Morning routine and husband input

[TeekJam]

My husband works 5 days a week 40+ hours, 2 days wfh 3 days in the office. On the days he is in the office he gets up and gets himself ready, has a coffee and is out the door. He tends not to have any involvement with getting our 4 and 5 year old boys ready or fed etc. he then comes back right around or after bed time. I work 3 days from home, very flexible but am I being unreasonable expecting him to be a little more present and involved in the morning routine? On the days he wfh he is more involved but I rarely get up to 1 hour to get ready for anything and doing all the school runs, most of the mornings and majority of the bath and bed times, I am exhausted. I am also unwell, a lot, chronic illnesses…. Would love to hear how others do it. Not knowing from week to week when I am able to build in rest time and time for myself is taking its toll

So what have you said to him?

I think it sounds fine, isn’t your rest time on the two days you don’t work?

My partner does 40+h a week 1-2 days at home, 3 days in the office. I used to work 4 days a week 1-2 days in the office but I've been a SAHP for the last year after being made redundant. We have a 5 yo and a 5mo.

When I was working and my daughter was in nursery. I did pretty much all the drop offs, my in the office day was the same as my partners WFH day but the nursery was next to the train station I commuted from. My partner did 2-3 pick ups a week. She was in nursery until 6pm. Once she was in school my partner did the drop off on WFH days. I sorted myself out and my partner did everything with my daughter. We split the pick ups, 50:50. She was in after school club until 5.30-5.45. Whoever didn't do the pick up made dinner.

Since I have been a SAHP my partner does everything in the morning on his two WFH days so I got two mornings to rest. I have a mental health condition and medication which means I have to prioritise sleep and often don't get good quality sleep. He cooks dinner on these days too and bulk cooks so that they can be easily be turned into meals when he is in the office. When he is in the office he leaves at 6 and gets home at 5.30-6 with a 45-60 min. He is around for dinner time and we do bedtime together. My daughter has an audio book as part of her bedtime routine and he does a bit more work then and sometimes into the evening. He does bits at the weekend around activities we have as a family. The nature of his job means there is always more to be done and in our younger days could easily work 7 days a week and 12-14h days but since having a family he has found a good balance where he gets his hours in by starting early which means he is home for meal times and bed but also gets given the opportunity to do extra work when it can be fitted in.

I have done 99% of the wake ups in the night, our 5 yo didn't sleep through the night until 4 but he has done 99% of the weekend morning. He does the majority of the cooking and cleaning but I do the majority of washing, shopping and organising

I have a 4 year old at home so not much rest as he is very energetic, I have ME which is exacerbated by over exertion and have been in a crash since November

I wfh 4 days a week, DH does 5 days but varies 2 or 3 days in the office.

On the days he's in the office, quite often he is almost out the door before anyone else is even up. His responsibilities on those days are to get the kids a cup of milk each, and get the dog fed. I do everything else child-wise, including the drop off and pick up. He gets home about 10 mins before our youngest goes to bed, so he will do that bedtime, then come down and make dinner while I put the eldest to bed. Dinner, dishes, bins (basically everything kitchen) is his domain. Laundry, school bags, tidying up is on me.

One day a week we both wfh but I start at 7.30, so he has to do the vast majority of the morning routine himself, though I do help if needed.

On Fridays when I am off with the kiddos he will often get up with them and let me lie in til 8ish, so he does breakfasts and dressing etc, then he starts work about 8.45am. On weekends we usually get one day each to lie in.

I don't have the health issues you have, but I also rarely have proper time to get ready for things. Quite often I have my shower for the day about 4.30pm when I finish work and before I go to do pickup.

I think that you both need certain jobs to do every morning unless he has to leave ridiculously early. Eg. You get both kids up and help them get ready while your h showers and gets ready and then he takes over breakfast while you get ready. He then leaves for work/ does school run.

I wouldn’t expect him to no, as I enjoy doing it.

Well have you talked to him? Surely easier to have specific jobs to each do in the morning? Can he do morning school run on his WFH days? I think just expecting him to get involved when you usually do it alone is unrealistic, he probably needs to be told you want him to do x and y.

I always wonder why people post like this. Is it enjoying being smug, or enjoying sticking the boot into OP. Genuinely curious. When a poster has said she is struggling with a chronic condition.

I think you both should be involved in mornings assuming timings allow. If Dh gets up at 6am, and is out the door for 7am, but the dc are up at 6:45am, doesn’t really allow him much to do, but he could certainly be the one to get their bags packed and uniform laid out.

If he’s up at 7am and leaving at 8am, same time as you leave for the school run, yes, he should be sorting breakfast or getting one of them dressed.

Dh and I both do mornings regardless of who needs to work that day, but when I used to leave at 6am for the train, no one was awake yet. I did make sure everything was organised the night before to make everything easier for Dh flying solo though. If he’s doesn’t have enough time to parent and get ready for work, he needs to get up earlier.

Lack of social awareness, and a little self centred.

It's not really being smug - it's simply a reply focusing on their own life and little thought about what is actually helpful for the OP.

DH gets up the same time as me and we tag team all morning. Your DH is being really inconsiderate.

He works a full working week, only two days WFH (on which you say he does help out more).

You work a part-time, flexible working week, all at home.

I'm not seeing here why you are expecting an equal division of labour given that the working patterns are not equal?

I'm not sure how you expect him to do the childcare/school runs/bedtimes etc when he's at work or on his commute?

Perhaps if you worked 4 days each then the child load could be spread more evenly? But whilst he's doing the bigger load of working outside the home, then you need to pick up the bigger share of childcare.

Yeah sorry I agree with this. I have a more equal division of childcare but also a more equal working pattern so that makes sense. I still do more childcare though but that's because my work is more flexible / more home working so I can.

Unless you're saying he leaves for work unnecessarily early and comes home unnecessarily late purely to avoid helping out. In which case sack him off straight away as what kind of a dad and husband is that?

The relevant question is what time is he getting up? So, on a monday in this house, DH is up at 6, gone by 7. I get up at 7:10. He contributes nothing to the morning routine - although does sometimes empty the dishwasher. On a Tuedsay, he's up at 6:30 and out the door at 7:30 and will always unload the dishwasher and perhaps do some of the packed lunch. Wednesday we switch - I'm up at 6:30 and out the door at 7:30 and will make a start on packed lunches/dishwasher etc and leave the rest to him when he gets up at 7:30.

etc etc

Basically, we take the view that if the person who is goign to work has to get up super early in order to do so, they do not have to do much in the way of helping with the morning routine. If, however, the person who is going to work is getting up at the same time or later than the person who is both workign AND doign the morning routine.... there's a problem.

This started because a few years ago when DC were smaller and DH wasn't really working, I realised that for me to get up and get out the door, i was getting up 30 minutes earler so that I could do a lot of the morning routine... while DH was having a lovely little lie in. It had just slipped that way - when we realised, we made an effort to stop and, in those days, the result was we both got up at the same time (a bit later for me, a bit earlier for him) and then we split the chores/ morning routine/ getting ready.