Do we have another baby?

[PinkYeticup]

I know no one can make this decision for me, but I’d really love to hear from people who are or have been in a similar situation.

I’m 38, married, and we have a 7-year-old daughter. I was completely content being one-and-done… until about a year ago, when I started thinking about having another child. My husband and I really love our life as a family of three - the freedom, the flexibility, and how things are right now. Our daughter is friendly, confident, and outgoing, and we have a big extended family and a great circle of friends, so she’s not lacking in relationships at all. I just feel really torn. If we had another baby, I’d need to work more (in a job I don’t love but can tolerate working the hours I do now). We would probably travel less, and travel is a huge part of our lives and we really value showing our daughter the world. We could afford another child, but it would obviously be tighter ann impact our lifestyle...which in turn I worry about because this would likely make me more stressed/inpatient and a worse mum generally?!

I love the idea of my daughter having a sibling, but the thought of still doing school runs into my fifties doesn’t exactly excite me. At the same time, I do feel like I’d be ready for the baby stage again.

I keep saying ‘I’ because my husband is very laid back about it all. He’s happy as we are, but also says children are a blessing, so he’d be on board either way. One of my biggest worries is that maybe I’m wanting another baby because my daughter is growing up, and I’m missing the stage she’s in now or that I feel I should do it for her, which is not a good reason.

Any advice?!

I wouldn't. "I love the idea of my daughter having a sibling," - yes, but with a 8+ year age gap they will be very different stages throughout their childhood. You're right, doing it for her is not a good idea. We have one daughter, she's only 18 months, and no plans to ever have another. We know we'll be better parents to 1 in terms of our own mental health and wellbeing. I do feel sad to not be pregnant, have a newborn etc again but I try to focus on the joys of my daughter at her current age. We had a miscarriage before our daughter and I cannot go through that again. Unfortunately you do have to consider the worse case, particularly at your age, if you did have another and they had disabilities etc, and the change that would bring to your life.

Your daughter is only 7, she’s got another 11-15 years at home realistically and there is PLENTY more growing up and enjoying her to do, which you can do far better working that little bit less and spending quality time with her. My mum had my sibling when I was 12 and during my teen years when friends mums would take us to concerts or be a taxi etc, my mum was stuck home with a toddler not having enough energy to pay attention to what I was doing, it was wonderful in many ways having a sibling, but it absolutely distanced me from my mum, she was too busy raising a toddler. She had another baby for herself, not for me, I’m so glad she did it, but I certainly wouldn’t start again having another baby now my own kids are older. That’s not what they need.

Your biological clock is ticking so it’s normal to consider if you are really done, a there isn’t a wrong answer. But personally I’d just enjoy your life and your child and giving her the best experiences you can.

In your shoes I probably would do it, and soon. There's plenty time to make more money/travel/relax in the future but quite a short window for another baby. I'd do it personally and things will fall into place.

I wouldn’t. It’s such a big age gap that I doubt you could travel and both children really enjoy it for a quite a few years. It also sounds like you can’t really afford it because you would be compromising your lifestyle.

I grew up as an only and was fine but my mum does regret it. They poured everything they had into me which is wonderful and suffocating (for me) and lonely (for them) at the same time.

In terms of age gap, they won't be besties now but you never know in the future. My dad is extremely close to his youngest brother, they are 10 years apart! But they get along brilliantly, now live close to each other and holiday together every other year.

I wouldn't. I imagine your hormones are making you broody because of your age. I'm 39 and thankfully I know I'm one and done 😅

I was going to say this too - I suspect it’s hormones making you broody, it’s quite mad how much it can take over your brain

Thank you for these varied responses! It’s such a hard decision isn’t it? I think it likely is a factor of getting older/realising it’s now or never and my DD getting older. A big age gap has never bothered me, in fact I’m incredibly close to my sister who is 8 years younger than me - more so as adults now, but still. I do find myself questioning why I worry about things like finances travel etc and if I really really wanted a second we would make it work…so maybe that is telling!! @ToKittyornottoKitty you are right about the more growing and enjoying her! @Devilsmommy@Sunflower3000 yes hormones are a nuisance haha I would be inclined to agree because after 6 plus years being vehemently one and done the thoughts started to creep in!

I don't think it would do any harm if you feel able to have another baby at this point. That said I think you need to be realistic about the family dynamics. I have known siblings with bigger age gaps to have close bonds but it does often mean a lot of the siblings doing their own thing with a parent rather than as a whole family.

If it was me I'd be making the most of the travelling.

