too far was an occasion last summer in the garden and I went mad at him but then he makes me look like im in the wrong! I know writing this sounds awful! There are good moments aswell and financially together we can provide them a great life, loads of holidays etc.. but if the day to day is awful then what’s the point! He earns way more than I do, fear is what’s keeping me here!

I guess all you can do then is try to keep her away from him as much as possible and continue to challenge him every time. It’s bloody miserable though. I wouldn’t trust him alone with her.

Exactly why i am so miserable! Thankfully she has a phone now, for all the bad press they get I’m grateful that when I am away she can still stay in contact with me!

I read this with interest as my DH and I are at loggerheads over our daughters needs- I am have much more empathy for her overwhelm/needs so more supportive will negotiate with her and let her ‘off the hook’ when it’s too much for her, whereas DH is more old fashioned as in we are the parents and she must to as she’s told, and raises his voice/is inflexible when she doesn’t do as she’s told which escalates the situation, often ending up in tears and taking ages to calm her down.

however if he ever once called her names like stupid or idiot, or was aggressive towards her he would no longer be my husband unless he made significant changes- You need to get him into some parenting classes or therapy so he can work out his issues - must be very traumatising for your daughter to deal with bullying like this from her dad, esp if she has adhd on top to cope with.