Mat Leave Loneliness

[vonkrumm]

Anyone else feel this way? It seems like everyone around me I see with babies, has other friends with babies. I have one friend who we see once a week although her little one is 3, we tried some tots groups together but have moved to soft play as her child kept complaining about being bored.

Ideally, I'd like to try another tots group but I am too nervous to go on my own, as in every group me and my friend went to, everyone is in groups of people they already know (we did try to speak to others but not interested) or the children are older so are in a different section. One group I went to I was the only one with a baby so was in the baby bit alone...we haven't been back. I do go to a paid class each week but it's very much "see you next week." and being on SMP, I can't afford to fork out for lots of classes.

I'd just like to have someone to text to say "fancy a walk/coffee/etc" the odd day, but it seems everyone already has someone else. Even when I go for a walk I see others in their little groups with prams walking and just feel a bit sad. I've tried peanut too but conversation never really seems to go anywhere.

Anyone any ideas? Sorry this was all a bit woe is me, just feeling crap today.

None of my friends had babies when I had mine (even though I was 36!) so it was quite lonely. Everyone was at work and wanted to meet at like 8pm for drinks which was not feasible at the time. I'm quite a social person so l found that hard.

I went to lots of mum groups from about 6 weeks, I had a different class or activity every single weekday morning. Only 1 or 2 were paid actually, the rest was local meetup types. Then I'd come come and chill from 11am onwards. I did make some "mum" friendships although they didn't last but it was nice to have a chat. I went back to work when baby was 7 months which solved my loneliness issues 🤣🤣. My friendships eventually recovered too once baby was older and I could leave him more. So it's just a phase, you'll go back to work soon, baby will get older, you'll get to socialise more without him.

I don't think socialising with mums with toddlers is the solution - they'll be running around like headless chicken, I can't imagine having a conversation with my 2 year old with me.

Didn't want to read and run, I know that maternity leave can sometimes feel incredibly lonely. Have you looked at church baby and toddler groups? My local one has a group twice a week which is very well attended, and I've met a few people that way. Usually very cheap too, with coffee and cake! It's tough though, really hope you find some other mums to chat to soon.

When my DD was born I joined the local Cradle Club at the library. It was all new mums with under 1’s. And if any of the other mums knew each other it didn’t really matter because there was a “leader” (a member of the library staff) who did the story/song and kind of guided the whole session. So there were no little cliques and everyone just joined in. I got to know one of the other mums though - her DD and mine ended up at the same school and are now good friends

There was a similar group at the local church but it clashed with baby clinic so I didn’t do that one.

Anything like that around your way? It’s not so daunting going on your own if there’s someone hosting, so you’re not just thrown into the mix to fend for yourself.

I’m currently on maternity leave with my second baby and I do have some friends with babies off with me this time but have also made some lovely new mum friends at baby classes! We do a few paid ones but we also do the local family hub one, a local church hall one and there’s a library baby session too. I’ve met some lovely ladies who have become friends and we now meet for coffee/lunch before our class, definitely worth having a look to see what options there are near you!

Have you tried the app “Peanut”?

I also found it lonely, despite having friends also on mat leave - one friend's son caught chickenpox and then gave it to her daughter which meant basically eight weeks when I couldn't see them. I went to the council Stay and Play near my house, to coffee shops, to Tesco, to Rhyme time at the library... I didn't successfully make any new mum friends, unfortunately. Hardly anyone else had a tiny baby, the other mums of older toddlets never wanted to make friends.

When my partner swapped with me at seven months for shared parental leave, he was also disappointed with how frankly useless our friends (with babies!) were at getting organised and doing things, no matter what we suggested. They just seemed to prefer being at home.

It's not just you, mat leave is hard for a lot of women.

Thanks all. The issue I've found with the church groups round my way is that it's all toddlers so parents are engaged chasing after them! Any that had had babies it's been like 2/3 mums who knew each other already..thye might say hello but the they go back to each other. These situations have really knocked my confidence, I'd usually be chatty but now I feel like I don't know what to even say and don't really want to interrupt them either.

Its just a long day until my husband gets home and then he works away 2 days a week so I have two full days almost totally solo, although my little class is on one of them days so not the worst. I'm glad but dad to hear I'm not alone feeling this way. Maybe I'll try and brave another group tomorrow and see how we get on. If it's no good, it's no good. I'll keep trying I guess!!

I think groups specifically aimed at babies are better when you have a non mover, to be honest. I know MN love a church hall playgroup but for babies I do think things like baby sensory or swimming are best.

Alternatively, do you have a local NCT? Ours did a walk and talk and it saved my life - dc1 was born in lockdown but by march 21 we were allowed to meet outside. I never would have thought a trudge round a cold muddy park would have saved my sanity, but it did!

I was lonely too OP. Baby groups weren't my thing, I seemed to be surrounded by mums whose height of ambition was to own an aga, and I was bored.

Ds was summer born so after two weeks, I bought a sling, and ds and I went hiking. We walked the ridgeway that summer. Ds got used to having his bum changed beside a cornfield, and I chatted to all sorts of people. It was glorious.

😊

Sorry phone isn't letting me quote or tag! No NCT groups near me, nearest one is about 20 miles away. That's what I think is hard about the tots too, it's hard when they don't "need" you, they just roll about...feed or sleep! But everyone says on here or even on local fb pages oh I went from 3 weeks old...I haven't seen that many little ones at all!

Meadowfinch.... That sounds glorious! Hiking isn't my thing but I am looking forward to the brighter, drier days to get out for more walks and little adventures. Just not the same in a big raincoat!!

This is a shame to read as I’ve had a different experience on my maternity leave and feel I’ve been more sociable than ever. You mention a couple of times that the other mums who have babies your age already seem to know each other and aren’t interested, but are you sure? I know it’s daunting but just be really friendly and get stuck in talking, as it’s very likely they may have only met each other at the class within the last few weeks too. That’s definitely been more my experience with mum and baby groups.

I have a 7 month old baby and we have been going to loads of different classes since baby was 8 weeks old. Some classes are definitely friendlier than others, but really most people are also keen to make friends, or at least chat about their baby. Now I’m super confident and even if it’s a new class I’m attending I will suggest to whoever I’m sitting next to, or say out loud to the group, “anyone free for a coffee after class?”. It’s all starting to pay off as now after a few months I have a few different wee groups of mum friends from various classes, and we have WhatsApp groups to arrange to meet up for walks etc too.

Hope you find your mum friends soon.