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How do you know when you’re “Done”?

12 replies

babyboymam · 04/02/2026 10:23

We’ve always said we wanted three children. Our first is 3 and our youngest is 8months. A boy and a girl. There’s a huge part of my rational brain telling me I am done at two children. But I feel so SAD thinking I’ll never have another baby. I’m 32 now and so a third baby would need to be around 35 years old as I wouldn’t want to be older than this having a baby.

My children aren’t good sleepers and so parenting is very tiring!I worry about the long term affects of fatigue on my health and wellbeing and I feel I would struggle to give three children the attention they need. We are financially stable but I worry about the financial burden a third child would bring(family holidays/ university / days out) I also worry about navigating the years of after school clubs and activities if we had three children. We do have supportive family but I worry that a third child would hinder that support as I think it might be unfair to ask family to look after three children, especially if my sister has children like she plans to because she’ll need help from them too. I know that having three young children would be hard or near impossible to manage for me.

On the other hand I cannot stop thinking about a third baby but when I do I focus more on the pregnancy (I loved pregnancy!) and the newborn snuggles. I also think of having three older children and then in future three adult children and the fullness of my home (in a good way!). I love the idea of a big family but I worry the reality would be very different.

How did you know you’re done? How did you know you wanted a third?

Am I simply grieving the idea of my third child because I know I’m at mental/emotional capacity?? Or am I just in the thick of having two very young children?

OP posts:
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Swaytheboat · 04/02/2026 10:26

"I know that having three young children would be hard or near impossible to manage for me"

This is your answer. You know that you can't do a good job of raising three kids, so having another would negatively impact you all, and that's without considering if they have any additional needs that would use up even more of your energy and time.
You cannot rely on family support. Everyone gets older, your sister wants kids and support too, and to be honest, noone offers to baby sit three kids. Plenty of offers for two kids.

BertieBotts · 04/02/2026 10:29

I have three, as soon as the third was born I was really clear I don't want any more. I am done. I have no lingering desire to go through pregnancy and birth again. I loved the newborn period with all of them but I also don't feel I want to go through it again. I am happy to move on with life and go to the next stage.

They are all boys and sometimes I have a fleeting feeling of wondering what it would be like to have a daughter but that's literally it. Most of the time this doesn't even cross my mind.

I don't know if that's because we had 1 + 2, as in a big gap between DC1 and 2, so it already felt like such a privilege to get to go back and do it all again (but it also spanned a long time period - 13 years between eldest and youngest.)

I don't know if this is rational, as in the feeling of wanting another baby or not, although obviously rational/practical considerations are important.

Taweofterror · 04/02/2026 10:33

I have three. I knew I'd struggle to cope with 4 but also was very lucky to enjoy pregnancy and babies so DH got the snip while DC 3 was very little to remove the temptation! I kind of knew I'd never feel emotionally done, that I'd always feel tempted to have more babies. I took the emotion right out of it though and knew that 3 was really the limit for us practically and financially. The yearning for a baby did eventually go.

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Thetreeisdownnow · 04/02/2026 10:34

Biologically we are wired to want children and I think for many women there will always be a tug towards more babies even when you know that logically it isn’t the sensible choice.
I am definitely finished having babies but I still have a ‘what if’ feeling when I see a newborn and I’m finding getting rid of the baby things hard.
I recognise that we are at capacity now though and perhaps more than wanting another child I just miss my current children being babies and toddlers and it’s hard to accept that that part of your life is over.

tarheelbaby · 04/02/2026 10:37

Hi OP, congrats (belatedly), enjoy what you have! In every way, a DS and a DD is a great combo. There will be other babies to snuggle - nieces/nephews, etc.

We were pretty sure we were two and through. A scare confirmed it for us!

Many people from all different parts of my life have commented on how 3xDCs take things to another level: bigger car(s), bigger or more crowded house, more time not growing your career/earning FT, bigger food shop, more clubs/activities. Also, holidays ... extra room(s), extra plane ticket(s) ... My friends with 4DC have never taken them abroad b/c the cost of the passports ...
When I was in hospital with DD2, a nurse with 3 commented how tough it was b/c the world was designed for pairs: meat comes in even numbered packs ...

Someone will be along in a minute to count up the environmental costs too.

FlyingApple · 04/02/2026 11:01

Well your youngest is 8 months, when they're 1.5/2, it's possible you'll want another.

DappledThings · 04/02/2026 11:04

I only ever wanted two. When I had the most fleeting of thoughts about a third the idea of being outnumbered, needing to change the car, needing to have two of them share a room, not fitting into a lot of holiday accommodation easily, not being eligible for a lot of family ticket deals, not being able to be one parent taking each to overlapping activities etc etc etc all stopped me instantly down that train of thought!

NuffSaidSam · 04/02/2026 11:09

I'd just relax, enjoy the two you have for now and see how you feel in 1/2/3 years time. I think the answer will probably make itself clear to you over time. There's no rush to decide now.

LavenderBlue19 · 04/02/2026 11:14

I think most women wonder about having another, however many they have. We are biologically programmed to want to reproduce, after all.

That doesn't mean you have to act on that feeling. If having more would make life very difficult, why would you?

xOlive · 04/02/2026 11:15

For a while I was one and done.
Then I’ve had my second.
Pregnant now with number 3 (we weren’t trying) and I didn’t realise how much I wanted a third until I thought I’d lost it.
I know I am absolutely 100% done after this one because it’s the labour and birth I cannot do again after this one.
I’d have been happy with my one, then my two but I’m also happy with my three. But now I know there just cannot be a fourth.
I know financially we would cope but I wouldn’t cope with the mental load of all of the reasons you mentioned.
I’m 33 now.

redyellowgreenandblue · 04/02/2026 11:15

We stopped at two, after I had my first I thought the feeling of wanting to have more wouldn't stop, I met my newborn nephew and ached for another of my own and I'd have happily had a few more at that point but once I'd had my second it completely disappeared.
DH had the snip a few months ago and I expected to feel sad about it but I never at all. Don't get me wrong I will miss those newborn snuggles but I feel like our family is complete. I think when your at that point you just know.

Pantheon · 04/02/2026 20:55

I have 2. I'd love another baby, but I don't want to raise another child all the way to adulthood. I'd not be able to give my two existing children enough emotionally, practically etc. My children are older than yours and the emotional demands have been tougher for me than the physical ones of the early years.

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