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Original poster

Dd(9) says I don’t love her

17 replies

foryou · 03/02/2026 20:15

Dd(9) left me a note this evening saying that she doesn’t feel like I love her anymore, that when she’s upset or worried I don’t seem to notice or care and she doesn’t remember the last time I kissed or cuddled her.

3, 5 and 12 year old siblings and a teen dsd with severe mental health issues who takes up a lot of my time. Dd is my easiest child.

I tell her every day that I love her, hug her goodbye but that’s it, I don’t remember the last time I kissed or cuddled her either. I guess I sort of assumed she was older and didn’t want it anymore, I try to make sure we spend alone time together as much as I can.

The note wasn’t addressed to Dh who is a lot more kissy and cuddly than me generally. He’s the one who takes and picks just her up from school while I do the other children so they get that extra 1-1 time together everyday.

I’m heartbroken, how repair this? Is she now going to forever remember a childhood were she didn’t feel her mum loved or cared for her?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2026 20:23

First you thank her for her fantastic communication. And give her praise for raising it. Then ask what she'd like. One on one, spontaneous kisses and cuddles, plan ed, what. Be led by her.

Ilikewinter · 03/02/2026 20:30

Oh bless her, is it possible for you to swap with DH and do school picks ups?, or if not can you set aside some you and her time? I think it's very mature of her to tell you how she feels.

ApplesAreAmazing · 03/02/2026 20:43

Is she in bed? She'll be awake waiting for that cuddle, go to her now, and say I am so sorry my special girl I love you so much, can I we have that cuddle now and then stay with her as long as she wants. Tell her what you've said, you've been distracted and assumed she was ok, you were wrong and you've missed your hugs with her. Just be honest and loving. Make it a fun thing and get her to hug you and chat about her day when you peel potatoes by hugging your back or when she's brushing her teeth, then she knows however busy your day is, you have time for her always.

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Original poster
foryou · 04/02/2026 15:37

That’s what we did, I cuddled her and said how much I loved her and how proud I was of her for letting me know. Then I got in her bed and slept with her for the night.

im conscious that it doesn’t slip back out of our routine or that I force it and it feels like im doing it jus because she asked me to.

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Original poster
foryou · 04/02/2026 15:40

Ilikewinter · 03/02/2026 20:30

Oh bless her, is it possible for you to swap with DH and do school picks ups?, or if not can you set aside some you and her time? I think it's very mature of her to tell you how she feels.

Unfortunately not, it just wouldn’t work. I try my best to fit it in as much as I can but I think I need to find a scheduled time each week even if it’s not for long.

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deeahgwitch · 04/02/2026 15:49

Ah bless
You reared her well- she was able to communicate to you her feelings in a way she knew you could take notice. 💐
It’s great you were able to speak with her so promptly after receiving the note.
You’ve obviously a lot on your plate but if you could give her an hour a week special time with just her that would be brilliant.

Off topic a wee bit but I sometimes think of those really large families long ago (not so long ago in Ireland ), it must have been so so difficult for many of the children. ☹️

Burntt · 04/02/2026 16:00

Bless her. Just make the effort now not to slip back to not doing it. I don’t think you will have messed up her childhood if you make the effort now. You have done well raising her to communicate that to you! Tell her she can always tell you her worries and you are glad she did because you love her so much and of course want her to feel that.

I have a similar dd. She’s my easy child. I have a high need SEN son and a SEN toddler too. I learnt the phrase glass children which refers to these easy siblings of SEND kids. I make a real effort to get quality time with her now and about once a year we have a weekend away doing things we like that we can’t do with her brothers. It’s the best I can do. No mother is perfect we just have to do our best and hope our kids feel comfortable communicating when they feel they need more xx

sprigatito · 04/02/2026 16:04

I think the fact that she sent the note suggests that she does know you love her really, but you haven’t been giving her enough attention lately (and you have reacted perfectly, btw). If I’d sent my mother that note she would have laughed and sneered, then made my life an absolute misery for months, for daring to ask for anything. Your daughter knew she could expect a loving and reassuring response from you.

caringcarer · 04/02/2026 16:05

I'm glad your made her see how much you love her. It's easier to overlook your easy DC when others are more demanding. Now you know you won't do that again.

