I accidentally let 3 month old cry to sleep - feeling terrible!

[maria199]

This post is mostly for reassurance that I am not an absolutely terrible mother. My 3 month old baby usually feeds to sleep (breastfed) and will usually sleep for a few hours in the first stretch. However, the past week maybe I have been putting her down and around 10/15 minutes later she is waking up again and I need to settle her again. This is usually after around an hour of bed time routine / feeding etc so it is really taking a lot of time just getting her settled.

Last night I asked my husband if he could try to settle her as this was the 2nd time she had woken up and I had already fed her so much I didn’t see what else I could do, I was also getting stressed. He said he would, just to give him 5 minutes as he needed the toilet (typical). Anyway, by the time he was done she had finished crying and was asleep. I felt terrible that she had fallen asleep this way but I honestly couldn’t deal with her at the time and I think I would have stressed her out more.

Fast forward to tonight and it’s a similar story. I put her down asleep from feeding but she woke up almost instantly. I hadn’t had my dinner so again, husband said he would go in. He went in, soothed her and then left when she was sleepy but she woke again. I didn’t realise this but he said he left her for a few minutes as it worked then night before and then she fell asleep.

I am very conscious that it’s 2 nights in a row where she has been crying and then after about 5 minutes she has gone to sleep herself. I worry that she is too young for this but equally I don’t want her to have no ability to sleep independently. Does anyone else have similar experiences and reassurance that this will not cause some lasting harm (I know I sound pathetic!!).

Overnight she wakes several times and I comfort and feed each time.

*Just to add that my baby has decided herself that her bed time is around 6:30/7pm as she gets so tired. She sleeps in the same room as us, we have a camera and I spend an hour downstairs without her to have my dinner and some chill time before I go to bed. I am aware of the guidance but this works for us so I am not inviting comments about this set up, thank you.

Of course it won’t harm her. She self settled within 5 minutes, you didn’t leave her crying for hours.
She’s fine

5 minutes is really nothing to worry about.

Agree with first poster, self soothing is important to learn and you've cracked it already! Xxx

That's what you are supposed to do! It's all good

Absolutely and completely nothing to worry about. I discovered unintentionally that my second needed 5 minutes crying to settle herself at exactly the same age; I was alone in the house with my 2 year old who needed me for a poo or something similarly non negotiable so I had to leave the baby crying in her crib. By the time I rushed to her she was asleep. There followed several days where I rocked her to sleep (taking aaaggges each time), and then a second occasion when I had to leave her for 5 minutes because of the 2 year old. And again she was asleep when I dashed back to her. After that the penny dropped and I gave her 5 minutes to settle herself (usually crying) every evening and didn't beat myself up. It worked almost without exception, and far better when I stayed with her whilst she went to sleep when it would take her 30 minutes or more.

Everyone's different.

We sleep trained put both in own rooms at at 6/7m and sleep trained around 7/8m...
Before that they were in our room / bed in a sleepyhead type thing. I forget the brand.

3 months is pretty young to be letting them self soothe but I imagine it can be done 🤷🏻‍♀️
Also it sounds like this was a one off rather than long term plan. A bit of crying is normal / does no harm.

we found the baby slept much better with us/ a human in the room or in close proximity. At 3m they slept in a basinette in the living room and then came upstairs with us (obvs tv wasnt blaring)
Thats not for you apparently (which is fine) might be worth a try though?

Could you get her one of those heart beat comforter animals (theres an owl thats popular) if shes being left to cry to sleep alone in a separate room!?

Overall I dont think its a big deal ...

It makes me cross that some of the more extreme views on early childhood are making good, loving, conscientious parents neurotic and seemingly unable to use their own instincts and judgement. OP your little one is simply settling herself to sleep in a perfectly normal way that you should be happy to see. Babies do NOT need to be fed to sleep, to sleepiness maybe at certain times of the day where they are naturally tired. Your husband is on board and all is well.

@maria199 This isn't what you asked, but when my son was a baby, he used to wake up 45 mins to an hour after I'd put him down, and it almost always was because he had wind - so I started making sure he did a big burp before I put him to bed. Just thought I'd suggest in case it helps you.