My sister and I are 9 years apart and we're extremely close. We definitely still travelled as a family when I was a kid and she was a baby (it would still work quite well for you in the first few years with free kids places and the baby being free anyway until 2 or 3 with a lot of companies). My life would be much worse off for her not being in it. If you're worried about the age gap, that wouldn't be the reason I would choose not to have another.
However, I have two kids and since having them, I can definitely see the benefits of having just one (not that I'd trade either of mine obviously). Everything would be easier and cheaper with one child, and I can see that you could really give them all of your attention and focus. It's much easier when either of you need to solo parent too for whatever reason, they don't outnumber you!

i wouldn't, enjoy your freedom and daughter getting more independent! 8-9 years is an awkward age gap, you're rarely going to find activities that keep everyone happy.

Yes the age gap thing has never really bothered me, it’s lovely that you get on with your sister so well. This is something I have thought about a lot and if I have the capacity for dividing my time or quite frankly, if I want to do that! I am quite a laid back mum and love being able to give my full attention to my one (not too much attention!!) and I just wonder how my personality would change and if I could handle two. It’s better I’m a great mum to one than an average mum to two I suppose.

I think irrespective of age gaps all children should be born because their parents want that child, not to ‘give’ an existing child a sibling. There are too many variables with sibling relationships to say for sure they will be the ‘best friends’ parents often want them to be.

Whilst your daughter might love a sibling, you might find it difficult to manage their very different needs - especially when travelling.

What a 8/9 year old likes doing a baby/toddler won't - and in a few years you would have a preschooler with a pre-teen. What would your weekends look like, your holidays?

Our hormones are very effective at pushing us in directions that our rational brain would not go. Hormones are very keen on babies, especially as you get older and they go into desperate overdrive before shutting down.

Having another baby would mean you need to work MORE? That in itself doesn’t make sense.
I think if you’re on the fence then no. A second baby may be a great addition or it may not - if it’s got bigger needs or just plain fussier. You will not be able to devote as much time to your DD, who has enjoyed all your attention.
The few only children I know initially wanted a sibling but then actually started to be happy and one actively hated it when her father went on to have another when she was about 12. She liked being special.
Anyway as I said, if in any doubt the answer is probably not.

We had another after a 5 year gap. So I think the different stages argument still applies. Do they want to do the same thing? No. Do I care, also no. Sometimes older DD has to bend, sometimes younger DD has to put up with it. It's a good life lesson that not everything revolves around them.

That said, it has been difficult. Balancing older DD's needs with the demands of younger DD has been really hard, and DD has, not suffered, but definitely impacted. And yes big travel plans have been pushed back 5 years. Finances impacted - 2nd round of maternity cost 20k alone (I'm the higher earner and didn't want to go back after 3 months). And going back, after having a sleeping, independently toileting, fairly self sufficient child has made me question my sanity more than once.

But it's been worth it for us. And more recently when I hear them giggling together it's made everything make sense.

It's not a decision you can logic out really. All logic pointed us to staying one and done, but something was missing for me and I couldn't shake that feeling.

Do you want another baby? That’s really all it comes down to.

Yes, you will probably have more money with just one, but not masses more beyond the nursery years. My 2nd doesn’t cost huge amounts more beyond, say, an extra birthday party a year or an extra flight to purchase. We didn’t need a bigger house or car. It hasn’t stopped me travelling, with and without them. And I had my 2nd at 37. My eldest is a teen now and there really aren’t school runs with her anymore. She just gets on the bus. I won’t be doing school runs in my 50s. I will be driving to friends and sports and picking up from parties, but that’s just teens and young adults for you.

Honestly, my 2nd was loads easier than my first. But I always knew I wanted two. I think you simply have to figure out what you want. Nothing you’ve mentioned is a huge obstacle if it feels like the right thing for you. If it helps, I knew I was done after 2 and I have never had even a slight inkling of a faint desire for a third.

I'm similar to the above PP with a 5.5 year age gap after secondary infertility. It hasn't been without its impact for DD1, who struggled with the transition from our little trio, and no they don't enjoy the same films or go to the same parties but the way they giggle together, how DD1 teaches DD2 new things and DD2 worships DD1 - all that is lovely. She's injected lots of fun and sweetness into our family.

We'd have been happy as we were - and richer - but I love the extra ingredients she's added to the mix.
It's a really personal choice and neither option would be wrong. But I'm glad we had our second and I hope in future they'll be glad to have each other.

I know it doesn’t make much sense but I work on a consultant basis now and can pop in and out as I please, if we had extra costs I wouldn’t be able to do that. I do agree - I think if you really want a child you do it regardless of how your life may change

This is what I am struggling with, when I ask myself that question it’s always ‘I just don’t know’ - part of me does part of me doesn’t. I think this is where I differ in the sense that I never thought I would have any children whatsoever! I barely thought about having one let alone two so I never had this ideal dream of what my family would be like. I am so glad we had one though!