Hotchocolate4 · 04/02/2026 16:07

Can you have once a month or every few months some dedicated time per child 1:1. They can pick the activity like cinema / costa?

Original poster
foryou · 04/02/2026 16:13

Hotchocolate4 · 04/02/2026 16:07

Can you have once a month or every few months some dedicated time per child 1:1. They can pick the activity like cinema / costa?

I definitely already do that with each child at least once a month, it’s just day to day she tends to get a lot less of my attention compared to others

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Goldfsh · 04/02/2026 16:14

Aw bless her - I agree with these posts: reward her for her honesty and try and make space for her to let you know when she needs you.

Lillers · 04/02/2026 16:18

Oh what a little poppet! Alongside all the lovely suggestions from others, the bit that would make me sit up a little bit is where she said that you don’t notice when she’s upset or worried about something. That would make me wonder if there’s something else playing on her mind at the minute, and maybe this was her way of raising it with you without having to say it outright - perhaps she’s looking for you to ask her some questions to help her to voice another concern.

I knew of someone once who used a “high 5” system to quickly check in with each child (they had 3). They’d do a high 5 when they saw the children straight after school, and the number of fingers the child used for the high 5 was the signal of what kind of day they’d had - so for example if they had a great day, it would be a full high 5, but if it was a rubbish day, it might be done with 1 or 2 fingers. That gave the parent the opportunity to ask some questions (even if not in that exact moment) rather than just assuming everything was ok.

Original poster
foryou · 04/02/2026 18:09

Lillers · 04/02/2026 16:18

Oh what a little poppet! Alongside all the lovely suggestions from others, the bit that would make me sit up a little bit is where she said that you don’t notice when she’s upset or worried about something. That would make me wonder if there’s something else playing on her mind at the minute, and maybe this was her way of raising it with you without having to say it outright - perhaps she’s looking for you to ask her some questions to help her to voice another concern.

I knew of someone once who used a “high 5” system to quickly check in with each child (they had 3). They’d do a high 5 when they saw the children straight after school, and the number of fingers the child used for the high 5 was the signal of what kind of day they’d had - so for example if they had a great day, it would be a full high 5, but if it was a rubbish day, it might be done with 1 or 2 fingers. That gave the parent the opportunity to ask some questions (even if not in that exact moment) rather than just assuming everything was ok.

That’s a good idea, thankyou.

She does talk to Dh especially as they get that extra time together each day and I don’t think there is anything big worrying her but will keep an eye out and encourage her to talk to me in case

there’s been times when Dh has mentioned minor upsets she’s had to me but as she by then seemed fine and he’d already spoken to her I just left it as I often had other minor upsets to deal with.

OP posts:
ImmortalSnowman · 04/02/2026 18:16

Your 9 year old daughter needs you, not your husband to deal with. Why isn't he doing the heavy lifting with his own daughter that monopolises so much of your time that your child has to write you a note to get any attention?

Fatiguedwithlife · 04/02/2026 18:20

I have a DD who’s 9 and also my ‘easiest’.
we went clothes shopping today and she tried things on for the first time ever, she was so happy with the 1:1 time we spent. I had to buy the outfit obviously, she never asks for anything and is used to hand me downs and vinted stuff. Just an idea for you

Original poster
foryou · 04/02/2026 18:24

ImmortalSnowman · 04/02/2026 18:16

Your 9 year old daughter needs you, not your husband to deal with. Why isn't he doing the heavy lifting with his own daughter that monopolises so much of your time that your child has to write you a note to get any attention?

Dh does as much as he can, unfortunately there are reasons why through no fault of his own dsd is more comfortable with me supporting her. We’re working on it but it’s not something we planned and is very difficult for everybody.

Regardless I can and will find more time for dd.

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