This is amazing! If she can self settle in 5 mins then keep it up. I'd be celebrating, takes a lot of time and effort for most to self settle and she will be a much better sleeper!

She's done a boo-hoo zonk, it's all ok!

Just curious - why wouldn't it be okay to leave her upstairs with a monitor while you're downstairs having dinner?

Otherwise no, there will be no long-term or even short-term effects from crying to sleep on two occasions, especially when the crying was for such a short time. Agree with PP that sometimes my baby needed space and a little grizzle alone to settle herself, without the whole song and dance production I tried to do that seemed to make her grumpier and stretch bedtime out forever.

This is fine. Babies can be put down in their beds by themselves, it’s not harmful. Your baby will be 100% better off being able to go to sleep by themselves.

Thanks for the answer - the guidance in the UK is for a baby to sleep in the same room
as you until they are 6 months old. It is thought to reduce SIDS.

I do sleep in the same room as her and up until recently I went to bed with her. However as she is now a little older and going to bed around 6:30/7pm it doesn’t really work for us anymore to go to bed at the same time as her so I use the monitor/camera to keep an eye for an hour or two while we chill downstairs in the evening. I don’t think it is a problem and works for us, however I have had previous experience on here of people commenting on things unrelated to my question so I thought I would stipulate that I am not asking for comments on this set up if people have them!

I didn’t mean it rudely, just I didn’t want potential floods of comments of people telling me she shouldn’t be in the room on her own!! :)

I hear you - things can detail quickly can't they. I didn't know that, but I think you are being very responsible and although you didn't ask, am v supportive of you getting an hour to yourself after she's down!

Feeding to sleep is not a good habit, on the contrary. When you have more than one child, they will inevitably end up crying a bit. It’s ok, it’s not neglectful in any sense.

My second had to cry sometimes, because you can’t leave an 18 month old alone in the bath (for example) to go and get a crying baby.
Or with both children there were times I got out of a quick shower to find them crying - could only have been a few mins, but still it’s possible that times they were still asleep when I got out of the shower, they’d woken up, cried, fell back to sleep. And I’d be none the wiser.

They seem fine, no long term damage!

I remember feeling absolutely heartbroken the first time I realised I'd accidentally let my baby fall asleep crying, having never intended to sleep train or do any sort of crying out or the like. But honestly, did it make me a bad parent? No, I wouldn't say so. It made me a realistic parent, and realise that noone is a perfect parent.
Honesty don't dwell on it. I definitely felt worse about it than baby did - but I remember it and baby doesn't!
I have 2 kids, they both sleep independently now, they were both breastfed to sleep to 2y9 and 2y2 give or take, and both co-slept. My youngest now tells me to "go away Mummy it's bedtime!" when I tuck them in at bedtime, while my eldest wants me to stay and rub their back until they are asleep. They can both fall asleep without me, too, which is very liberating. Ages 5 and 3.

I remember when my son was a similar age having a terrible evening where he wouldn’t stop crying even when I was carrying him and eventually I put him down in his cot to go and get some calpol. By the time I had drawn it up he was fast asleep and I realised that he was crying because he was tired. That all he really needed was just to be put down in his cot and allowed to fall asleep.

We sleep trained our two, I am not sure at what age but we left them to cry to sleep if everything else (feed.nappy etc) was done. So you arent purposely doing it, but I don't see anything wrong with it. Obviously, if after 10/15 mins they are still crying, then that changes things, but 5 is fine

I'd be thanking my lucky stars!! Mine NEVER self settled and I breastfed to sleep for nearly 2 flipping years with my second. Enjoy it while it lasts!

Wow, hats off to you cause I would have cracked completely!

She’s learnt to self settle. Took a few mins.

it’s not like you left her crying for 30mins +

as they get older and more aware of surroundings I find it’s better to sleep upstairs esp at bedtime - like you are doing

a camera is great so you can see and hear

I would also advise an angel

She will be fine.
With my first I discovered that he would cry and grizzle for a few minutes, then pass wind and fall asleep. All my attempts to wind and rock him actually made it worse. I used to have a quick shower and he would be asleep by the time I came out.

Its not a problem. Its a win. Don't stress about it, celebrate!!

haha, that's my thinking!