Am I a terrible mam?

[MammyofTwoB]

I am finding motherhood very irritating and anger provoking, I'm currently in a cycle of rage where I snap and yell at my kids and I'm sometimes rough. This then follows with extreme guilt and thoughts that I'm damaging my children and I'm not a good mam.

For example we've been to a play place today and had a lovely time but both before and after at home I've found myself very snappy, when we got back we brought food and my son was crying needed a wee but won't go anywhere in the house alone from fears, my daughter is crying because she wants her dinner so I get mad shouting to go by himself or wait 2 mins while I give his sister her dinner then rush him when I do follow him. My daughter has been sleeping amazing these days after 19 months of waking pretty much every hour and yesterday she refused to nap and it ruined her night sleep and she was trying to refuse her nap again today again which made me angry and desperate and resulted in both of us crying before she finally went down.

These are just some examples but I find it hard to control my rage and shout and get mean and I really don't want to be that type of parent. I keep saying I need to change and need to control it but then we're right back here again.

Sorry for the long winded post, any tips anyone please? My little ones are almost 4 and 2 and I love them so much just disappointed in myself

Can you ask your health visitor for support. It's good you recognise that you need to do something.

You need professional help, you don't want to risk losing your kids to Social Services

You sound like you're feeling overwhelmed and over stimulated. It is really hard being a mum especially to two young kids so believe me you're not alone.
You might benefit from some anti depressants and it's also not a bad idea to get your bloods checked in case there is any deficiency that might be lowering your overall tolerance levels/resources. Maybe make a GP appointment.
Again, you're not alone

OP I had this and it was post-natal depression. Sometimes it displays as rage. When I threw something across the room in a rage and it scared my children, I knew I had to do something. I saw the GP, had CBT and was prescribed sertraline. These days I am calmer and happier.

You are shouting at children who need the toilet and who are hungry after a day out. It's not great is it. They arent even being naughty. They're just hungry and needing the toilet.

Do you get any breaks from them or time to yourself? Are they in nursery or childcare?
Great that you are taking them out but before and after sounded problematic.
Maybe look at actual examples like that and think what could you have done differently to help next time?
Maybe make sure your son goes for a wee before leaving the play place and they could have had a healthy snack on the way back. Things would have been calmer then for all of you.
Don’t try to fix everything at once. If your son won’t go to the bathroom alone work on this using lots of positive praise and some rewards. You could stand at the door and gradually move further away over time. Could he be a helper and bring you things where you are looking after your DD.
It is a first step recognising that things are not OK. Hope you can get some help and support and that things start to improve.

I already take antidepressants, it actually does cause rage in some people the specific one im prescribed.. have read a few reviews of people saying so, so could look into changing

Speak to your GP and see what they can do to help. What do you mean by being ‘rough’ with them?

@24Dogcuddler Im either at work or with the children as they don't go to childcare on the days I'm off, thanks for the positive advice. That mixed with lack of sleep probably isn't helping

That’s an obvious thing to discuss with your GP.

Beyond that, do you shout at them and hurt them by being rough with them in front of other people? If not you need to start behaving as if someone is watching you as it’s the quickest to stop picking on your very young children for normal age appropriate behaviour. How would you feel if someone else was yelling at and manhandling them? Would that be okay or would you feel horrified?

They only have one mum, they look up to you and adore you and expect you to be their safe place, a comfort, a support, their biggest fan and protector. When you treat them badly they won’t think less of you at this age, they’ll learn to think less of themselves. When you’re horrible to them you’re making criticism their internal voice.

@ToKittyornottoKitty this is most often for things like not listening to repeated warnings about poor behaviour aka being rough or not sharing so when I move them away I feel like I grab them and move them too rough. I've never hit them! Not that being rough is ok either though! I always apologise for my shouting or being mean and explain to them what mammy did wrong and what she should have done.. the issue is just breaking the cycle

@AnneLovesGilbert this is a really good way to think of things! I don't shout in public no Im just stern if necessary and you're right id be furious if someone else did it. And I often stand up for my kids when their dad sometimes loses his temper too, hypocrite lol

Why did your daughter need to eat her dinner before you took your son to the toilet?

I would like to clarify that most of the time I believe I'm a kind loving parent but these moments obviously have a big effect imo

@KilkennyCats she didn't, she was just crying to be in her high chair. My point was I was overwhelmed with one child crying about one thing and the other another and I couldn't do both

What’s the dad’s excuse for his behaviour? This sounds like a very difficult situation for you all and it’s great you are trying to change. But being rough with your kids and both of you loosing your temper with them isn’t ok, this environment for your children sounds pretty terrible right now to be honest. The GP is a good starting point for you, but what about the dad? Can you ask family for support?

Bad mums don't tend to question themselves. Getting in a rage is an issue, but you recognise that and that is the first step to change. Try and get support from the health visitor or talking therapies. There will be strategies online you can try and use. Mindfulness, taking 10 deep breaths before you respond.

The OP knows this, that’s why she’s here looking for support

And no, she’s not going to ‘lose her kids to Social Services’ ( again) because she gets shouty at times. Honestly.

OP, it’s very common to feel really stressed out with children this age. I remember jokingly instituting a “Only one child is allowed to be crying at a time” rule, because the sensory overload of having more than one of them making lots of noise at the same time used to really get to me. Most of us, if we’re honest, shout at our kids sometimes. In your case, you know it’s happening too often, and with less provocation, and that this needs to change. I’m going to assume you don’t physically assault them, or deliberately hurt them in any way.

Reach out to your GP, PHN (you use ‘mam’ so I suspect you might be in Ireland like me, apologies if I’m wrong), Health Visitor or whoever is available. Nobody is going to punish you for seeking support.

@AppropriateAdult thank you for the kind support! I was also under the impression everyone loses their temper, we're only human. But yes it's the frequency that's the problem! No I would never physically assault them or hurt them. Also I'm a Geordie! But no need to apologise

Most people would have prioritised the one needing a wee, to be fair 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP some people are being unkind. They’re reenforcing your worst feelings.
I felt similarly to what you do when I had a baby and a toddler. Completely sleep deprived and utterly overwhelmed.
We weren’t naturally meant to parent in these conditions. With so little support from extended family and a complete lack of any village.
Can you take some annual leave from your job for yourself? That made me feel a lot better over a period of months

Is the dad and his family not around to help, or your own parents?

@KilkennyCats most people don't know that she tries to climb into her highchair alone and risks falling. He can pee by himself I don't assist him he just won't go alone.

@neverwakeasleepingbaby thank you 🥰 it's nice to know I'm not alone in these feelings. Some time to myself would be amazing haha

2 little kids crying at the same time is enough to make anyone lose it. Try taking snacks everywhere to at least avoid hunger tantrums.

For the loo thing, you need to either make peace with the fact he still needs your help or stop assisting him cold turkey and stick with it.

Aside from that i don’t have anything useful to add because i also have 2 young kids and it’s just really hard sometimes. Let’s hope it gets easier fast!