Help with boundaries & sillyness

[Harrietruderbeger]

I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years my SD is 15. She and her mum are very playful with each other, often talking the whole day to each other in foreign accents or singing the same song over and over. It’s like they are best friends. I sometimes feel like the only grown up around. I’m happy to play board games for a while and have fun chats but not silly voices especially not now SD is past toddler stage. I find the behaviour strange and tend to carry on with whatever I’m doing whilst they are playing but am criticised for not being fun of spontaneous.

Additionally they are in close physical contact most of the time. For example they slept in the same bed until my SD was about 13, If I’m on a video call with my partner my SD will come on the camera and be making silly faces or biting her mums ear or kissing her, we don’t get a private call. My partner is the same with her daughter if the situation is reversed.

My SD will follow her mum to the bathroom they share things, products, body scrubs, food. .SD comes into our bedroom without knocking. I want privacy in the bedroom my partner doesn’t need any. I’d like separate time away from our daughter for adult conversations and to have boundaries and rules around the house. Perhaps a set time at night after which it’s adults only time.

I think my partner encourages my SD to be childish and this is damaging our relationship and SD development . My partner also lets SD do whatever she wants, very permissive. SD has been sleeping with her BF since age 14 & is on the pill. So SD is engaging is very adult behaviour outside of the home and childish behaviour inside the home. I’m so confused.

I’ve talked about my discomfort with the situation but nothing really changes. It’s gone on for a long time but I’ve always hung on hoping that as my SD matured her behaviour would also and that my partner and I could have some more adult time.

I love both my partner and SD. Does anyone have any incite into the situation or experienced something similar. Kind advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

This sounds really hard, and I think you're right to be worried about how your partner refuses to let your SD grow and develop into an adult and encourages the dependency on her while not providing much support with navigating relationships outside the house (I am assuming that's the same with all grown up stuff like school work, career ideas, health etc but correct me if I'm wrong). I don't know how you go about getting her to see that her role is not to be the childish best friend but a parent and mentor to allow her daughter to fulfil her potential and have the skills and confidence to do so.

They sound incredibly annoying. I think you should leave them.

Is the problem here that you feel that they are the primary relationship and you are the subordinate third wheel, so you feel jealous (as you expected that would be your SD's position in the household at this stage, not yours)?

You do need your own privacy in your room and the ability to have a conversation (but not every or even most conversations) with your partner without your SD listening, but a lot of the stuff like sharing food/bath products and having a close, playful relationship isn't a red flag. The 14yr old sex is though!

They sound very enmeshed op and that's going to be hard for everyone because there's roles they've become reliant on fulfilling and changing those will be daunting for them.

I would actually suggest couples counselling because while normally I would say you need to prioritise your child over your other relationships, this doesn't sound healthy either.

The only thing I would say is that you can't expect a 15 year old to hide away in their own home while you have 'adult time'. That's not fair or realistic but there is no reason why you and your partner can't go out on dates to provide you with that time alone - I would take the lead and plan this and then start to alternate it.

There absolutely needs to be boundaries in place - you are not her parent and your partner can't expect you all to act like you are eg walking into the bedroom without knocking where you could be changing.

I think you need to weigh up how seriously you feel about this and then sit partner down and be very direct and ask for counselling together because there's issues here that sound deeply rooted for your partner.

Thank you for the responses it’s helping me think over a few things.

Thank you for your input I do think it damages my Dads confidence and holds her back . I’ll have a think.

Does she have any additional needs at all? Because it’s certainly not normal to share a bed with your mum till you’re 13. And it’s quite worrying that she’s jumped from sharing a bed with her mum to having sex at 14 with her bf. But there definitely needs to be a mother/daughter relationship and things need to get stricter. It’s alright to be best friends with your mum but there’s too much going on.