Navigating separation after betrayal as a parent - visiting rights

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I found out my child’s father has been seeing another woman for 6 months. We had been together for almost 10 years and have a 3 year old. Long story short, I said he was cheating, he said I was crazy and gaslit me, I said I didn’t want to be together (because of this) but it was a grey area as still living together, spending Xmas as a family, him feeding me lies etc. As it happens, I was right all along and he was in fact a big fat cheat! I told him he needed to leave our home (rented) - he’s been staying at a hotel as he’s refusing to go to either of his parents.

My ex likes to go out a lot. He’s also developed a bit of a drug problem and drinks very regularly. He’s shown no remorse so I’ve been going through his mother to ensure our child still sees him. He has refused to talk about anything and is playing the victim saying I’m dictating when he can see our child - but it’s been 4 days and he’s seen them for 2 of those, plus will tomorrow eve and a full weekend day. Having suffered months of him trying to make me think I’m insane, I am doing well with this. But him demanding set days and an overnight stay is too much.

So, does anyone know the best place to start when understanding visitation rights? Do we do mediation before resorting to court?

I am the primary parent, my child has only spent 2 nights away from me (not consecutive, she was at home with her father) in almost 4 years. They have coslept since birth. Their father has been on many trips, most recently 4 days abroad. And often decides he’s going out after work and not coming home, so they are used to him being around less than me. It is not in my child’s best interest to stay out whilst it’s not even been a week and they’re still asking when daddy is coming home.

I don’t know want to be that person to ever say no, but I will when it’s not best for my child. Their father’s side of the family all live close by and mine are two hours away. I don’t drive so I feel anxious about him trying to enforce set days when he’s put himself in this position. I also saw messages where he and the new partner were discussing meeting children (she has 2 herself). From what I could decipher, she thinks we’ve been separated the whole time and she said he’s “scared” to tell me about her. It’s very messy and I don’t want my child anywhere near that situation.

Any advice at all would be so appreciated. Thank you.

Learn to drive. That will be helpful to you in any circumstance. Prioritise that over any child class.

I am learning to drive at the moment. But it will be a few more months until I will pass and can afford a car.

To start with I’d offer one week night after school and one weekend day, with dd coming back to your house to sleep. With the option that this increases to a full weekend once he has a proper home for dd and she is a bit more settled.

Given how he has behaved Id put in really clear boundaries from the start that he has her outside the home, provides everything that she needs, and manages the contact completely independently from you. Ie no expectations that you pack her a swimming bag and a snack and wash the dirty swimming things.

With regards to her meeting the affair partner, I’d point out to him that it’s his choice of when he introduces. But that introducing now is likely to ruin his relationship with both his daughter (who will then know about the affair) and his affair partner (who will then know about the timing). Whereas waiting a year would prevent both happening.