Sheer regret and guilt while healing from DV

[NeedingASafeSpace]

The more time goes on the more I feel so awfully guilty on my DD who is not my perpetrators child that I went back to him and was back and forth. I hate myself for bent so blinded by the situation. I can’t believe I fell for the shit over and over. As I’m healing I’m getting tremendous guilt shame and realising how bad it was. I’m struggling with that bit. I’m ashamed and disappointed at me for letting that happen

You’re not the one to blame here. You were being manipulated and controlled. Of course it’s regrettable that your daughter was caught up in this but you are not the one who should be feeling guilty here. It takes time but you will start to see that one day.

Thank you. I do understand the abuse wasn’t my fault. But being stronger and not going back is something I’ll live with regretting forever. I got there in the end but I still taught my young child their first impression of “love”. She never seen anything but the back and forth isn’t right. I have now decided to stay well away from any man

Let go of the guilt, it is another thing that will keep you away from truly bonding with your daughter. The trauma is making you feel guilty, it was a disaster, people were impacted but it is over.
The best thing to do move forward, be really kind to yourself and don’t get into another relationship, abusive men recognise women who they can manipulate. Stay away from romantic relationships.
Do something to break the cycle. Good luck 🙏

Thank you. Every word you wrote is true. How do I let go? I can’t quite figure that bit out.. I feel I’m taking one step at a time… I have left him in the past but I for sure have a lot of healing to do. I have noticed men like that sniff you out. I’m thankful I can now see red flags as I have had a guy mithering to meet up and I keep telling him “no” I have seen how he acts similar to my ex when told no (manipulative) so I’m confident I can identify dangers.
I am on a talking therapy waiting list (it’ll be around a month before I am booked in). I tried counselling but all they do is listen and not advise (pointless?).
thanks for your kind words. Everyone around me still sees me as being an idiot for going back to him and says I’m stupid and silly and I did what was wrong for my daughter by going back. I’m hoping as she grows I can outweigh the bad with the good.

Stay away from men until your family has healed. Counselling will help but isn’t always available and is expensive. Search out domestic abuse support groups, listen to survivor stories on YouTube, try reiki if it is available to you, it can help you recognise your insecurities and why you seek bad treatment, it’s draining, assessing your childhood etc some community centres offer free reiki.
YouTube has a ton of survivor videos, this will strengthen your mind, show you that you are not alone, call women’s aid, ask is there group meetings, it’s free therapy, talking to others help. Number one thing in recovery meetings… don’t date anyone in the group, they’re there for a reason. 💐❤️

I didn’t have a relationship for 6 years after I said the final goodbye to my abusive ex. I still haven’t introduced the new person to the children 2.5 years later. I don’t want anything to disrupt their stability. You can prioritise her now and create the stability and needs. It’s normal to blame yourself but clarity will come and that feeling will fade in time.

You need the right counselling preferably with CBT or other. The listening ones to me are no good. I can’t recall the schools/areas of training though.

It will take time to heal after this relationship so don’t rush into another one, which I see you aren’t doing.

I hear you OP. It’s so hard not to replay it all and wish you’d taken different decisions. I am still in the fog with it myself. But I’m slowly starting to believe what others have told me - I did what I could with the knowledge and power I had at the time. This is true for you too. You weren’t the person you are now, then. You didn’t have the insight and the knowledge you have since gained. So be kind to yourself. Focus on your strength in getting out and staying out. That in itself is an incredible act of love for you and your daughter.

Are you and your child recieving support?

Thank you for your kind words.
I hope you are healing, also.
I have a son with this monster who of course does not see him since the abuse ended as I stopped contact and advised access will be made through a court order, only. I am not being abused controlled and bullied any longer. I love getting on with my life with my children without the monsters however, I do have him lingering threatening court here and there and all of a sudden I’m back to being afraid of him.